Woman Wants To Grieve On Her Own Instead Of Attending A 'Heavenly Birthday Party' For Her Late Boyfriend
She shouldn’t be shamed for grieving in her own way.
Antonio Guillem / Shutterstock and @apple_blossom320 / Reddit Grieving the loss of a loved one is arguably the hardest aspect of the human experience. Everyone is entitled to grieve in their own way on their own time, but for one woman, she was not extended this comfort.
A woman posted on the subreddit r/AmItheA-hole seeking advice for the way her late boyfriend's family is treating her during her grieving process.
She revealed that her late boyfriend's family wants to have a 'heavenly birthday party' for him, while she wants to grieve in her own way.
The woman explained her experience with the tragic loss of her boyfriend of eight years. Her boyfriend was in a car accident, which resulted in him going into a coma and eventually passing away. He was the life of the party, got along with everyone, and was very social. And because of this, his friends and family want to plan a "heavenly birthday party" for him.
The party would be in his honor and include drinking, music, and dancing. It is exactly the kind of party he would have wanted if he was still alive; however, the woman says she is not ready to attend such a party.
“It’s only been a month since his passing and it still feels like I haven’t woken up from the nightmare,” she wrote in her Reddit post. She is still navigating her grieving journey but knows she does not want to attend the party. Instead, she would rather spend the day alone.
“I want to keep things simple and revisit some of our favorite places or do something we used to do together. I want to bake him his favorite cake, maybe look at some photos and light him a candle. I want to visit his grave and tell him how much I still love him and miss him,” she wrote.
Photo: Reddit
The woman told her boyfriend’s family and friends that she is not ready to attend such a party, but that they can still have one if they want to. The family, however, didn't understand and even shamed her for thinking this way.
“They argued that my boyfriend wouldn't want me to be sad all the time, that he’d want me to have fun and throw him a big and noisy party, and that I'm just selfish and disrespectful,” the OP wrote.
Photo: Reddit
Users in the comments rallied behind the woman and validated her feelings.
One user wrote, “This party might be the perfect way to grieve for some but that does not mean it has to be right for you. I am very sorry for your loss.”
A second user told the story of her friend’s grieving journey about the partner she lost 10 years ago. Although that friend has since moved on, she left her family on the anniversary of his death and grieves him alone.
Another user explained how the grieving process is super personal and that the OP needs to do what is best for her. Grief is a personal journey, no matter what you are mourning.
A study by the National Liberty Of Medicine shows that there are biological changes in the body when someone is grieving.
These biological changes include increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, heart rate variability, higher levels of cortisol, and changes in the immune system. However, it is noted that not everyone’s body will react the same when dealing with the loss of a loved one.
Grief also impacts the mind. Especially in unexpected deaths, the person is more likely to think deeply about the loss and enter a state of depression. Factors such as “gender, attachment avoidance [the inability to get close to someone for support], ...social support, and expectedness of the loss” all play a role in the grieving process.
All of this is to say that the OP is certainly not wrong for wanting to grieve the loss of her boyfriend in her own way, and instead allow his friends and family to grieve him in their own way, too.
Tarah Hickel is a Washington-based writer and a frequent contributor to YourTango. She focuses on entertainment and news including viral topics and human interest pieces.