Is Your New Date Pressuring You With Sex?
This answer is so good, he’ll probably end up agreeing that you should wait!
As a relationship coach, I work with a lot of women and I frequently have clients ask me how they should handle it when a new man wants to have sex for the first time. While it may sound to some like I am about to ruin it for my brothers, the truth is—I am not. I am simply taking the not-so-controversial stand that deeper, more open and vulnerable relationships serve us ALL—men and women alike. I make no apology for that.
Being asked this question puts me in a bit of an uncomfortable position, not because I’m shy about the topic at all, but because I don’t want to be in the position of "appearing" to legislate morality for them or for anyone else. That’s not my role. However, I do understand and teach that there are certain fundamental things that you need to be aware of if you’re looking for a long-term or a lifetime partner before you decide to be intimate with someone...and these finer distinctions have the power to transform EVERYTHING.
There is one exception: This article is written primarily for those who know their "dating purpose" and are clear that they are looking for what is often called "the one." Of course, some people are not interested in that for one reason or another. Some may not want that or may not be ready for that. Some may just be looking for a date or even a casual sex partner. If you fall into that category, that’s fine. Perhaps this information will be more relevant to you at a later date.
Let’s start at the beginning: The truth is, masculine energy and feminine energy approach sex in a very different way. While you could rightly say they are exact or "polar" opposites, the fact is they are perfectly complementary. In fact, the word "polar" is the root of the term "polarity" which describes the union of two seemingly opposite forces "attracting" or becoming one. That’s the sweet spot that can sometimes feel elusive even in pretty good relationships. It’s about two people who deeply desire one another and have great "chemistry."
Feminine energy’s number one need is to feel safe and since it navigates the world primarily through the force of emotion, a woman grounded in her feminine energy will need to FEEL love or at least attraction before she can truly be intimate. By contrast, masculine energy is all about logic and solving problems therefore they typically want to have sex sooner and they probably won’t feel the emotion of love UNTIL they’ve had sex, if at all. Men simply lead with analysis and emotion sometimes catches up later. That doesn’t make them rotten bastards. It simply makes them different. On the surface, that sets up the appearance once again of two opposing forces—and that’s what sabotages so many relationships.
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The most important distinction: The most important distinction I can tell you about deciding when to have sex actually has nothing at all to do with sex. It’s a universal principle that we all know and have experienced, yet we seldom apply it to the concept of intimacy. Simply put, we all appreciate the things we worked or sacrificed for more than things that are just handed to us. Surely, you’ve experienced that in your own life in one context or another; maybe a childhood paper route or a summer job that led to something you really wanted. Well that principle is definitely at work in intimacy as well. If you have to work for it, it seems more rare, more special, more valued. If it’s freely given it’s a commodity, a transaction, a simple, thoughtless trade between two parties. There’s a reason why gold is valued while aluminum is disposable despite the fact that they are both metals—it’s simple economics. If you want to be appreciated it’s up to you to know and enforce your value. So here’s a great example of one way to respond if you want to do that. And keep in mind, timing is everything so you need to find the right opportunity to say something like this:
"While I am definitely attracted to you and I love physical intimacy, I won’t rush into a sexual relationship until I’m sure and ready. That’s because you and I both know that rushing into sex cheapens it. People don’t appreciate what they know they didn’t earn and I respect myself too much to give you any reason to think less of me. Plus I appreciate you too much to not take advantage of this time to get to know you. I’m sure you understand and even appreciate that I only give my love to a man who has earned it..."
Here’s why it’s such a perfect answer: By assuring a man that you are attracted to him and love intimacy, you are essentially "green-lighting" him and letting him know that he’s on the right track. You’re whetting his appetite and encouraging him to stay the course. That keeps you in your feminine, encourages the thrill of the chase and keeps him wanting to pursue if he’s interested. By saying, "you and I both know," you align with him and confidently take a stand while lowering resistance. Then by confidently proclaiming your worth, you demonstrate your value and finish by reminding him that he, himself, will have more appreciation for a woman who knows her value. Can you see how compelling this is for a man? It’s perfectly fair and understandable that we all want to feel like we have an incredible partner that we like, admire and respect. So, it’s up to you to be the very best you can be and show up that way consistantly.
So...does this make you uncomfortable?: If the mere thought of saying something like that to a man, or showing up in this way made you feel uneasy, nervous, or even put that little tell-tale lump in your throat, I have some news. You may have some work to do in this area if you truly do want to have an incredible relationship. Maybe it’s learning to know your value or self-worth. Perhaps it’s learning to live in authenticity. Maybe it’s in understanding and appreciating men better. And it might just be learning to speak your truth. Whatever the root issue is, it’s more than enough to sabotage your relationship attempts and make it practically impossible to truly have what you may think you want. In any event, if you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to me privately or leave a comment below. That’s where the real action is and even more learning happens and I’ll be responding to any messages.