EWWWW. The 7 Grossest Things I've Done In Front Of My Husband

Nobody can annoy me like my husband. Nobody. He knows exactly which buttons to press to make me go crazy and clearly revels in his ability to put me over the edge. But dear readers, I always get my revenge. Usually in the form of super-gross gestures. (What can I say? My lady manners go out the window when I get worked up.) So while it pains me to publicly share the grossest, most horrifying things I've ever done in front of - and to - my husband, I'm going for it. Word of warning: Don't read while eating.

1. I threw my used tampon at him. Childish? Yes. But great revenge? YES. My husband and I were having a fight about a household chore that once again, he had "forgot" to do that had been left to me. I was tired and I had my period. I went to the bathroom to change my tampon, thinking how cruel and unusual it would be to threaten him with it, hoping he'd back down and let me win the fight. I opened the bathroom door holding the bloody thing by the string. He paled. I chased him through our tiny apartment until he dove into our bedroom, slamming the door in my face. But not before I lobbed the tampon at his face. He screamed. I laughed. I won. 

2. I urinated in his shoe. I know I know, this isn't pleasant. But you have to understand: I was INCENSED. My husband would not stop laughing at my anger - what I was angry about, I don't remember - so I was forced to look him dead in the eye and announce, "If you don't stop laughing at me, I'm going to piss in your shoe." He retaliated, "Go ahead, I dare you." His smug face was plastered with a look of 'she'll never do it.' So I did. I squatted and weed into his black leather work shoes. Horrified, he stormed out. I left the shoe outside and a week later it was dry. Thankfully, by then he was speaking to me. 

3. I purchased hemorrhoid cream in front of him. Nobody needs to see you buy ass cream, not least the person who's meant to perform oral sex on you. But when you're 8 months pregnant and in a great deal of pain, you gotta do what you gotta do. To my credit, I tried to be discreet and stealthily stopped into the pharmacy while he was at the bank but just as I was handing over my cash he walked in and saw the offending item in the check-out line. His face dropped. "We won't ever speak of this again," he said. I wanted to punch him and say, "Do you think I like having a fruit bowl hanging from my ass as I carry your second child?" But since we were in public, I just smiled at the pharmacist and paid for my cream.

4. I dropped a used menstrual pad on the floor in front of him. This was an accident, I swear! I was getting changed for bed one night and as I walked across the room, a ginormous pad fell from my undies onto the floor. (This was post-baby so the sanitary pad was extra-offensive.) Let's just say my husband caught sight of things men should never to see. He made a wretching sound and went to leave but not before I screamed after him, "Next time you can give birth to our children, you f*ckwit."

5. I sent him a photo of kid crap on the floor. My 6-year-old son was getting undressed in his room when I heard him scream for me. I dashed in, thinking something horrifying had happened only to discover my 2-year-old daughter had laid a turd underneath the window and was showing it off, proud as punch. My son wailed that his carpet was ruined. My daughter was proud of what she had produced. Knowing the inevitable clean-up that lay ahead, I felt the only way my husband could join in the suffering was if I took a photo of the crap and sent it to him. In the middle of an important meeting, my "present" flashed on his iPhone and his boss leaned in to see what it was. Hubby wasn't too thrilled but oh well, tough sh*t. Literally.

6. I vomited in his lap. I'm Irish, therefore I like to have drink every now and then. Or five. One particular evening, I was feeling very sorry for myself. I'd lost out on a presenting gig and didn't know how I was going to pay the bills that kept a'coming. The only thing that would make me feel better, I reasoned, was ... tequila. After drinking faaaaar too many of those Mexican joybombs and lamenting my work woes to my husband-to-be, he stroked my face tenderly, telling me it would all be okay. I rewarded this sweet gesture by vomiting in his lap. He still married me. Bless him. 

7. I let out an Elf-style burp after overdosing on Miso soup. You know the scene in Elf after Buddy the Elf drinks so much fizzy drink that he belches for what feels like 8 minutes? Well, after giving in to my Miso soup addiction and drinking three bowls of the stuff, I conjured the most un-feminine burp one can possibly ever muster. Thunder has been quieter. My husband was mortified - we were at a very fancy restaurant - and threatened to leave the marriage. If he had, I would've understood; the burp was THAT bad.