The Tiny Thing You Do That Makes Finding Love Impossible
Love is waiting for you, but you have to put in the work.
weerapatkiatdumrong | Getty Images / Tess Emily Seymour | Pexels A new book blames the difficulties single women have learning how to find love in something other than women for a change. Imagine that! Instead, author Jon Birger writes in Date-Onomics, that "a lopsided gender ratio and huge undersupply of the male variety" are at fault.
Wait, what? This is just one more negative, depressing thing dating and relationship experts tell you about why you can’t find love. Everywhere you look, there's another dreary article supporting this notion because the media thrives on broadcasting why finding love is next to "impossible."
But is this true or just great fodder for an attention-grabbing headline? I remember in 1987, I was in my 20s and already feeling the pressure of not finding Mr. Right. I didn’t date much because I never met anyone interesting. Sound familiar?
Then, Newsweek published a shocking story in 2006 about the statistic of "marriageability" and claimed that if you were a single woman over 40, you had a better chance of being killed by terrorists than tying the knot.
I fell into a rage and depression after reading that article. After all, this was Newsweek — a highly respected and credible news source! They're never wrong (right?), and that meant I was already at risk of never finding a husband.
This bleak notion sent me into a tailspin that took years to recover from. I felt, "What’s the point of even trying? Why bother looking for a relationship when Newsweek says a terrorist will find me before true love ever does?” (To say reading these numbers was truly devastating is an understatement.)
In addition, I had two astrology readings around that time and both said that marriage wasn't in the stars for me. Horrors! How could that be possible?
I was an attractive woman with a great career and a sassy sense of humor. Seriously, how could anyone (news journalist or psychic) predict whether I'd spend the rest of my life alone without romance or someone to share the journey with?
Much to my surprise and great relief, Newsweek retracted the statement in a later issue. Seems something was amiss with their statistical analysis. What a fabulous reprieve.
But the negativity of that article and those psychics left a mark on me. After which, I did almost nothing to find a man and the months flew by. I focused on having fun with my friends, but I reached 40 still unmarried and without ever having children.
Certainly not the picture I envisioned in my younger days. Then one day, a seismic shock hit the core of my soul. I woke up suddenly to understand that if I wanted to find love, I was going to have to do something about it.
I asked myself, "Am I going to be a victim of Newsweek, astrologers, or any other naysayers about my prospects for love and marriage?" No way! My passivity was crippling my potential love life more than any news story or astrology reading ever could.
I started reading every (positive) book I could get my hands on and went out to meet men. I found new friends who were also looking for love, so we could go out together. I ran personal ads, attended dreaded singles dances, and asked people to fix me up on blind dates.
I shook up everything I did, opened my mind (and heart) to men, and dated 30 guys in 15 months before eventually meeting the man to whom I’m happily married.
Today, as a dating coach for women over 40, I work with clients to inspire and motivate them. We create an action plan to meet men, including goals for a certain number of dates per month.
The coaching helps my clients believe love is not only possible but probable, which keeps them excited and actively putting themselves out there. And the clients who follow my methods and advice to find love.
So, the real question is not about Jon Birger’s theories about "a man shortage," or any other negative statistics or stories in the media, but rather, one of a far more personal nature: What are you going to do to learn how to find love?
What steps will you take to attract love into your life? How can you open your mind and heart to the good single men around you, give them a real chance, and get to know them? Answering this inquiry will tell you a lot more about your chances than new books or pessimistic articles.
Good men are out there! Quality guys exist and are looking for you. But are you available to cross paths so they can meet you? You’ll never know unless you give it a chance. It’s up to you, and I say, "Go for it!"
Ronnie Ann Ryan is an Intuitive Coach, Past Life Reader, and author of six books. She’s the creator of the free audio course How to Ask the Universe for a Sign and Get an Answer Within 24 Hours.
She's been published on ABC, BBC, and NPR.