3 Steps To Creating Healthy Boundaries With Everyone You Know
Stick to your gut.
getty Not sure how to set boundaries? You'll want to learn as this is the key to gaining self-worth, self-esteem, and healthy relationships.
"Boundaries" seems to be a buzzword in mental health circles right now –—and there is a good reason for that.
By creating and setting boundaries, you build self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth.
You also attract others with strong boundaries and have more time for the people (and things) that you love.
But how do you do this, you ask?
Simply put: having healthy personal boundaries communicate to those around you that you value your emotional and mental well-being, that you respect both your own (and other peoples’) time and that you are not willing to compromise your values and goals for the sake of others.
When you learn how to set boundaries (and keep them), you know your value.
So, you learn how to improve your self-esteem and build your sense of self.
You connect into what you truly value and are able to identify what makes you feel amazing.
When you make it a goal to say "no" when you do not feel as though your needs are being met, you are showing yourself that you value your own happiness.
Ultimately, getting clear on your boundaries helps you learn how to be more confident and connect to your own whole-hearted fulfillment.
Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you are someone who has not done so in the past.
It can be uncomfortable to begin to say "no" to people and you might be met with some negative responses.
This is normal. How people react to your boundaries says more about them than it does about you. Stick to your gut and do not give in just because someone whines or tries to make you feel bad for asking for what you need.
Here are 3 simple steps to teach you how to set boundaries that will build your self-esteem and self-worth.
1. Get clear on what you want by tuning into what makes you feel good
Getting to know what makes you happy is first and foremost here.
When you can identify what you truly (and authentically) desire, you will be better equipped to say no to what does not serve you and to seek out experiences that fill you up.
Want to go dancing? Make time for it! Need some alone time? Say "no" the next time someone invites you out on your self-date night.
Hate small talk? Excuse yourself, kindly, when someone asks you about the weather, or redirect the conversation.
Take control back and lead yourself to fulfilling situations.
2. Be clear and concise
When you are stating your boundaries to others, stay calm, and use un-emotional language.
For example, "I am not able to come to your dinner party tonight as I need some time for myself" is much more effective and respectful than "I refuse to hang out with those people — they are all crazy."
How you communicate your boundaries will help to ensure that the people you are setting boundaries with respect you, and your wishes.
Keep your boundaries about you and what you need. After all, boundaries are about creating the life that you desire.
3. Respect and celebrate other peoples’ boundaries
It would be unreasonable to set boundaries, and then get angry when someone you love states theirs.
Sure, it can be irritating when your BFF bails at the last minute because she is low energy, or when your brother doesn’t want to engage in the political debate you are all riled up for.
But, when you respect their boundaries, you are showing them how to respect yours.
Congratulate them on setting boundaries. Then take the opportunity to do something with your free time for you.
This makes for happy, healthy relationships all around.
Learning to set, and keep, your boundaries can be uncomfortable.
You may go back on them for a minute. You may give in sometimes.
You may think "This is too hard, just let them text me all night — that’s easier than shutting the conversation down when they are so emotional."
But, I promise, it will get easier with time. Listen to your instinct, tune into your body, and take time for what truly makes you joyful.
You will find that you will have a better sense of yourself, more time for the people you love, and you will be surrounded by folks that fully and truly respect you.
Celeste, BSW, and is a counselor, sex educator, and relationship coach. She is currently studying dance/movement therapy, coaching gymnastics, and working as an addictions counselor. You can find more about her work on her website and on her Instagram.