God Is Not Enough!

I've been reading "Committed:A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage," by Elizabeth Gilbert.She's theauthor of"Eat, Pray, Love." During the final third of "EPL," Gilbert meets the man she marries at the end of "Committed." As someone who has been married before, Gilbert is getting remarried due to necessityand circumstances rather thanan enthusiastic desire to embrace the institution.Inthis book, the author struggles to make sense of marriage from various perspectives, and to figure out whatmakes marriages work or not work.In one sectionabout infatuation, she talks about how, oftentimes,people form particularly passionate attachments during times of transition or change.Examples include after a loved one has passed away, after one's own illness, orwhile traveling. She also noted thatthe transition to living away fromparents for the first time in a college setting isatime when thisis likely to happen.Apparently,impulsive romantic decisions and infatuations are more likely to develop during suchexciting butvulnerablewindows of opportunity. This made me think aboutthe two years or so I spent at a conservative Christian university.One of the things I immediately noticed was how quickly young couples got engaged and married there.A standing joke on campus was "ring by spring or your money back."Even back then, before Idid more extensivetraining in couples work andcounseling and way beforereading "Committed," I had a lot of concerns about this common pattern. It seemed to be brought on by a combination ofvery restrictive limits on touchingand a strong belief thatGod had brought them togetherbecause they were made for each other. I felt that theGod factor and the sex factor might have been offbalance and thatthis unbalance was influencing them more than they realized. I wondered how these couples wouldultimately do as far as thelong-term happiness and health of their marriages.One of my friends at thiscollege was engaged after only a few months of dating andgot married the following summer.It is my understanding that their marriage did not work out.That did not come as a surprise to me, given things I observed about their interactions. Theydidn't take time to really get to know each other. Recently, in my counseling office, I havelistened toseveralmore variations on this theme. Different details butthe punch lines are mostly the same. Sad stories about young couples who did not do welleven though they sharedstrong religious convictions. . I'm not just talking church here. I'm talking aboutpeople who are deeply spiritual and committed to faith traditions as a couple and individually. I'm talking about people who took vows, not just to each other, but to God, and meant them.Making promises to God in a formal ceremony with witnesses and rings should make them more binding and even more serious.I believe these couples are sincere about the spiritual covenant, thepromises, andthe wish tobe togetheras husband and wife until death parts them. Theyenter marriage with the best of intentions. Belief in God, however deep and sincere,is just not enough to keep couplestogether. Neither is marriage in and of itself. Ibelieve in marriageas the proper setting for life-long commitment andraising children. Ibelieve marriage is a covenant before God and others. I believe in it asa legal institution, as well as a social one and an emotional one, where two peopleagree tospend their lives balancing the "me" and the "we," where they promise to be together until death as each other's friends and companions and lovers. All of those things are Biblical and good. I just don't thinkits enough.With the couples I knew in college (and I suspect this is true of many others who get together young and spiritual), theywere euphoric abouthow God was working in their lives and this newwonderful person he'd given them to shareHis work with. Many of them were alsomaking the stressful but exciting transition to college and being away from home for the first time. As Gilbertpoints out, research suggests this also made them more vulnerable. They were naive, didn't have their identities firmly established (much less their careers or finances), and were justso idealistic. To me, that combinationof newness,infatuation, and spiritual fervor involves WAY too much emotionality. Far too often, people get hung up on such feelings and what they must mean about the relationship.Its dangerous to make permanentdecisions under those conditionsbut people do it all the time. Those feelingswon't continue at that level formore than a couple years.Don't get me wrong. I believe a couple should sharespiritual beliefs and values. When people of differing faiths, or where one person has a faith tradition and the other doesn't, ask me howconcerned they should be about this, I saythisdifference is very important. I let themknow they'llalways be using differentspiritual vocabularies and frames of reference and that deciding how to raise any children they have will make those differences even more of an issue. I point outthatfamily members and friends may think their relationship is wrong due tostrong beliefsabout how spouses should be of the samefaith and concerns about how being with someone who is of a different belief system may impact the spiritual well being of their loved one. Many religions warn against this practice.I believe a common faith is extremely important. Still, I don't thinka shared commitment to God is enough, in and of itself.Other factors need to be considered when deciding onsomethingas serious as marriage.Another concerning thing about these couples is that they wereflying onthe high brought about by the chemical changes in the brain related toearly stagelove aka infatuation. Most of these couples were only in their late teens anddidn't havemuch dating experience. For that reason, I don't have a problem with setting some reasonable limits on physical intimacy. At a Christian university, such limits are to be expected. If a person's beliefs are thatlust and too much physicalinvolvementare wrong, they are going to struggle with guilt andsuffer spiritually, andthat sort ofinternalbattle cancause a lot ofdifficulty for the person and the relationship. If they are very attracted to each other, so much of their relationship still becomes about sex and whetherany behaviors they engage in are "wrong" or "sinful." I think this leadmore than a few of these couples to want to hurry and get married.I think couples who get too involved physically early in their relationship oftendon't grow as muchin other areas andare less able to objectively evaluate theirstrengths and weaknessesas a couple. Having said that, romantic chemistry is important andfeeling comfortablebeingaffectionate is vital. I think it is important to make surefeelings about someone you're thinking aboutmarrying and possibly creating children with are more than just brother/sister or friendship feelings. This is why I use the word "reasonable." .Couples who arebarely able to touch each other are going to have atough timeassessing that factor. This is another concernI have about getting together in such a restrictive environment.I believe the marital couple is a team and that theyhave toconsciously support andgive primary loyalty to each other as the most importantrelationshipa person can have on earth. To me, marriage is about a deeper love that is based on trust, companionship,andloyalty, and that isabout two peoplebeing equals andbeing united in their purposes. A couple with that kind of foundation can stay solid if they put certain behaviors and ways of connecting into practice. For that reason, I believe that acrucialtrait to look for in a spouse is solid character and the ability to stand by their word and their promises. Either before or after marriage, I believe both people have to be willing to work problems out. Obviously, the need for this is greater after marriage, but being willing to try even before that says a lot to me about how someone is going to be once they make a marital commitment.Willingness to be smart about relationships is what ultimately makes the most difference, in my opinion. Its about the willingness to do what's necessary to get through difficult patches, whether that's lots of talking, praying together, getting help from a counselor or pastor, or just riding it out knowing that change always happens. Christian couples have to work at their marriages just as any other couple does. Being compatible in essential areas like spirituality is crucial, but no two people are ever going to be so compatible that there aren't issues. The day to day of life is not always romantic oreasy and conflict is inevitable. There are times whensomeone might not feel very interested in their spouse or enthused about their marriage. Such feelingsare common. What's important is not letting our emotions make our decisions.I worry that the "God brought us together" belief brings about a false sense of security that things will "just work out."This belief can bevery dangerous. Relationship success is about what we do, being proactive rather than reactive, behaving according towhat we know we value in the long term. Christians believe that God created marriage and wantscouples tofind fulfillment and joy in this relationship.They also believe He offers guidance to those who seek it through the Holy Spirit, otherChristian couples,the Bible, and other resources.God wants to help and bless those who desire a marriage thathonors Him, but He won'tdo the work for us.