How I Feel Now That You Only Exist In My Dreams
Why after all this time are you coming back to me?
getty By Kristen Buccigrossi
I wake in a cold chill. My vision is blurry and my mind is dazed. I am unaware of where I am.
My full focus is to try to get back, back to the last minute when I was with you in my dream.
I am panicked by the idea that you were there after all this time. It has been so long since I have felt your touch or heard your voice, but you were right there next to me.
It felt so real to see you again. I need to get back to that moment.
Every night it is the same thing: we are back in that deserted field where we once laid, looking up the stars and learning about each other.
It was something so simple to you, waiting for a shooting star and letting your secrets flow. For me, it was one of the biggest moments that I can remember. It was the moment that I fell in love for the first time.
Right there in your arms, I felt safe. I felt alive. I felt like I knew what I was getting myself into, by letting myself fall for you.
Years later, my consciousness still comes back to this moment, trying to figure out where it went wrong.
When the darkness comes and I am taken back to that moment, I feel like I am reaching out to you.
Still looking for the answers that I had never received. Still looking for a reason for you walking away. Still looking for something more that I have been missing on that night or the days that followed. Still looking for that piece of the puzzle that I keep missing on a regular day.
I feel like my consciousness is reaching out to you in my dreams because I know I can’t in real life.
I know that if I reach out to you, we will go right back to our old ways. It will be this endless cycle of me falling and you not being there to catch me.
I will lose all the strength that I have gained with you again. I will let you win like I always did. I will lose all sense of myself. I will let you hurt me again, as I always did, because my heart is too big to say no.
But why after all this time are you coming back to me? Why does my mind wander back to the thought of you in that field after all this time?
Why do you still have a way of twisting my heart back to you, even in my dreams? What is it that I am missing that makes you keep coming back for more?
Maybe in some ways, you are reaching out to me with your dreams too. Or maybe, it is just a dream.
When reality hits and you are gone, I am not left missing you. My mind is in a haze of your blue eyes, but I am able to see clear the future that lies ahead of me.
My heart is not left hurting, but thriving for the best that is yet to come. My body feels free of the love that was still left on me.
My love is ready for someone else. In reality, I am okay with you just being a dream.
So I will meet you again, where everything is right and we are happy.
Where we can just be and not have to worry about the world around us. Where we have no problems and can just be free.
Where we can remember the love that we had shared and the sweet moments that no one can take away. Where I can remember the good times and not have to think about what has come of us.
I will see you again soon, if only in my dreams.
Kristen Buccigrossi is a writer whose work has been published on Huffington Post, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, Unwritten, and more. Visit her website for more.