Woman Fears She's 'Losing' Her Husband To The Mom Next Door Because She Can't Have Kids — 'I Can't Do Anything About It'
She trusts her husband but she's fearful that her infertility's effects on their marriage might be making the grass seem greener on the other side.
Dubova / Shutterstock via Canva Pro Infertility struggles impact marriages in all kinds of ways, and for one woman on Reddit, she's becoming afraid it may be leading her husband to fall for someone else.
In a post to Reddit's "r/relationship_advice" subreddit, she shared how her infertility and her husband's friendship with a single mom have left her deeply worried about the state of their marriage.
A woman worries her infertility is causing her husband to have feelings for a mom in their neighborhood.
She and her husband, who are both 39, have been married for 13 years and have faced difficulties conceiving. "After struggling with infertility for a few years," she writes, "we realized early in our marriage we would not be able to have kids of our own."
They had mutually decided that children were not part of their plans any longer, but lately, it has seemed like it may not be so simple.
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Things seemed to change when a single mom moved in next door.
"It was a tough realization," she writes of their decision to not have kids following their infertility struggles, "but we both decided to dedicate ourselves to our jobs and spoil the nieces and nephews and young cousins we have."
But then Kaylee, a 26-year-old recently widowed mother of twin sons, moved in next door. "She’s lovely and completely overwhelmed," the Redditor writes, and since she has no family nearby she and her husband have taken Kaylee under their wings. "She’ll come to us for help with little things — she’ll ask my husband to fix something or ask for an ingredient for a meal, along those lines," the Redditor writes.
But lately, she's noticed her husband and Kaylee's relationship seemingly moving to another level. "My husband is always respectful and I don’t think he would ever cheat," she writes, "but I see how he reacts whenever Kaylee calls or rings the bell." She says her husband's "eyes light up" when it comes to Kaylee, and especially to her twin boys.
They have developed a special rapport from her husband playing with the twin boys in their yards — so much so that their after-work play sessions have developed into a daily ritual. "They’re out there every afternoon waiting for him," the wife writes, adding that her husband "has admitted seeing them run up to him after work brightens up [his] whole day."
The wife worries that her husband's love for the kids next door is making him fall in love with their mom.
She reiterates that she trusts her husband fully. Nevertheless, "I see him losing himself in this fantasy of what if this was my family. What if these were my kids." And she has a deep fear that "he’s going to realize what we have isn’t enough and he’s going to leave me for the ready-made family next door."
But she's afraid to address the issue because she doesn't want to "sound accusatory," and, of course, there's her own friendship with Kaylee to consider as well. But her anxieties about her husband and Kaylee are eating her up inside. "Yesterday I saw him and Kaylee talking outside and I wanted to cry," she writes. "They looked like a happy family."
The sight of her husband sitting on Kaylee's deck with her two kids climbing all over them was just too much. "I feel like I’m losing my husband [and] there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I don’t know what to do," she laments in her post.
Experts say it's very common that infertility's effects on marriage are negative, but open communication can help.
Back in 2013, therapist Dr. Hillary Goldsher told us that infertility's effects on marriage are frequently underestimated by couples. "What people don't realize is how devastating this is psychologically," she told us. But as she reveals in the video below, open communication about feelings surrounding infertility can be a marriage-saver.
"What I see a lot in my practice," Hillsher said, "is that when people are having some difficulty getting pregnant, they forget to stay connected with their partner. They shut down in their own feelings and don't stay united." She also stresses that maintaining connections with friends and family for support is also key to managing infertility's effects on marriage.
On Reddit, many of the wife's fellow Redditors urged her to do just that — to open up to her husband about the fears she was experiencing. "You have to talk to him about this insecurity," one user wrote, "have this conversation in a calm, non-accusatory but vulnerable manner so that he is drawn to you rather than pushed away."
Others echoed that suggestion. "You sound like you love him deeply and want what's best for him," another person wrote. "I can only assume (and hope) he does the same for you. With this conversation you can both discuss it and try to talk about your feelings and what actions could/should take place right now." The user also suggested that "therapy can be extremely helpful with dealing with" infertility's effects on marriage.
Another applauded the wife for the way she'd handled things so far. "[You're] being kind and mature, a lot of people would just start hating on the neighbor. You see the whole picture here." They went on to echo others' thoughts about open, honest communication with her husband.
In the end, the wife deeply appreciated everyone's two cents. In an update to her post, she thanked her fellow Redditors for helping her "understand the core problems of what was bothering me" and figure out how to broach the subject with her husband. "I’m sure the conversation is going to be a productive and constructive one thanks to the advice and perspective I’ve gotten here."
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice and human interest topics.