My Husband Had An Emotional Affair

It all started out innocently enough. Earl had a co-worker, Annette, that he had worked with for years. We would associate with her and her husband and always sat together at company events. When Annette’s husband suddenly died, I took compassion on her. I invited her to my home to spend weekends with us, so she wouldn’t be alone. I let her cry on my shoulder. I listened. I was unaware that this would lead to an emotional affair between my husband and her.

Then I became extremely ill. My body was shutting down and the doctors were not sure what was wrong with me. For months my blood pressure averaged about 80/60. I was weak and dizzy all of the time. I could not walk further than 10 feet without having to sit and rest. I could not hold or lift anything over five pounds. An exploratory surgery showed that I had scar tissue that had attached my colon and my uterus. The scar tissue was removed, but my symptoms continued.

It was a scary time. Earl did not feel he could lean on me and began leaning on Annette, to help him cope with my illness which led to their emotional affair. They began having lunch together every day. The people at work started to talk. Earl began calling Annette one of his girls and became very protective over her. Up until that time, the only girls he called his were his mother, our daughter and me.

As I became sicker, the doctor decided to do a complete hysterectomy on me. I was only 30 at the time. The doctor was also concerned that I may not make it through the surgery due to my low blood pressure as well as all of the complication I was having.

When I awoke in my hospital bed, I was glad to be alive. I was alone. I had become used to being alone in the hospital as Earl hated hospitals and would only visit me for 15 minutes a day. I drifted back and forth between wakefulness and sleep due to the medication. The next thing I knew, Earl was there stroking my hand. He said, you made it through and the doctor said you will be ok.

He then proceeded to tell me that the people at work had been asking him if I died, if he planned on marrying Annette and he told them that he could do a lot worse. Here, I was literally on the brink of death and my husband is telling me he is considering marrying someone else! The pain was more intense than the six inch wound in my abdomen.

Three weeks later he betrayed me emotionally more than I ever could have imagined. He had told our friends that we would watch their boys, aged 8 and 10, from Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. He promised me he would be there, as I did not feel up to watching her boys along with my son, aged 9 and daughter aged 10. My daughter like to boss them around and the boys could always find a lot of trouble to get into!

On that Saturday, he went to work in the morning, telling me he’d be home by 1PM. At noon, he called me and said that Annette was having a bad day and needed to talk so that they were going out to lunch. He promised me he would be home by 4PM. I wasn’t happy but figured I could handle the kids by myself for two hours.

Earl did not arrive home until one in the morning. I was livid. Earl did not understand my anger. He could not see that his emotional affair was killing me inside. Earlier that evening, I had went into a fit of rage as I went outside and beat the crap out of his truck and his garage. I felt out of control and all I could think of was, "How the hell could he do this to me?" I wanted to hurt something of his. Looking back, I can see that this night was the beginning of the emotional death of marriage.

The next day Earl had to take me to the emergency room due to being in pain. I had ripped open the inside of my incision during my tirade. It was quite embarrassing having to tell my doctor what I had did. I even told him why. My doctor then proceeded to tell my husband that it was just my hormones due to being thrust into the change of life at such an early age.

From then on, anytime I said anything, Earl would say it was my hormonal imbalance making me angry or whatever. He took no responsibility that I had a right to be angry, since my husband was having lunch and dinners with another woman, as well as fixing her car and doing maintenance at her house.

As the years passed their emotional bond got stronger. They seemed to be oblivious to the fact that their relationship had gone too far. They thought, I was just being emotional and that the people at work were just gossiping. They honestly did not believe they were doing anything wrong, as they always claimed that they never had sexual relations. 

More emotional infidelity advice from YourTango:

• Infidelity 101: What Is An Emotional Affair?
• What Lies Beneath Emotional Infidelity?
• How to Move On From A Painful Breakup

My therapist, as well as family and friends, told me that Earl was not having an affair because no sex was involved. They all seemed to think that I should just accept their friendship and that would make me happier. This was in the early 90s and not to many people talked about emotional affairs.

Their friendship caused me so much pain. I felt useless. I felt ugly. I felt unworthy and undesirable. I kept wondering what was wrong with me. I endured the pain for six long years until I got the courage to leave Earl. I continued to play victim until I learned to forgive and to let go.

For more tips and techniques to heal, love and find inner peace during and after divorce, visit www.SupportForDivorcedWomen.com.

Tweet me at @CindyHolbrook