Mom Who Had No Grandparents Resents Mother-In-Law For Not Cultivating Close Relationship With Her Child
She wishes her child had a grandparent, in part because she never had them.
cottonbro studio / Pexels A mom wrote to the English parenting forum, Mumsnet, to explain an emotional conflict that led her to “perhaps irrationally” begrudge her mother-in-law. She wrote that her only child, age 10, has one living grandparent, who has “no interest whatsoever” in creating a relationship with them.
The mom, who grew up without grandparents, resents her mother-in-law for not being close to her child.
“I’m feeling quite sad about it, but I also had no grandparents and have no idea what is normal and what isn’t,” the mom explained. Through her child’s school, she witnesses the way other kids’ grandparents seem to be involved in their lives, which left her feeling like her kid was missing out on a valuable relationship.
According to the mom, her mother-in-law has never wanted to be involved in her child’s life. The mom said, “She’s never offered to take [our child] out, since they were born.” She explained that she and her partner have offered to give her time with their child, “with or without us, and never expected any childcare, which she made clear she wouldn’t be helping with.”
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She described her child as “well-behaved and old enough now to be good company,” yet her emotionally distant mother-in-law still won’t extend herself to cultivate any sense of closeness with her grandchild.
The mother-in-law talked about the ‘special bond’ she had with her neighbor’s kid, who is the same age as her grandchild.
The mom relayed that she wasn’t sure “if this was meant to be spiteful or not, but it did hurt... I suppose I’m disappointed [our child] doesn’t have much of a relationship with the only grandparent they have, I realize I can’t force one, but am I being unreasonable to expect more?”
A high number of comments came from other parents in similar situations, who described the ways their kids’ grandparents have failed to show up for their kids.
Many parents commented that a grandparent relationship can’t be forced, despite parents’ desire for them.
One person offered words of solace, stating, “Don't feel sad, just accept it's not going to happen and move on. Your child won't miss what they never had.”
The mom who wrote the original post left her own comment in the comment section, offering an explanation as to why it bothers her so much that her mother-in-law isn’t involved. She said that she didn’t have grandparents, and wished she did, “so I suppose it's that relationship I was hoping for, but [I} can see there’s no point forcing it.”
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The mom also noted that not having close grandparent relationships seemed “like it’s more normal than I thought.”
“I have made up an idea of what grandparents should look like because of the ones I see at the school gates, I suppose,” the mom stated. “I do think [our child] is missing out, to be honest, because all extra support is better than none, in my opinion, but good to know it’s more common than I realized.”
It’s entirely valid for the mom to wish that her child had a supportive grandparent. For her to see that there’s no completely ideal grandparent relationship normalizes her experience with her mother-in-law.
It appears that some aspect of feeling like her child is missing out stems from her own childhood without present grandparents. While the mom is correct in her belief that kids benefit from having multiple caring adults around, if her mother-in-law is unwilling to show up for her kid, it sounds like they might be better off without her in their lives.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers parenting issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.