How To Get Over Your Boyfriend's Past (Without Becoming A Jealous Monster)
How to get over your boyfriend's past.
getty images In order to maintain a happy and healthy relationship, you need to learn how to get over your boyfriend's past.
Learning about your man’s sexual history can be tough and imagining him with another woman can make you sick to your stomach with jealousy.
You’re probably upset about your boyfriend’s past because the thought of him locking lips with anyone else makes you queasy.
Ignore the intrusive thoughts and keep your “my boyfriend’s past makes me sick” insecurities to yourself. Retroactive jealousy does go away, but you have to train your brain to resist it.
If you’re hoping to build a happy, loving relationship together then it’s crucial that you get over his past and focus on the present.
Follow these tips to get over your boyfriend's past.
1. Accept reality.
So the man you’re with had sex with someone else before you. Maybe he’s had a lot of different partners and done it in different places. Maybe the sex was like what you see in bizarre foreign pornos.
As much as you may try to wish away what he’s done or who he’s been with, it’s important to accept the basic fact: your boyfriend had sexual experiences that didn’t include you, and nothing you can do will ever change that reality.
Knowing other women have been with your man can be a tough pill to swallow, but if you want to be with him, then it’s something you need to accept.
If it’s really bothering you, then remind yourself that the past is over and done with, it cannot be changed or altered, and whatever happened with other women was before he was involved with you.
Besides, chances are your boyfriend isn’t the first guy you’ve been with and at the very least, he’s not the first person you’ve felt romantic feelings towards. In that sense, you’re in the same boat.
2. Ask questions.
Ignorance may be bliss, but if you’re driving yourself crazy over details or unanswered questions about your guy’s past, then talk to him about what’s troubling you.
Since the imagination can be a dangerous thing — especially when left to run wild — if you find yourself creating your own version of what you suspect is your boyfriend’s sexual past, then you’re likely blowing it out of proportion.
Rather than let your thoughts spin out of control, it’s important to let him know that you want to get over his past, but that you need some answers or insight to do so.
Since your boyfriend’s past is not your business, he is not obligated to share all of the details with you nor will he be comfortable doing so. However, if you phrase your questions respectfully and ask ones that are within reason, then he’ll be more likely to open up to you.
3. Be respectful.
If your boyfriend opens up to you and shares details he would have otherwise kept quiet, then it’s important to remain calm and respectful. If you make him regret telling you then chances are he won’t be so open in the future.
Again, don’t freak out if you hear something you don’t like, and don’t overreact.
When you learn about your guy’s past, it’s easy to wonder if he still has feelings for those other women. Instead of assuming the worst keep the big picture in mind: he is with you now because he wants to be with you, not someone else.
Since whatever he did in his past was before you were in his life, you shouldn’t punish him for his behavior or decisions. Even if his past is promiscuous enough to be on par with the Playboy Mansion, be respectful.
Sure, your instinct may be to call him out on his questionable lifestyle or to express disgust, but you shouldn’t. He is making himself vulnerable for your comfort.
Obsessing over his past is not going to make you feel good about yourself or your relationship. If you feel your emotions getting the best of you then take a breather, go for a walk, and let yourself cool down before talking to him. Doing this will prevent you from saying things that you’ll later regret.
4. Don’t compare yourself to others.
Did he find her more attractive than me? Was she better in bed than I am? Does she do things I won’t do?
Comparing yourself to your guy’s exes will only drive yourself insane.
This kind of insecurity is known as retroactive jealousy and is experienced when you have jealous thoughts or feelings caused by people or events of the past. It’s normal to feel a bit insecure when thinking about your man’s exes and the women he has slept with, but if you let this insecurity get the best of you, it will do you no favors.
Instead of comparing yourself to women of his past, be in the moment and show him what a prize he’s won.
5. Let it go.
No matter how much disgust or disappointment you may feel towards your boyfriend’s past, you can’t change it and no amount of dwelling on it will make it go away. In fact, the more you let it eat away at you, the more it takes away from the present moment and your opportunity to create memories with your man.
Don't let those moments go to waste!
Any time you find your mind drifting towards his past, force yourself to think about or do something else. Whether you pick up the phone and call your Mom, go for a run, or grab some knitting needles, doing something that keeps your mind busy will stop you from focusing on those sour thoughts.
When all else fails, remember that you also have a past.
In the midst of all this, it can be easy to adopt some double standards. If you're freaking out over his past, ask yourself if you have any of your own dirty little secrets. Don’t be the pot calling the kettle black.
Amy North is a relationship and dating coach. To find out more about her coaching services, visit her website.