9 Reasons It’s So Difficult To Move On After Being Ghosted — And What To Do About It
If you're dating, you've probably been ghosted — and that's no fun! Find out how to move on.
Renata Schaitza on Unsplash Have you been ghosted yet?
Nearly everyone you know has been ghosted at least once by now. And the longer you've been interacting with and seeing someone, the more painful the experience of them ghosting you feels.
What is ghosting, why is being ghosted so painful and how should you deal with it?
Ghosting involves disappearing suddenly from someone's life with no explanation. It can happen after just a few messages or dates, or after months of being romantically involved with someone.
Being ghosted is a shock to the system that often sends single women into an emotional tailspin.
What causes you to stay intensely connected to a guy who left without a word?
First, please know the distress that results from ghosting is very real. Whether you had just started messaging on a dating app, spoke by phone or went on several dates, the act of being ghosted means your relationship ended abruptly. No one can argue with the fact that this kind of conclusion is unsettling.
And, if you were ghosted after a few months of dating, the damage is far more dramatic. How could someone just up and leave like that? Without a word, a fight or a real breakup?
Here are nine reasons ghosting is so painful and extremely hard to shake, plus how to deal with the heartbreak of being ghosted.
1. Being ghosted heightens the fear of abandonment
This is a basic human fear everyone can relate to. No one wants to be left behind, particularly without any explanation.
For some people, this triggers difficult childhood trauma and family issues. But the truth is, it's not easy on any level when someone disappears from your life, and it does explain why you feel a strong reaction even if you've just been texting.
Dating and love do come with this risk of rejection and being left.
How to deal with it: To feel strong enough to face the risk, remember the people you can count on in your life right now. It's also important to remember the most basic truth that you are a whole and complete person on your own. Knowing that can help soothe you after being ghosted.
2. You have an anxious relationship attachment style
There are women who fall in love from the word go. Starting with messaging, you might fall in love with the idea of who a man is before you can possibly know if he's really a good partner or compatible.
According to attachment theory, there are three types of insecure attachment styles adults may show a tendency toward in romantic relationships: anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. If you have an anxious attachment style, you worry about your partner’s ability to respond to your interests or love.
Should this be your attachment style, ghosting puts you on high alert and is very uncomfortable since it's a prevalent fear.
How to deal with it: To recover from being ghosted, develop a wait-and-see attitude about any man you start seeing until he proves himself and his interest. You are watching for consistency over a period of several weeks, including weekly dates, not just texting or talking on the phone.
3. Being ghosted scares you when you are lacking other romantic prospects
If you haven't dated in a while and encountered a man who seemed to have real interests and potential, that feels very exciting! When he drops off the face of the earth for no reason (that you know of), it feels truly awful, and as though he was your only option.
Jumping to the conclusion that there aren't any good men out there because this guy ghosted you causes many women to lose all hope and flatly give up. The real problem here is that you don't meet enough men, so when one guy disappears, it feels like that's the end of the road.
How to deal with it: The best solution to recover from this situation is to get online and date a bunch of men! The more prospects you meet, the better your chances are to find the one you are truly compatible with and who will stick around.
4. Ghosting is especially painful when you have low self-esteem
When you don't value yourself as a woman, you tend to think everything that happens is somehow your fault. You blame yourself when a man ghosts you.
As a result, you scrutinize every message, every conversation or everything that happened on your dates, looking for the reason he left you. This reinforces your fear of not being good enough, making it incredibly hard to move past the hurt.
How to deal with it: To help yourself heal, focus your energy on building your confidence and improving your self-esteem. Learn to love and appreciate yourself for the wonderful woman you are right now.
5. You insist on believing you can fix whatever was broken
You are plagued by the thought that if you could talk about things with him and understand what happened, you could fix it. Surely, he must have misunderstood something you said or did.
You feel so strongly about this you reach out several times and continue to do so even when you get no response. Everything was going so well that it feels impossible to make sense out of being ghosted. The more you try to resolve things with him, the harder it gets to let go and move on.
How to deal with it: Getting past this requires choosing to let him go. Remind yourself that the right man would never ghost you or walk away. He'd want to work things out. This guy made absolutely zero effort, which automatically means he was the wrong guy. Say bye bye and go meet some new guys.
6. Being ghosted leaves you craving closure
Some women insist they need closure, but what does that really mean? Closure often involves talking things through. Gaining an understanding of what happen. More likely it's having the last word.
No one wants to be left behind so looking for closure feels like you'd get the opportunity to discuss the situation. The more you crave closure, the less likely you are to let go.
How to deal with it: The truth is closure is an inside job. To heal and get over him, you have to decide on your end that the relationship is over, even if you didn't agree to it. Once you allow yourself to feel complete, that's closure! Then you are free to move on.
7. You feel a deep need to know why he ghosted you
How many times have you said to yourself, "If I only knew why he ghosted me. Why did he stop communicating when it seemed like we'd be (or were) good together?"
Allowing yourself to continue this circular thought pattern will not help you to move on. While it's difficult not knowing what a man's reason for ghosting were, you are better off not knowing specifics.
Do you really want to hear he met someone else, that he doesn't know what he wants, or he knows he wants someone younger? No, you don't.
How to deal with it: When a man ghosts, that's all you need to know. He chose to go another way, case closed. Reminding yourself that's a sign he wasn't the right guy is the easiest way to move on.
8. You ignored warning signs along the way
You notice little warnings early on when you're getting to know a new man. Something feels a bit off. But you choose to ignore this thinking things will get better.
When your intuition kicks in, pay attention! Women frequently know things aren’t going well, but they push that away, giving a man the benefit of the doubt. There's a reason you have doubts and then when he ghosts, your doubts are confirmed.
How to deal with it: To recover, it's time to honor yourself and your amazing intuition. Trust yourself enough to know that you have good instincts and pay attention to them.
9. You've been through the nightmare of being ghosted multiple times
Unfortunately, you may have been ghosted more than once and each time feels harder to bounce back from. You might think of the ghosting as building up and start to wonder if something is wrong with you.
Is that true? No, it's not!
How to deal with it: Don't pronounce yourself hopeless or blame yourself! The way to heal from ghosting is to realize when more than one man ghosts you, that means you are doing exactly what you need to do to find love — meeting and dating multiple men!
Yes, some will ghost you, and most men you meet won't be a good match for you. That's how dating works.
Then, you stumble onto that one guy who keeps asking you out and turns out to be just right. He's the one you've been looking for all along.
Why do men ghost women?
There are as many reasons for ghosting as there are men, but the most common reasons are simple and include the following:
- They don't like confrontation, so disappear in order to avoid conflict
- They want to avoid emotional scenes and crying
- They are chicken and just can't face your disappointment
- They don't know what to say to end things
- They feel badly about disappearing, but can't handle being direct
- They don't want to be seen as the bad guy
- They don't care about anyone but themselves
The exact reason why a particular man ghosted you doesn't matter.
The fact that you were ghosted is all you need to know to wake up to the pure and simple fact that he is not the right man for you. If he were, he never would have ghosted you.
It really is that simple.
Ronnie Ann Ryan is a love and dating coach for women. Is he taking a break or is he ghosting you? Learn by listening to her free audio program, 5 Surefire Ways to Attract a Quality Man.