Woman Debates Whether To Invite Mom Wedding Dress Shopping Because Of Something She Said Years Ago
The woman claims the comment really hurt her.
sirtravelalot / Shutterstock A woman posted to the 'AITA' subreddit asking if she's in the wrong for refusing to let her mother go wedding dress shopping with her.
The woman didn't invite her mom wedding dress shopping over a statement the mom made when she was young.
The woman started off her post by explaining that she has a stepsister, who she calls Jane in the post. Growing up, the woman had received more material items than Jane because she had both of her parents in her life, and her dad was making more money than Jane's dad.
The difference in how the two were treated led to jealousy from Jane, including her acting out, going on hunger strikes to the point where she would have to be hospitalized, getting in trouble at school, and periods of refusing to speak to anyone in the house.
The woman explained that sometimes she felt that her mother was more on Jane's side than her own because the mother would tear up and say she felt bad for Jane and how awful it must be watching someone else get a large number of material items.
"She even considered moving out of the house for a couple years so Jane didn't have to look at my things," the woman wrote in her Reddit post.
The woman also shared that she had been jealous of how beautiful Jane was while the two were growing up, and always felt in her shadow because of it. This insecurity was compounded at one point in their childhood when Jane acted out, prompting the woman's mother to tell her "to stop because life isn't fair."
To help Jane calm down, the mother said that her daughter would never be as beautiful as Jane.
"My mom tried to brush if [sic] off after the fact and said no one will ever be as pretty as Jane so it isn't a big deal," the woman wrote. "That is something that has always stayed with me." Parents comparing their child to others has been proven to pay a part in diminishing that child's self-esteem, which can affect them well into adulthood.
Jane ended up running away from home, according to the woman's post, and they didn't see her for years. However, she noted that Jane is now back in their lives and recently got married in "a huge lavish affair" that afforded the mother "the whole mother of the bride experience," meaning she's already gone wedding dress shopping once.
The woman goes on to explain that she is planning on going wedding dress shopping soon and has decided that she doesn't want her mom to accompany her because of the comment she made that deeply affected her self-esteem back when she was a teenager.
"I just feel like my own mom is the one person who shouldn't say that," she wrote.
The woman ended up excluding her mom from going wedding dress shopping to protect her own self-esteem.
I told her that I'm planning on going dress shopping with my bridesmaids and I told her why, but she cried and said I was being unfair and she just said that to calm Jane down," she wrote.
Though she mentioned that her mom "begged" her to change her mind, most people in the comments of the post agreed that the woman was justified in her decision.
"It's rude, it's hurtful, and it's something a mother should never do ... even if it is to calm someone else down," one person wrote, a comment that touches on the long-lasting effects a mother's statements can have on their daughters. In fact, "it's one of the hardest things to overcome," says mindset coach Paola Santana in a TikTok video.
"It's more than just having low self-esteem or emotional damage," Santana explains, noting that the feeling often seeps into other areas of a woman's life, becoming pervasive and all-encompassing. So while the mother made this statement in passing, her daughter held onto it and likely viewed herself as less than ever since.
As one person commented, "you want to feel extremely beautiful on your wedding day and the last thing you really want is someone who, whether they meant it or not, compared you to another child in the family." While this may not be the time for this mother and daughter to confront their issues, it at the very least shines a light on the fact that their relationship may need work to move forward.
Nia Tipton is a Chicago-based entertainment, news, and lifestyle writer whose work delves into modern-day issues and experiences.