What To Do When The Guy You're Dating Says He's 'Not Ready' For A Relationship
Can you get him to commit?
getty You've been dating this guy for some time now, and you're starting to realize he's emotionally unavailable. You want to take things to the next level — but he says he's "not ready" an doesn't want a relationship.
You have a good connection so you start to wonder how to make him see you — truly see you. Maybe then he'll begin chase you and want to become your boyfriend, even though he says he doesn't want a relationship now.
But it isn’t always clear-cut. Some men are difficult — especially men who are emotionally unavailable — and getting them to commit to relationships isn’t black and white.
Men who are emotionally closed-off embrace the idea of 'pseudo-relationships.'
These are the types of relationships that leave friends and family looking at the couple and scratching their heads wondering, "Are they together, or aren’t they?"
In the movies, this question would be answered in comedic fashion — a matter-of-fact grandmother confronts the couple at a family gathering or a drunken friend who asks them on a double date.
In real life, things aren’t that funny. You are, essentially, all dressed up with no place to go. You have a connection with a guy, but you don’t know where you stand. Are you heading toward a real relationship someday, or will this ambiguous dynamic never end?
This also put you at risk of falling in love with something that doesn’t exist: your expectation of who the guy could possibly be if you were in a relationship with him, not the emotionally unavailable guy himself. When you do this, you waste a lot of time, and in the end, could even become bitter about love.
In short, picking guys who are emotionally unavailable messes with your emotions.
What a lot of women may not want to hear is this, when a guy says that he’s "not ready" for a relationship, believe him.
There's no amount of convincing that’s going to change a lone wolf into a committed boyfriend who's ready to pick out curtains and paint samples. And thinking there is only compromises you because it makes you think you can change him.
You can’t. You won’t.
Only one thing can change a person: them.
This is why stepping back from an emotionally unavailable man is essential. Take some time to collect yourself and determine if what he has to offer — as he is now — is enough for you.
If the answer is no, you've got to walk away.
It’s not to punish him or to teach him a lesson. Rather, it's for you to take a stand on what is most important to you, what it is that you desire most. And in doing so, you communicate that you’re not willing to settle.
Still, walking away doesn't mean giving this guy an ultimatum. It doesn't mean saying to him, “Hey I'm going to leave if you're not willing to step up.” This is a manipulation tactic and one you don’t need. Walk away because of you, not because of him.
Taking a stand for yourself is saying, “Okay I'm going to have to back off because I realize that I'm not respecting myself if I stay in this situation. I'm not respecting my heart.”
After this, your emotionally unavailable guy may react. He may see that the connection is that important to you, and he may strive to fulfill it. Or he may not. That’s OK, too. It just means he wasn’t the one — not for you, anyway.
Clayton Olson is an international relationship coach, master NLP practitioner, and facilitator who delivers private virtual coaching sessions and leads online group workshops. Register for his free webinar that reveals the 3 Keys to Attracting and Keeping a High-Quality Man or grab his free guide, 8 Secrets To Create A Rock Solid Relationship.