Mom Forces Her Son To Invite His Bully To His Birthday Party Because 'She Might Have A Crush On Him'
She feels justified in this decision because the same thing happened to her in school.
Stefanolunardi / Shutterstock; Reddit When you were younger, your parents would always tell you that if someone was mean to you, it was because they had a crush on you. And one mom said that exact thing to her 12-year-old son regarding his bully.
In a now-deleted post on the subreddit r/AmItheA-Hole, after the mom discovered that her son’s bully was a girl, she insinuated that the girl was picking on him because she had a crush on him. Her son heavily doubted this. However, the Redditor insisted that this was true.
The mom suggested her son should invite his bully to his birthday party.
She wanted her son to invite his bully because she “can guarantee that she does like him and she’d be flattered if she invited him.” He didn’t want to, since the girl isn’t nice to him, but his mom made him do it anyway. “I know it’s the right decision,” she said.
Photo: Reddit
It turned out that the Redditor had a similar situation with a bully in high school. A boy was picking on her but he ended up liking her. They ended up dating and he was her high school love. She feels as though the same thing is happening to her son and his bully.
The Redditor asked other users to weigh in on the situation in the comments — and they were ruthless.
One user said, “A responsible parent, as soon as they hear about bullying, do not belittle the experience and definitely do not ensure that the bully is invited.” Another user wondered what kind of adult invites their kid’s bully to their birthday party.
The Redditor clapped back at the people in the comments by saying that she’s the adult so she has some say on who her son invites to his party. She said that she only suggested he invite one guest while allowing him to choose the rest.
Another user expressed their passionate opinion, saying, “You’re acting like a spoiled brat! 'I’m the adult here'. Really! News flash, you suck at it! How can you even think of inviting your son’s bully? Do you not believe your own child that he is being bullied? Are you embarrassed that his bully is a girl? You suck even more for the ‘she might have a crush on you’ utter bull crap.”
It is harmful to teach kids that if someone is mean to them it means that they have a crush on them.
According to Talkspace therapist Joanna Filidor, teaching your child that someone is mean to them because they have a crush on them sends a message that “love equates to violence.” This message is hurtful to children later in life because it can result in them misunderstanding abusive relationships for loving ones.
“When we tell children, and girls in particular, that this type of behavior is acceptable, we reinforce the notion [that] bullying behavior is a normal part of romantic relationships — and this is just simply untrue,” Talkspace provider Rachel O’Neill Ph.D. said. Instead, we should teach kids to be vulnerable and to treat those we care about with kindness and care.
For a young child, the confusing, happy, exciting, embarrassing, and vulnerable emotions of having a crush are hard to handle. “One reaction to vulnerability may be lashing out, by expressing aggression or cruelty to the object of the crush rather than care. This is augmented by a culture that says vulnerability is wrong.”
The belief American culture has around vulnerability being wrongly being projected onto young children can lead to potentially harmful behaviors in adulthood:
- 35% of heterosexual women experience abuse, rape, or stalking from an intimate partner.
- 29% of heterosexual men will experience abuse, rape, or stalking from an intimate partner.
- 61% of bisexual women will experience abuse, rape, or stalking from an intimate partner.
- 37% of bisexual men will experience abuse, rape, or stalking from an intimate partner.
What can parents do when their kids are being bullied?
Rather than telling a child that they are being bullied because their bully has a crush on them, parents can validate their child’s feelings by listening to the situation. By doing this, parents are showing their kids that they are a safe place to share their troubles and experiences without judgment.
Another thing parents can do is equip their children with the tools to deal with the bully. For instance, teach your child the art of emotional regulation so they can learn how to stay calm when their bully is confronting them. Role-playing several interactions can help with this.
They can teach their kids to stand up for themselves in a respectful way by combating the bully’s statements.
Lastly, creating an action plan with kids to deal with bullies is a great tool. The action plan could be a script of what they will say to their bullies, positive thoughts they will think about when they are being bullied, and killing their bullies with kindness.
These tools might not be in the arsenal of all parents, which is how the notion of “a child is mean because they have a crush” hasn't been put to rest. Hopefully, in the future, the notion can be debunked once and for all, and no more children will be forced to invite their bullies to their birthday parties.
Tarah Hickel is a Washington-based writer and a frequent contributor to YourTango. She focuses on entertainment and news stories including viral topics and parenting.