Mom Says The Hardest Part Of Carrying Mental Load In Her Family Can Be Explained By How School Performances Are Handled In Her Home
"It's not the mental load in itself, it's the bits that go with it," the mom explained.
Emma Bauso / Pexels A mom expressed her frustration about holding the weight of the mental load in her household. She wrote to Mumsnet, an English parenting forum, explaining how being the default parent was taking a toll on her patience.
The mom said that the hardest part of carrying the mental load is shown in the way her husband handles their daughter’s school performances.
She started her post by explaining how she sees conversations about the mental load unfolding, in that it’s usually discussed as being “the organizing and planning and thinking and noticing, and it absolutely is all of that.”
She then stated that the part she finds frustrating is “the need to accommodate and bring [her husband] along.” It seems that she resents having to “think about what he’s doing and how to fit that into whatever I’m thinking about and then, this is the most annoying part, to communicate.”
The mom used the example of her daughter’s school performances to highlight the communication breakdown between her and her husband.
Photo: Greta Hoffman / Pexels
She described how every summer, her daughter’s school holds a day in which parents are invited to visit. Students who participated in performance clubs throughout the year get the chance to showcase their performances for their parents or grandparents.
According to the mom, her husband has participated in the event “at least 6 times.” Not only that, he receives “the same communication from the school that [she] does. He has the same conversations with [their] daughter.” And it’s not that he’s not involved — “He does school runs 7 out of the 10 runs we do a week.”
“Yet, I’ve just had to talk him through what is needed, what he will have to do, the timing,” the mom complained. “I just want to scream.”
Her frustration stems from repeatedly explaining how to complete the task at hand, despite the fact that her husband has the same information that she has.
Many people in the comments wondered if the mom had ever directly expressed how she felt to her husband, which led her to come to the comment section and offer more context to her original post.
She stated, “Over the years, as I’ve realized the patterns we were slipping into, I have had these conversations with [my] husband. I pointed out exactly what was in my original post — he has done this before, he has had the communications, he has talked to [our] daughter. It’s not up tp me to explain it to him.”
She responded to a question that many people asked in the comments: What would happen if she didn’t go the extra mile to continuously explain what her husband has to do? “Excellent question,” she answered. “I suspect like with all issues to do with the mental load, the answer is that it would not be done.”
Photo: Pixabay / Pexels
Yet the problem with that tactic, as she sees it, is that then, “the people who are affected are not the person not doing it — it’s the [children] or me who are impacted. Which is why so often these things continue to land with women.”
Another person spoke to that exact issue with their comment, stating, “I’ll guess you want your child not to be let down and impacted, so you rescue [your husband] a lot to ensure that doesn’t happen, but that perpetuates the cycle. Let [him] let them down, and let him sit with that feeling. Don’t enable him.”
While difficulties in communication can be a downside to any relationship, the fact that the mom feels like she holds the burden of maintaining an open line of discussion to keep their lives moving in an orderly fashion highlights that there’s an imbalance at play.
It appears that she’s doing what she can to create change so she's not always the default parent — she’s talked to her husband and leaned on outside support networks for guidance. Often, giving voice to frustrations eases their initial intensity.
Hopefully, the mom found some solace in expressing herself, and told her husband why she feels so overwhelmed.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers parenting issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.