Why You Feel So Lonely But Also Hate Being Around People
It's a serious catch-22.
@samcity - TikTok/Christian Mueller - Shutterstock If you've ever found yourself sitting at home alone and feeling like you just need to connect with other people to rid yourself of the loneliness you feel, you are not alone. But sometimes, even when you venture out and spend time with other, you still feel alone, and that's a strange feeling.
A TikTok creator detailed that overwhelming feeling of being lonely, but still not wanting to be around people.
Samantha Wong told viewers that she wanted to 'trauma bond' in the caption' before going on to explain what she had been experiencing.
"I feel super lonely, but I don't want to hang out with anyone at all," she explained, adding that she has a strong desire to get out and do things but can't think of a single thing or person that interests her. Even when she does step out for a good time with the people she loves and cares about, she notices a feeling of lonesomeness lurking just beneath the surface.
The inexplicable sensation is not a testament to how much she enjoys the company of friends and family members. It's just something that is always there and Wong sees it as a curse since no matter what she does, she can feel it.
It's possible to be surrounded by people and still feel isolated.
Even people with a strong friend group and robust social life can suffer from chronic loneliness. You would think that in the age of instant connection via social media, cell phones and other advanced technology, it would be easy to connect with other, yet according to the Cigna Group, 58% of US adults are considered lonely.
The loneliness epidemic is worse for underrepresented groups like Blacks and Hispanics at 68% and 75% respectively. And those earning less than $50,000 per year are 10% more lonesome than people making more than that. There are also disparities between young adults and seniors with 79% of those 18-24 years old affected, while just 41% of seniors over the age of 66 are impacted.
Photo: Cigna
Existential loneliness may be why you feel lonely, but still don't want to be around people.
As explored in a 2020 study, the loneliness that nags at you even while in a crowded room is called emotional loneliness, which "originates from the absence of an intimate figure or a close emotional attachment." Another type of loneliness, called existential loneliness, can also make you feel detached from others and the world as a whole.
However, researchers noted that existential loneliness is largely self-inflicted, and "is the result of a broader separation related to the nature of existence and, in particular, a lack of meaning in life." Feeling this way may lead you to seek comfort in the company of others, as that's often the cure for social or emotional loneliness. Unfortunately, existential loneliness "has no permanent remedy," researchers explained, as ultimately, it's a mindset.
That said, there may be reasons you're approaching life with this mindset — as well as ways to combat it.
1. You're lacking deep connections.
Many people know a lot of people casually but don't consider them real friends. You connect on a surface level, but they have no idea what makes you tick. You would never share your deepest, darkest secrets with them or your emotions.
If this is the case for you, it's possible to forge deeper connections with those who already play an active role in your life. Female Mindset Mentor Jess Pinili shared a strategy called the 'ABC Roles Theory' that she says can help you create more meaningful relationships.
To start, use a notebook to list the people in your life. Then, assign letters of the alphabet to different roles that people fill in your life. For example, Pinili uses the letter A for deep connection, B for spiritual connection and so on. Lastly, assign these roles to each of the people you listed out.
"What this shows you is looking at how you can develop each role within your relationship," Pinili explains, adding in the caption that "not everyone can play every role." Rather, your aim should be to recognize people for the roles they do play and how you can better relate to each other within that role.
2. You don't have a positive support system.
That inability to form meaningful connections gives way to a lack of support. If you have no one to share with, there is no one to pick you up when you're feeling down or to give you advice when you are in need. Only being able to rely on yourself can be extremely lonely.
If you find that you're lacking a positive support system in your life, Robyn Tamanaha, LMFT, has suggested getting involved in a community associated with one of your hobbies to meet people with similar interests. Volunteering is another way to meet kind-hearted and similar-minded people.
3. You want to be around a specific person or people.
Being in a room full of people you have no interest in can cause loneliness, especially if you long to be with someone in particular. This could happen after a breakup and a fracture in any relationship where you are accustomed to another person's company and are suddenly deprived of it.
A person who is experiencing loneliness is susceptible to several detrimental conditions.
While "some scholars see existential loneliness as something that can be appreciated positively," researchers suggested, as "one finds strength in being solitary, although it takes effort to realize this situation," having connections with others is crucial to a fulfilling life, as ultimately, humans are social creatures. Dissatisfaction with life, lower self-esteem, reduced meaningfulness of life and depression are all potential effects of loneliness.
Even if you still feel lonely when surrounded by people, social contact is attached to an increased ability to deal with that feeling when you find yourself alone. It can also improve your wellbeing. The negative impact of loneliness was decreased in people who spent time in the company of others and amplified when people were actually by themselves.
If you or somebody that you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, there is a way to get help. Call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or text "HELLO" to 741741 to be connected with the Crisis Text Line.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington. She covers lifestyle, relationships, and human-interest stories that readers can relate to and that bring social issues to the forefront for discussion.