Are You Fit To Be Someone's Husband Or Wife?

I remember once conversing with my late mother when I was young, and she confessed that she felt "old" when she got engaged.  I was like, "Really?  You were not even thirty years of age yet!" (my late mother was 27 when my father proposed to her).  She said in her generation, most women's biggest fear was to grow old and become labeled as an "old maid" and/or a "spinster," two unflattering terms used to describe women who were 35 years of age or older who had never married and never had any children.

Fast forward to 2013 where I was reading a female friend of mine's discussion thread on the popular social networking site, Facebook, and a number of men and women were discussing bachelors who were 35 years of age or older and had never been married and did not have any children.  I have no idea what the male equivalent terminology is for a "spinster," but trust me ... many women are starting to label older, childless bachelors as "red flags."

I myself am in this category.  I have yet to be married, and I do not have a son or daughter (that I know of).  The first time I ever heard of this being a "controversial" or "undesirable" status was at my 20-year high school reunion.  Some female classmates of mine were "shocked" that I had not been married, and even more so, that I did not have any children.

"Alan!!  I cannot believe you do not have a son or daughter!!!  That blows my mind!!' said one female classmate.  "I would think by the time you reached your mid-to-late thirties, you would have been married at least once ... if not twice" said another female classmate.  Do these women realize that movie star Warren Beatty was 54 years old when he got married for the first time to actress Annette Bening? (The couple now has four children together)

I remember when writer and freelance columnist Tracy McMillan wrote a piece two years ago entitled, Why You're Not Married.  Ms. McMillan offered six reasons why she felt many women who desired to be married had not achieved that status yet. 

The reasons were:

#1 - "You are a bitch"

#2 - "You are shallow"

#3 - "You are a slut"

#4 - "You are a liar"

#5 - "You are selfish"

#6 - "You feel you are not good enough"

I agree with many of her reasons, and partially disagree on one or two.  Therefore, I am going to offer my own reasons for why I believe many single men and single women have yet to be married by the age of 35 or older.  The #1 "default" reason why I believe many men and women have not exchanged vows at the altar by the time they are 35 years of age or older would simply be because they have made a conscious choice not to get married.

The vast majority of my reasons that I have listed on the next few pages are specifically geared toward men and women who are 35 years of age or older who very much WANT TO BE married, but certain factors and individual flaws are holding them back.  Here we go . . .

Top Five reasons why many single *WOMEN* who want to be married are not:

1)  You are not enjoyable to be around on a day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month basis.

Comment:  You can say that this is simply a very formal way of saying the same thing that Ms. McMillan said (i.e., "You're a bitch"), but the reality is, I know some women who I would not necessarily label as a "bitch" who are not enjoyable to be around on a regular basis.

Here are some of the adjectives and phrases that many men I know have used to describe women who they do not enjoy being around regularly:  "argumentative," "boring," "bossy," "dishonest," "full of drama," "irritating," "moody," "nagging," "phony," "pretentious," "prudish," "shallow," and "superficial."

Just about all men I know want a woman with these two qualities at minimum:  a) a woman who is fairly easy to get along with, and b) a woman who enjoys having sex just as much if not slightly more than they do.  Every other quality is frosting on the cake.  Make sure your personality does not rub men the wrong way and that your character and integrity is beyond reproach.

2)  Your criteria for a long-term romantic companion or future spouse is too unrealistic or too 'nitpicky.'

Comment:  About ten years ago or so, a female friend and I got into a lengthy discussion about what men look for in a potential spouse or long-term romantic companion, and what women look for in the same.   At the conclusion of our discussion, we agreed to exchange e-mail messages describing what we were each looking for.

My list totaled approximately 6 or 7 attributes and characteristics.  Her list?  38 very specific attributes, characteristics, and personality qualities.  THIRTY-EIGHT.  Not joking.

There is nothing wrong with a woman (or man) having "standards," but you never want to get so carried away that you view 999 out of every 1,000 members of the opposite sex you meet as "not up to par."

3)  You have a history and reputation for being either way too prudish ... or way too promiscuous

Comment:  This is somewhat of a "sensitive" issue for some women, based on past conversations.  For example, I know a lot of women who literally refuse to discuss their sexual past with new boyfriends.

How important your sexual past is ... or is not ... depends on the type of man you want to date.  Some men are very judgmental, some men are "kinda, sorta" judgmental, and other men are not judgmental at all when it comes to a woman's sexual past.

A lot depends on how egotistically competitive and egotistically insecure that particular man is.  Many men do not want to seriously date or marry a woman if they know that woman has had sex with men who are friends of theirs, acquaintances of theirs, co-workers of theirs, or high school or college classmates of theirs. 

Other times, it is not a history of promiscuity that is the problem.  Sometimes, having a reputation for being "too much of a prude" can hurt you just as well.  No man wants to be in a long-term relationship with a woman who gives off the impression of being "indifferent" toward sex, disinterested in sex, or too ultra-conservative and inhibited when it comes to sexual enjoyment and satisfaction.  Let that "inner kinky freak" side come out and play.

4)  You have too much "Yang" energy, and not enough "Yin" energy

Comment:  I have borrowed this from a fellow relationship expert, Ami A. Moore.  She and I were featured speakers at a "Relationship Chat" that was held in Chicago in early September of 2012.

Arguably Ms. Moore's strongest statement during her presentation (which was full of African-American single women) was, "Too many Black women have too much 'yang' and not enough 'yin,' and that is why many of you cannot attract a husband."  Some of the women loudly protested Ms. Moore's assertion ... but a few of the women actually agreed with her.

This is not just exclusively an African-American problem either.  Many of my Caucasian male clients have frequently complained to me that they feel many women of today's generation have too much "masculine" energy in their personalities.

A lot of women seem to get off on proudly proclaiming themselves to be "strong" and "independent."  Trust me ladies ... those words are not as much of a "turn on" to men as you seem to think they are.  Imagine if you heard a man say, "I am a weak, cowardly, passive, needy man!!"  Would that turn you on?  99.99% chance, no it would not.  Your reaction to those words is how many men feel when they hear women talk about how 'strong' and 'independent' they are.   Those words are many times like nails on a chalkboard.  Being too focused on your career and the accumulation of wealth can be a major turn off to men who want to get married.

Most men I know love women who are very "soft" in nature, extremely feminine, and for lack of a better word, "submissive."  I know many 21st Century women hate the "S-word," but that is a quality that turns men on immensely.

5)  You have "let yourself go" in terms of your physical appearance, wardrobe, and grooming

Comment:  All men - to one degree or another - are visual creatures.  I have noticed that some women, as they get older, simply allow themselves to put on a lot of weight ... or they start smoking cigarettes a lot ... or they start drinking a lot of alcohol ... or they stop going to their favorite hair stylist.

If you are 35 years of age or older and you have never been married, but it is still your desire to find a husband, then you need to take care of your health, fitness, hygiene, and overall grooming.  This is a must.

"Looks" are not 100% of what keeps a man interested in you romantically, but your physical appearance is definitely a major contributing factor to a man's romantic and sexual interest in you.  You do not have to look like a fashion model or Playboy Centerfold in order to hold your man's interest, but you need to simply look the absolute best that you are capable of looking.

Top Five reasons why many single *MEN* who want to be married are not:

1)  You are financially irresponsible and/or erratically employed

Comment:  I know women who have had short-term non-monogamous "casual" sex with men who may have been broke at the time or unemployed at the time.  Very few women though want a husband who makes them feel like they have to take care of a man the way they would a son or little brother.

As a man, you do not have to be "wealthy" per se to attract a wife, but the vast majority of women do want a man who is capable of managing money and making good, solid financial decisions for the family.

As many of my female friends have told me, "I do not need a man in my life that is going to multiply my financial problems.  I can experience financial stress all by myself."

2)  You have a reputation for being boring, selfish, or unsatisfying in bed

Comment:  I always joke with men and women in saying, "If you know how to put it down in bed (i.e., know how to please and satisfy women sexually), you can get away with just about anything with women...."

Even many women I know have agreed with me on that lighthearted statement.  As a man, have you ever wondered why some guys always attract female companions, despite the fact that their personalities are not that charming, and even worse, many of them are "jerks?"  Because they know how to please and satisfy a woman consistently in bed.

There is a reason why the female sex toy industry makes hundreds of millions of dollars each year in profits:  most men suck in bed.   The problem of some men is simply that they are "selfish" lovers.  All they care about is their own pleasure and orgasms.  They could care less about making their female partners experience multiple orgasms. 

Other guys are just sort of "clueless" about what it really takes to please a woman in bed.  They do not know how to move right in bed, and they do not know how to work their penis in a way that creates great pleasure for the woman.

In case you did not know this:  unsatisfying sex, along with infidelity, is the second biggest cause of divorce next to frequent financial problems.

3)  You come across as "too needy" and "too desperate" for female companionship

Comment:  Have you ever met a man that many women will describe as a "nice guy" or a "sweetheart," but that man never seems to have a long-term girlfriend or even a casual sex partner? 

A man like this might initially seem to have a lot going for him, but his biggest downfall is that he comes across to women as "too needy."

What are two or three examples of behavior that makes you look "too needy" or "desperate?"

1 - Calling women way too frequently.   You should never, ever call a woman three or more times if she has not yet returned your first call.  Huge "no no."

2 - Always wanting to spend time around a woman.  Every man should spend "quality time" with their women of interest, but you want to make time for hanging around the fellas or being involved with hobbies of your own as well.  It is a "red flag" when you want to spend 24 hours per day, every day, with your woman.   Especially when you just met that woman less than a month ago.

3 - Always spending money on women and buying women gifts for no reason.  If a woman is your wife or long-term girlfriend, and you buy her nice meaningful gifts to show her your appreciation, that is acceptable.  If you met a woman three weeks ago, and you have already bought her a diamond necklace, that makes you look needy and desperate.

You need to GET A LIFE before you invite a woman to share that life with you.

4)  You have a demeanor that is so effeminate, that you make women think you are gay or bisexual

Comment:  I am just going to keep it real here.  I have met some men ... even a handful of my own clients ... who are heterosexual, but they behave more effeminate than some gay men do.

Similar to Factor #3, if women are always complimenting you, and referring to you as a "nice guy," but you seem to always have a problem getting a woman to connect with you romantically or sexually, it might mean that you have too much "yin" and not enough "yang."  In other words, you need to present yourself as more masculine.

Step #1:  Get rid of the "skinny jeans."  Those were not meant for men.  Trust me on this.

5)  You have "let yourself go" in terms of your physical appearance, wardrobe, and grooming

Comment:  As you noticed, this is the exact same "#5 factor" that I used for the women.  The reason why is because I see this problem in both older men and older women. 

Look at photographs from your high school years and/or college years.  Do you look better than when you were young?  About the same?  Or significantly worse?  If the answer is the latter, you have some work to do.

Join a gym or create your own at-home-workout-center.  Watch what you eat and drink.  Buy clothes that are more flattering to your physical appearance.  Read magazines to find out better male grooming tips.  Always take care of your personal hygiene.

I had a frat brother of mine in Chicago tell me last summer, "Man Alan .... I lost forty pounds, and within weeks, women started coming out of the woodworks giving me flattering attention.  I couldn't believe it.  Sometimes, just losing a few pounds can improve your social life tremendously."

Do not allow your love for triple cheeseburgers and hot fudge sundaes prevent you from meeting the woman of your dreams.

Okay, that is it.

Never been married?  So.  You might not have met the "right" person for you yet.

Do not have any kids?  So.  Maybe you have not met the right man or woman who you would trust raising your children.

The two things above should not cause you to be perceived as a "red flag," but there should never be a time in your life where you do not concentrate on self-improvement.  Constant self-improvement is the key to a better love life, sex life, and overall social life.