If You're Anxious About Your Relationship, Repeat These 9 Affirmations Daily
When you have a healthy relationship with yourself, healthy relationships with others will follow.
Jacob Lund | Canva When anxiety about your relationship attacks, there is a solution to curb those anxious feelings: positive affirmations. While we don’t choose our feelings, we do choose our belief systems and our belief systems give rise to our feelings and reactions to situations.
Attachment theory is the scientific theory that describes how humans bond. Scientists group people into roughly four attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, or disorganized. Although your attachment style was largely formed as a response to your parents and your sense of safety (or lack thereof) as a child, your goal is to form what we call a securely functioning adult attachment.
So, if you want a happy and awesome long-term commitment with one person, you need to learn how to deal with anxiety. Take a page from the beliefs and words of affirmation used by securely functioning individuals. There are certain beliefs that securely functioning people tend to rely on that guide their dating and attachment behavior. If you don’t immediately feel these to be true for you, ask yourself how you might behave if you did believe them. Choosing behaviors based on these beliefs will serve as an affirmation in itself, giving you healthy relationships with everyone around you.
Here are 9 affirmations to repeat every day if you're anxious about your relationship:
1. "I am worthy of love to feel appreciated, understood, and secure"
Self-worth is a key belief that securely attached people possess. Some of us were lucky enough to be raised in such a way that this feels natural. If this wasn’t you, rest assured, you can also become a securely attached adult! Your power to achieve this starts with finding inside you the firm knowledge that you are worthy of love. Not sure if you are? Do you have a list of doubts you want to run by me first?
Start with the understanding that everyone has core values. Everyone is worthy of understanding, compassion, and the opportunity for a secure bond. Yes, you are responsible for your choices and behavior and this is part of being a fantastic partner. But, your core value is inherent. You do not have to do anything to achieve it — you merely need to remove the obstacles to finding this inside yourself. From this place, I guarantee you’ll make better choices and behaviors reflective of the mature adult you’d like to be!
2. "If the person I am dating is not right for me, I will find someone else who is"
Securely functioning adults date better and make better commitment choices. Part of this is that they are less afraid to walk away from relationships that they know are not serving them well. They are less afraid, not because it hurts less to lose someone or to feel the disappointment of a breakup, but because they do not approach the world from a basic sense of scarcity and expectation of unmet emotional needs.
These people presume that their emotional needs are valid and will likely be met; this belief leads to behaviors that tend to put them in situations where their needs can be met! Take a page from this book and work on reminding yourself that if the person you’re dating isn’t good for you, you can find someone who is. (Side note: This belief will lead to better behavior in the relationship as well and will avoid self-sabotaging behavior that might undermine a good relationship).
3. "I don’t accept treatment that leaves me feeling less than secure, safe, and valued"
Securely functioning people take for granted that behavior such as ghosting or even lack of following through in a timely manner after a date is unacceptable. This belief will help you bypass obsessing over a dating interaction or someone who is suddenly distant or starts sending mixed messages. Remind yourself that you deserve better, period!
4. "My feelings are valid"
Good self-care and self-love begin with a basic and radical acceptance of whatever you are feeling at any given moment. Remember, accepting what you feel doesn’t give you a license to do anything about those feelings. On the contrary, when we accept our feelings we are in a position to choose how we respond rather than allowing our feelings to react blindly. Second-guessing, obsessing, game-playing, and insecurity are all fed by a lack of acceptance and validation of your own feelings. Bypass this anxious behavior by learning to know what you are feeling and why.
5. "I can communicate my feelings and they can be understood"
Much relationship anxiety stems from an insecurity about your ability to accurately relate your feelings and needs to another. Remember, it is nearly impossible to communicate your feelings well if you have not mastered the skill of understanding and validating your own feelings accurately! If you have a poor relationship with your own emotional life, make sure to work on that first. Then, remind yourself that your feelings do make sense, can be communicated, and a qualified date will be able to understand you!
6. "Even when we disagree, I expect my partner to still respect and value me and my opinions"
Relationship anxiety can stem from a fear of healthy conflict. In healthy relationships, there is no absence of disagreement or fighting. Relationship problems and conflict will occur. However, in healthy relationships, both people expect and rely on the fact that their partner cares about their perspective and values them through their differences. Remind yourself that you deserve (and your partner deserves) respect and care when there is disagreement.
7. "It is healthy to depend on my partner and allow my partner to depend on me"
Remember, the desire to bond and connect is a survival instinct! Your emotional needs are healthy and constructive. Make friends with them so that they are not so scary and so that your partner’s emotional needs don’t seem scary either. Much relationship anxiety stems from unhealthy beliefs about the need and longing to bond. If this area is complicated for you because early relationships were not safe, warm, and welcoming, try personal therapy to address the beliefs that you likely formed in your early life that will get in the way of healthy relationship behavior.
8. "My partner and I grow in important ways when we pursue our own, separate interests"
True security comes with a healthy balance of freedom and individuality. If you have anxiety about trusting space or separateness, remind yourself that the growth that you each encounter while you are on your own journey will nourish the relationship.
9. "Grieving a disappointment builds my sense of self and future security"
If you find yourself letting go of a relationship and that brings up anxiety, don’t run from it! Remind yourself that the ability to properly mourn and let go builds a healthy sense of self. Did you ever wonder how people who seem so sturdy and self-assured got that way? It’s not by getting everything they want. It is precisely our capacity to accept reality as it is, especially the disappointments and losses, that build a healthy character. If you find yourself facing a loss or disappointment, take this important piece of relationship advice and look it squarely in the face — remind yourself that you can survive the feelings and get to a better future!
These affirmations all stem from the inherent belief that we are all relational creatures by nature. Your longing for love, closeness, and a connection is a survival instinct! Many of us carry a mistaken belief that our emotions and our needs are a burden. This belief interferes with our innate ability to connect in healthy ways. Primarily, it makes us unnecessarily anxious and insecure. When you have a healthy relationship with yourself, a healthy approach to dating and commitment comes naturally!
Dr. Perrin Elisha is a psychologist, psychoanalyst, author, and teacher who helps clients get to the root of and heal their relational difficulties.