6 Tiny Signs Your Marriage Has Expired, According To Experts
The best-by date on a marriage is blurry to read.
Tais Bernabe | Canva A marriage can have a shelf life, but it is a challenge to recognize when it has expired.
Marriages don't come with a best-by date. You can't give your marriage the sniff test to know if it has turned sour, and there will be no fuzzy indicators of mold growth.
Here are 6 tiny signs your marriage has expired, according to YourTango experts:
1. You find excuses not to spend time with each other
They find excuses not to spend time with each other. The excuses might sound legitimate, such as work, kids, etc. But deep down, when you know you or your spouse are finding reasons to avoid each other, that's not a good sign. Avoidance is a relationship killer, and quality time is vital for connection.
— Blair Nicole, MA, Psychology & Marriage Family Therapist (AMFT)
2. It's easier to ignore the problems than talk about them.
Problems aren't discussed, and communication is minimal. When you don't feel comfortable discussing your problems or other concerns with your partner, that may be a sign there's a lack of emotional safety in your relationship. And the problem doesn't stop there.
When you can talk to your partner about your concerns (or vice versa), what may start as small issues build up into bigger issues, which often turn into contempt or resentment. Contempt is one of the "4 horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships," according to John Gottman. Contempt can be a significant predictor of divorce.
— Blair Nicole, MA, Psychology & Marriage Family Therapist (AMFT)
3. You've settled into indifference.
One key sign a marriage has run its course is when one or both partners are indifferent to each other.
A couple who have a noticeable lack of care, connection, or desire to be together from one or both partners often is a sign the relationship is done. In contrast to conflict, indifference is concerning because it signifies that the drive to stay close, make an effort to bond, and work together is gone.
— Dr. Cortney Warren, Board Certified Clinical Psychologist
4. There are endless broken promises and empty apologies.
They broke too many promises, and you don't trust them anymore.
They say, "I'm sorry," but they do the same thing again and don't apologize unless you point it out. They rarely do what they say they will and don't show up in your relationship. If you have children, they are not there for the kids unless you tell them what to do and check in to be sure they will be there.
What your interactions might look like:
- They know they disappoint you and brush off the failed promises. They think you are overreacting. This includes helping at home and remembering special occasions like anniversaries, birthdays, or date nights.
- They don't kiss or hug you unless you initiate it.
- They spend time with friends after work or on weekends but don't spend time with you. For example, they play sports but are too tired to take a walk with you.
- When you need a hug or someone to listen to, you stop going to them. You feel like you don't have an emotional connection anymore.
- The only time they are sweet is when you are out with others. Or when they want physical intimacy.
These interactions make you stop being loving, become resentful, and end up pushing your partner away. Instead, you could look at yourself.
One caveat to this. If you are resentful, your partner might avoid you because they feel you are pushing them away. If you praise what they do right and ask lovingly for help instead of being resentful, they might show up in the relationship. How can you change?
— Marilyn Sutherland, Relationship Magician at Love Lead Connect
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5. The emotional debt has become bankrupt intimacy.
If you are asked to rate the truth of the statement, "My partner is my best friend," on a scale between zero and ten, with zero being the lowest score and ten being the highest. If your score is consistently between zero and three, then your marriage is, IMHO, bankrupt.
Relationships are incredibly challenging. No one feels close to their partner all of the time. People are annoying, imperfect, and sometimes selfish. Even in a good relationship, there are bad times. Relationships can tolerate some bad times. It's always better to have a few close friends along with your partner in those times.
If you consistently experience your partner as not being in the pantheon of your other best friends, then the emotional basis for your intimate relationship has evaporated. You can't count on them for emotional support and don't trust them to understand you.
For most people in ongoing relationships, a lack of emotional intimacy and loss of the sense of being known will also mean your physical intimacy has evaporated or is rote. And so, the marriage is vapid.
— Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D. Author, relationship expert, psychologist, individual, couple, and therapist
6. Your partner tells you it's time to get a job
Your spouse repeatedly tells you it is time for you to get a job. This is a clear sign of an expired marriage.
— Ronald Bavero, Divorce Attorney & Author
Expired marriages are difficult to spot because they often look like any other marriage.
The signs of expiration build slowly over time through resentment, communication breakdown, avoidance, and broken promises that all lead to indifference.
When you know the signs of a marriage sliding into expiration, you can try to reverse the process before your marriage culture becomes a petri dish of indifference decaying into divorce.
Will Curtis is a writer and editor for YourTango. He's been featured on the Good Men Project and taught English abroad for ten years.