5 Ways Couples Can Recover From A Fight — And End Up Stronger Than Ever
You said a few things, he said a few things. But is it over?
getty This was the worst fight you've ever had and you are scared. You can't remember if it was you or he that said the "D" word first. But now that divorce is in the conversation, do you feel like it could really be over?
This is a critical time for you and your future. Because having a fight — a big one — can be the very best thing that can happen for the two of you.
Marriages are being crushed in the mix of unemployment, under insurance and college grad kids that are living at home. Young working parents with school age kids, homework, boy scouts and music lessons and somehow paying for it all.
No wonder you are arguing. But please don't give up on your relationship just yet.
A frightening fight is a sure sign that hurtful things were said. There was a bit of truth in what he said, even though it hurt to hear it. If alcohol was involved, it may have gotten mean on top of hurt.
It's the worst thing ever to try to reconnect after all of that. You may think he should apologize and then, when he does, you reject him with a snarky attitude. Or, maybe it is you that is approaching him and he is being cold and unresponsive.
You are together for a reason. If it is over, fine, you'll move on and get over it, but if you can reconnect to your man after a major fight, you will empower yourself to make a truly clear choice about whether you want to keep building a future with him.
Luckily, this relationship advice will help you learn how to communicate with your partner, especially after a very bad fight.
These steps will build a bridge back to him. By doing these exercises yourself, you will begin to repair your perception of who he is as a man and a partner.
1. Sit in a chair with your back erect and your feet on the floor.
Take a couple of deep breaths and let your eyes close naturally. Allow physical tension to seep out of your body and into the chair you are sitting on.
Imagine you are outside on a bright sunny day. Tip your face back and imagine the sun shining on your face.
2. Bring your attention to your heart.
Think about your partner and the fight. Scan your upper body and see if you feel pressure, heat or pain anywhere in your chest or stomach. Put one hand on your heart and one hand on the place on your body where you feel the disappointment.
Breathe deeply and think this: Even though this sucks, it will get better. Even though a part of me is pissed, there's another bigger part of me that knows how to rise above this. Even though a part of me is so pissed at him, that jerk, there's another bigger part of me that is not.
This is true, isn't it? Breathe.
3. When you start feeling better, think about your partner.
When you think about him out there in the world, at work or play, what is something you like or admire about him? See if you can think of three or four characteristics that you like about him.
If you can't do this yet, go get a big glass of water and repeat step two. You picked him. Don't be hardcore about this. There are at least three or four things you still like about him. Grab your journal and write them down.
4. Pick one of his favorable characteristics.
Let's say you use "loyal," for example. Write his name and your selection in a sentence. "Stephen is loyal, I like that about him." Say it a couple of times and see how it strikes you. If it feels a bit flat, you probably still have some snarkiness hiding in there. Don't worry, that's normal.
5. Allow yourself to recall a time when you saw his loyalty in action.
It works best to pick someone outside your immediate family. When did you see him being loyal to someone? What did he do? Write the story of what he did and why his actions were memorable. As you write this story, see if you notice a difference in how the description feels compared to the statement in the last step.
When you think about something endearing about your partner, that means you took time to create a view of him that is radically opposite of his self that is showing up most of the time these days. It sounds crazy, but this really works. If it doesn't, don't give up or complain. Simply repeat steps one and two as many times as you need to before you can let yourself like your guy again.
It is a big lonely world out there, and many women are single and want what you have with your man, as fragile as that may be at the moment. No guy can get it right all of the time, and if yours has screwed up, gently let him off the hook and reconnect heart to heart.
Remember, the magic is in the steps. Do these 5 steps just once a week. That's it. Notice you communicate nothing to him in words. You do all the work invisibly.
You will notice a change in your man. He wants to be closer to you, he just doesn't know how to do it.
When you choose to create an endearing thought about him, you set your love vibe high enough for him to respond to. He will tune into your best self, and you will remember why you ended up with him in the first place.
Catherine Behan is a peak performance coach specializing in communication who can zero in on and uncover hidden blocks to success in your life. Visit her website to learn more about relationships, couple arguments, and creating powerful success.