Mom Shares How The Advice To 'Never Be First To Let A Kid's Hug Go' Has Changed Her As A Parent
It's a great way to make sure kids are getting all the affection they need, but therapists say parents need to be careful of the potential pitfalls.
anastassiyavinogradova / Canva; @jesgragghampton / TikTok A piece of parenting advice has gone viral on TikTok in part because of how surprisingly simple it is. But as so often happens with deceptively simple tricks, moms are finding that the impact it has on their kids is anything but small.
Moms on TikTok are sharing the advice to 'never be first to let a kid's hug go.'
Mom and TikToker Jes Gragg Hampton recently posted a video about hearing this advice from another creator, and how it has impacted her approach to parenting.
"I've now noticed how often I'm the one to let go," she said. "It made me realize that there are many times, so many times, that I have cut my kids' hugs short because I hugged them for what I thought was the normal amount of time for most people or adults or whatever, when they weren't ready to let go yet."
She went on to say that the advice "has warmed my heart" and that she's noticed since making the shift that now when she gives her kids a squeeze, "they just keep hugging me and keep hugging me."
It's a beautiful way to make sure your kids' needs are being met when it comes to affection, especially since adults and kids have such different perceptions about what is a "normal" length for something like a hug. But lovely as the idea to let them lead the way may be, experts say it needs to be handled with care to avoid potential downsides.
Therapists say that to 'never be first to let a kid's hug go' is a nice idea, but it's not without its pitfalls.
Making sure children have their emotional needs met is vitally important to their mental and emotional development and is a crucial part of developing secure attachment, the healthy form of a child's bond with their primary caregiver in which the child feels safe and accepted.
But therapists caution that while the instinct to let a child lead the way when it comes to physical affection isn't entirely bad, the idea comes with serious potential pitfalls.
"I'm leery of any sort of parenting advice that's presented as a hard and fast rule," Deanna, a Detroit-based psychotherapist, told me. "Because every kid is going to have a different set of needs and every kid is going to react to things differently."
Or, as one parent on TikTok jokingly put it, "I'd probably spend the day with my kid hanging around my neck like a necklace," which isn't really feasible for parent or child, after all.
Tricia, a colleague of Deanna's who works with children who suffer from Complex PTSD, said being cautious about this rule is doubly important for children who are already dealing with trauma or who have traumatized caregivers.
"These children often step into the caregiver role," she said. "They want to meet their parents' emotional needs, and may feel obligated to stay in the hug to make their caregiver feel loved."
Therapists also worry about the message it could send to kids — and how it could become another stressor for moms and dads.
"What if the parent has a bad back and has to let the hug go? What if they urgently have to go tend to something else?" Deanna posited. "One thing parents do is model things for their kids, so if a parent is showing their kid, 'I'm here for you all the time, I'm at your beck and call, my eyes are always on you, all of that to my own detriment,' then they're modeling for their kid that that's the way it should be," she said. "I don't think that's a good message."
Deanna and Tricia both agreed that, within reason, trying to never be first to let a kid's hug go is a lovely idea, especially in times of great need like when a young child hurts themself, or an older child faces a crushing disappointment like their first breakup or failing a huge test.
But Deanna cautions that it's just as important that parents know this whole hugging thing isn't a make-or-break proposition. "You're not going to mess up your kid's attachment because of one hug that was ended too early," she said.
That, in the end, was what most gave Deanna pause about this advice: its potential to become yet another referendum on whether someone is a "good" or "bad" parent, in a time when many standards set for parents have become difficult to meet.
"I think we can all maybe pump the brakes just a little bit," she said with a laugh. "Parents have it hard enough, and it's not like it gets easier over time!"
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice and human interest topics.