The Wildly Unconventional Oral Sex/Puppy Agreement That Saved Our Married Sex Life
Using oral sex as a bargaining chip seemed unromantic ... until it worked.
MilanMarkovic78 / Shutterstock Two months ago we didn’t have a puppy. Nor were my wife and I having much sex.
“How about this one?” my wife asked, shoving her phone in my face. “Look how cute she is!”
“We’re not getting a dog,” I said, automatically, without even a glance.
For twelve years it’s been the same conversation: she wants I dog, I don’t want a dog.
I had built what I thought was a sophisticated argument against dog ownership. They’re messy, they bark, they chew, and they poop all over the place.
“Besides,” I continued, “for thousands of years it was a fair trade between man and dog. We supplied them fire and shelter as long as they supplied us meat. Now look at us, we pamper them!”
“Okay,” my wife said, “You wanna talk fair trade, let’s talk fair trade. Name your price.”
“What?”
“If we get a dog, what do you want out of it?”
I thought she was joking but my wife had a playful look in her eye. She knew what I wanted. I knew she knew what I wanted. So I just sat there with that stupid look on my face I always get when I want something very specific from my wife.
“Okay, let me see if I can convince you,” she said, taking me by the hand and leading me upstairs to our bedroom.
I’ll cut right to the chase. We have a puppy now. I am also receiving weekly oral sex (in perpetuity) as “payment.”
But before you cast me out as just another chauvinist internet pig, things have surprisingly worked out.
For one, I like our puppy. Okay, that’s a lie, I love our puppy. She’s sweet and fluffy and I can’t imagine our home without her. But that’s not all that’s changed. My wife, who’s always been a bit apprehensive in the blowjob department has realized, she kind of likes giving them (no really, she actually admitted this surprising revelation to me).
In other words, when both of us sacrificed a little, we gained a lot in return.
Not only do we have a lovable puppy, but we’re also having a lot of sex — a lot of GOOD sex, mind you. It’s not that we didn’t have good sex before but after nearly nine years of marriage and two kids, it’s gotten kind of ... routine. Now we’re tearing into each other like we’re 18 all over again.
But that’s beside the point.
The point is that if you clicked on this article thinking you can simply bribe your girl to give you on-demand oral sex, you’ve got it all wrong. Relationships don’t last on manipulative tactics. They last on trust.
And sometimes you have to find playful means of testing that trust.
Before talking about trust, let me veer off on a brief but relevant tangent. Prior to adopting a puppy and entering into our little trade-off, my wife and I had okay sex about once a week.
The frequency of our sex life was always a touchy subject. So was the imbalance of oral sex (I go down on her way more often). But we managed.
I had always made my desires known: I enjoyed blowjobs and wished she’d do it more often. She was clear with hers. So we were stuck in a stalemate.
Then one night we had a playful idea. She’d trade one blowjob if I woke up early with the kids so that she could sleep in. I was undoing my pants before she finished her demands (she tossed in a solo shopping trip before I could back out).
I enjoyed the blowjob, but I also felt ... bad. Using oral sex as a bargaining chip seemed like the unromantic thing to do. Had we stooped so low in our relationship already? But then I noticed she was enjoying herself. I relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the session.
After, she was all giddy about her soon-to-be quiet, kid-free morning.
“That didn’t feel wrong to you?” I asked.
“No, it was fun. Night!” she said with a kiss.
That was our first step toward healthy, playful, conditional love.
Conditional love
We’ve all heard it before, the best form of love is unconditional love. No strings. No contracts. Just love, at all costs.
It’s sweet and sentimental and a bit boring.
Here’s what I think my wife and I have mastered over the twelve years of being together: we know how to find the right balance of conditional and unconditional love.
Of course, our little weekly oral sex agreement isn’t written in stone. I didn’t make her sign the papers in front of a Notary (which, I assume, would have been quite the day for Mr. Notary). Nor would I ever expect my wife to uphold her side of the bargain every single week.
It’s all about trust. It’s all about knowing we have each other’s best interest in mind, conditionally or unconditionally.
I’ve always felt guilty asking for a blowjob. It’s a one-way street so to speak. But something changed after our agreement. My wife no longer goes through the motions, she goes to town intently to show her love and appreciation. Grateful for her love (and mouth), I in turn try to show my love and affection in myriad ways.
Butt pinches. Kitchen kissing sessions (to torrents of “Boo!” and “Eww” from our kids). Unsexy snuggle sessions with a bottle of wine and Hello, Dolly! And yes, adopting a puppy I thought I didn’t want because I knew it would make my wife incredibly happy.
It’s conditional and unconditional. It’s hot and fun. It’s love.
It takes a specific kind of relationship to pull something like this off. If either party begrudgingly goes about with their side of the bargain, it’s not going to last.
For a long time, my anti-dog stance was part of my stubborn identity. I held on to it like a coconut crab holding, well, a coconut (they have a surprisingly strong grip). However, it felt good giving up a part of myself knowing that won’t become something less but rather something more. I know she feels the same way in return.
Sex expert Emily Morse puts it more elegantly: ”We think that we want sex, but what we actually crave is intimacy. And intimacy is when we are truly our open, vulnerable, authentic selves with somebody else.”
So here’s my practical advice: If your goal is to get something out of your relationship instead of giving something, you’re doing it all wrong.
Sorry to disappoint, guys. This isn’t a story about a puppy purchased with tender sucklings. Nope. It’s about finding the small ways to add a little fun to your relationship. It’s about intentionally testing your trust so to strengthen it further.
It’s about learning to give so as to receive.
After showing this article to my wife, she only had one thing to add, “You forgot to mention the one time I gave you a blowjob while you were on the phone.”
Oh yeah, that was wild.
When he's not wrangling his kids or teasing his career-driven wife, James Mortimer is plopped in front of a computer and writing about parenting, love, and marriage. He has hobbies but is usually too worn out for them. Occasionally, he reads books.