3 Steps You Can Take When Jealousy Threatens To Destroy Your Relationship
Squash the signs of jealousy as soon as they appear.
unsplash / Imansyah Muhamad Putera When signs of jealousy become an issue and potential threat to a relationship, it usually boils down to one person feeling insecure, ignored, and unimportant next to the other person.
The resulting jealousy in a relationship can show up in a multitude of ways ranging from silent and seething to screaming and throwing things — but you can learn how to stop being jealous before it destroys what you have.
Even pets show signs of jealousy in weird ways like destroying your cell phone, iPad, or computer, according to a survey by SquareTrade. Some 28 million Americans report having had at least one digital device damaged by a pet.
According to the pet owners, the leading motivations were: jealousy and anger about feeling ignored. In one out of four cases, the pets damaged a device while their human was still using it.
If you’re jealous, just like Fido, you may feel like destroying your partner’s device as they scroll through texts or Facebook posts — and maybe you even have resorted to an "accidentally" oops and done so — but you probably knew then and know now that actions like that don’t solve relationship problems.
The problem is that you want your partner’s attention, but you want it in a "good' way.
If you feel ignored and the erupting jealousy erupts threatens your peace of mind and health of your relationships, you can still get more of what you do want rather than what you don't.
Here are 3 steps to take to stop being jealous in your relationship.
1. Get control of your automatic reaction
Healthy relationships are not always protected from jealousy. Automatic jealous responses are habits that you can break and it takes learning how to calm yourself before you say or do something you later regret.
Although you may groan when you read this but the advice to "Take a deep breath" really can work!
Practice a minute or two of just focusing on your inhalations and exhalations when you're not feeling triggered and it will be easier to use this powerful and simple technique when jealousy rears its head.
2. Get clear about what’s real and what’s a story
Your jealous responses come from thoughts and stories that you’ve told yourself (maybe for a very long time) and your job is to figure out what’s true and what’s a figment of your imagination or from your past.
If your suspicions are true, then you have some decisions to make about what you will and won’t accept from your partner and your relationship.
If your suspicions come from your insecurities and/or from past experiences and are not based on the truth, then start changing your story to one that you can believe and is just as true but is more positive.
Again, this can take patience and perseverance to re-learn new ways to think about yourself, your partner, and life in general. Tackle this one belief at a time and be sure to provide yourself with plenty of reliable and observable facts.
3. Switch your focus
Whether your suspicions are true or not, when jealous thoughts come up, begin to switch your focus to thoughts and actions that will take you closer to what you want rather than further away from what you want.
Your consciously chosen focus is key to making healthy changes in your relationship.
If you feel like your partner is ignoring you, see if you can find examples of when your partner does not ignore you. This may be about looking at the larger picture of your relationship, instead of fixating on one incident that you don't like.
So, take this important piece of relationship advice: You can learn how to have a healthy relationship that's not damaged by those feelings of jealousy. You don’t have to throw a fit and destroy your partner’s devices like the pets in the study.
Calm yourself, get clear about the facts and what you want, and then make healthy requests to create the kind of loving, close, and passionate relationship you desire.
Susie and Otto Collins are Certified Transformative Coaches who help awaken love and possibilities in your life.