Mom Can't Decide If Her Unhappy Marriage Is A Valid Reason To 'Blow Up A Family'
Divorce is a loss, in all senses of the word.
Alex Green / Pexels A mom wrote to Mumsnet, an English parenting forum, wondering what constitutes a good enough reason to ask for a divorce. She and her husband have been together for 19 years, and married for 15 of those years. They have two kids together, one in high school and the other in elementary school.
The mom explained that she’s unhappy in her marriage, yet there’s “no real reason,” aside from her relationship evolving into “just two people who live together and co-parent” without a sense of romance or connection.
The mom isn't sure if her unhappy marriage is a valid reason to ‘blow up a family.’
She explained that she and her husband have lost both their physical and their emotional connection to each other, noting that they aren't intimate anymore and hardly talk to one another. “There’s just nothing there,” she said. “We don’t even argue, it’s just like we exist.”
Photo: Cottonbro Studio / Pexels
She described the life they share. They split household duties well, and the facade of their relationship looks solid. As she said, “On the outside we have a nice house, go on holiday and all the ‘normal’ things you’d expect a family to do.”
“My perception of divorces is there’s usually major reasons but here there just isn’t, I’m just flat out unhappy,” she added.
The mom was seeking reassurance that being unhappy in her marriage was reason enough to end it. She expressed how lost she felt.
She was stuck between wanting to make a change for her own comfort, and wondering if divorcing would "destroy" her kids’ sense of stability, saying, “I can see life just stretching out for both of us and when the kids leave we look at each other and realize we’ve both wasted years of our lives.”
Divorce doesn’t always occur because of some explosive reason — sometimes, married people are just unhappy.
The mom’s predicament is a common one. The reality is that no one deserves to stay in a relationship in which they’re not happy, even if they have kids, and even if from the outside their marriage appears fine.
According to research from a 2017 study from the Pew Research Center, the divorce rate for people over 50 years old has almost doubled since 1990. More people belonging to the Boomer Generation are getting divorced, compared to younger couples.
The rising trend of divorcing later in life has been deemed “gray divorce,” and the reasons behind it have to do with shifting cultural expectations.
In an article by Everyday Health, Dr. Susan L. Brown, a co-director of the National Center for Family & Marriage Research, noted that the markers of what makes a good marriage have changed dramatically from past decades.
She explained that “A good marriage is now defined by questions such as ‘Does this marriage make me happier as a person?’ and ‘Is my marriage contributing to my self-fulfillment?’ If the answer is no, then divorce may be viewed as an acceptable solution.”
It seems as though the mom seeking guidance on navigating a possible reason for divorce is asking herself those exact questions. In our current cultural landscape, being unhappy or unfulfilled in a romantic relationship is reason enough to call it quits.
Divorce isn't a smooth or simple process. Divorce is a loss, in all senses of the word. Yet deciding to get divorced isn't always a bad thing, as it paves the way for people to live more authentic versions of their lives.
Photo: Ketut Subiyanto / Pexels
Regarding her worries about her kids, being raised in a two-parent household might not be entirely beneficial if those two parents are miserable. Staying in a marriage that isn’t working models a distinct message to her kids: That her happiness isn’t worth nurturing.
Staying connected to one’s spouse, even in the best of times, takes emotional and practical labor. In our society, divorce is often framed as a failure, when really, it annotates the ending of a relationship that’s shifted away from being one that works to one that no longer does.
The mom owes it to herself and her family to prioritize seeking happiness in the only life she gets to lead.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She parenting, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.