Why I Can Only Blame Myself For What Happened Between Us
My optimism took over and blinded me to the truth.
ESB Professional / Shutterstock By Kristen Buccigrossi
There are days when I look back and can do nothing but hate you.
I think about all the times you made me feel jaded, all the times that you made me feel neglected, all the times you made me feel inadequate.
I remember all the tears that were shed and all the moments wasted fighting for your attention. I think back to all the moment that I felt like a hollow soul and I question how I let it get this far.
But then I look closer at the pain and I realize, I am the only one to blame.
I should have been more observant.
You weren’t interested in what I had to say and you made it clear, but I still stood there screaming at the top of my lungs.
You were clear that you didn’t want to be a part of my everyday life, yet I kept inserting myself in yours, trying to make you see how good it could be.
You didn’t have to say you didn’t want me around, your actions said it all. I just had my eyes shut too tight to see it.
I shouldn’t have been so naive.
You weren’t interested in making my life a romantic comedy, yet I still dreamt it up in my mind that way.
You weren’t interested in anything more than a fling, but in the movies, they always change their mind; you will, too.
You never did anything to make me think that this was going to turn out the way I was hoping that it would. My optimism took over and blinded me to the truth.
I shouldn’t have been such a pushover.
You stuck to your rules and I buckled on mine.
You told me you weren’t ready for a relationship and I changed my needs.
You always managed to get your way and I always managed to let you have it. I always thought that making you happy would make you see things differently. I was wrong every damn time.
I shouldn’t have been so available.
You were always making plans last minute and I was always one to come running. You had an hour, I would be there in a minute.
I would change my plans, I would go out of my way, I would stop the world if it meant that I got to spend just a moment with you.
You were selective with your communication with me and I always picked up for you no matter what.
I shouldn’t have let myself fall alone.
You never really told me how you felt and yet I was telling you my feelings every chance I could.
You drunkenly told me you liked me once and I was ready to propose.
You never made an effort to even properly take me out on a date and yet I was there falling for a stranger I knew nothing about.
You let me fall on my own and I was the one who had to catch myself on my own.
When I look back, I can’t hate you.
I am frustrated by the way you treated me. I am irritated that I let you manipulate me in such a condescending way.
I am confused as to what you ever really wanted from this in the long run.
But, more importantly, I am disappointed in myself, because I could have prevented this from happening all along.
Kristen Buccigrossi is a writer whose work has been published on Huffington Post, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, Unwritten, and more. Visit her website for more.