How To Tell If Your Online Relationship Is Worth Pursuing Once Quarantine Is Over
Let's go on a date!
getty Thanks to the quarantines imposed by the coronavirus pandemic, many people turned to online dating apps in hopes of meeting 'The One.'
In a recent video for Business Insider's What's Next series, host Manny Fidel reported that "On Bumble, messages sent saw a 20% increase in San Francisco, Seattle, and New York. Over on Hinge, there was a 30% increase in messages sent. Tinder saw its biggest day ever on March 29, with over 3 billion swipes in just one day."
So what happens to all of these budding online relationships once the pandemic is over, quarantines are lifted, and we no longer have to social distance?
According to relationship expert and author of Love Strong Denna Babul, that depends on how your relationship progressed throughout the pandemic.
According to Babul, under normal circumstances, relationships usually have different phases, the attraction, courting, and falling stages. But during this quarantine-palooza, relationship phases are practically nonexistent.
Instead, couples are going straight into so-called turbo relationships. The courting phase is skipped and couples become quickly and seriously committed to each other.
Because the courting phase is skipped over, most couples are missing some major moments that you would normally have, moments that help give you a better understanding of how they act, if they are odd, what their friends have to say about them, if there is any weirdness, are they rude, and, above all else, how your personalities click in person.
Babul suggests that it's very important to slow each other down, stay true to your standards, and keep having those normal conversations that you would usually have in a relationship.
There are some red flags that suggest your online relationship might not work out.
Babul says that ignoring the red flags in your relationship will not work after quarantine. What you don't like will continue and it will constantly show you that your relationship is what you don't want.
Here are the relationship red flags to look for:
1. The person you are with makes you question yourself physically or emotionally.
2. You tend to suppress your emotions in order to avoid potential arguments.
3. You catch yourself repeating past relationship mistakes.
4. You feel like you have to act and appear to be someone else.
5. They ask you to change things about yourself.
6. You feel like you have to pull your relationship back, reign them back in, and that you just are not on the same page.
7. You have to put on a face to get through a certain phase of a relationship.
If you make yourself the best of what you think they want, then they will leave once they find out that is not you. Therefore the crash will be harder because you have lost the idea of who you are and what you really wanted.
Also, take the time to figure out what phase of a relationship you are in love with. Once you do, then you will be able to actively move past it and stop getting stuck. This phase is where you get hung up, over and over. You have to break the cycle.
Always know what it is you are looking for in a relationship and know what you are getting into so you go in with your eyes wide open.
When you're seeing green flags, your online relationship is on a good trajectory.
Babul says that when you have all green flags in your relationship, then you should go for it.
These relationship green flags include:
1. Your partner is going out of the way to meet your needs.
2. In your relationship, conflicts can be resolved in a way where you don't feel like you have lost yourself or belittled. You feel empowered, peaceful, and you are assured that you can get through this little spat.
3. Your significant other encourages you to be who you are and makes you feel accepted and trusted.
4. You don't have to analyze your relationship. It just feels right.
5. Other people will tell you that you are perfect for each other.
6. You never feel judged.
7. You feel like you can dream and try new things.
Always remember that if everything is going right, don't overthink and question your experience. Don't be afraid to believe in your relationship!
Try to remind yourself that feeling green is good. You shouldn't let yourself get scared that the other shoe is going to drop or fear that the relationship is some sort of too-good-to-be-true illusion.
Above all else, never let the naysayers make you question why you are together. There is a reason you have crossed paths, so, just ride it out and see what happens.
Eventually, your online relationship will become more tangible post-quarantine.
Babul says that the most important thing to do at the end of quarantine is to have a conversation about what both of your expectations are. Ask each other how you see the next month, week, or year will look like ideally. Find out what you both are excited about doing and if either of you sees any possible issues arising.
Something you will find out about your partner is if your partner acts the same in the real world as they have during the quarantine. Find out how they really deal with conflicts.
It's very important to be understanding and just talk out what you think you may have conflicts over.
Something to work on personally is how you go about fixing your core fear and how you work through it.
Always remember to love people how they need to be loved. This is important in your relationship so you know how to make them feel loved, instead of making how you feel loved how you love them. Thus, taking yourself out of the equation.
Also, watch out for your significant other's verbal and nonverbal cues. As humans, we learn different things from our history and parent's history and we put off and observe different/specific cues. But remember, we always go back to our history and what we know, and we read into things in ways that may be wrong. We just need to not jump to conclusions before we make a decision that may or may not be an accurate reflection of the situation.
Babul gives one great piece of advice for those who have started online relationships during the quarantine.
She says it's important to become "love strong." It's also important for everyone to take the time to go over their personal history, the past, present, and what each of you you want in the future. Take time to have that metaphorical "you show me yours, I show you mine."
Always enjoy the time you spend together for what it was and then do a checkpoint periodically in your relationship to make sure you are on the same page before you move forward. If you don't like something, you can work together to make it better so you don't screw your relationship up.
Babul explained that people get in trouble when they want someone else to do the work for them, the hypothetical knight in shining armor.
But a relationship is something that really takes time so that they can learn who you are, what your history is, how you pick relationships, and what you brought into adulthood from your childhood. This will give them a great indication of what will and will not work for you because when you both know what each other wants, needs, and desires, can make you both better partners. This moves you out of fantasy land.
She also told me that deep love is there for a long time because it is based on both of your true wants, needs, and core values as they are what makes you feel safe and loved, which is what everyone needs most of all. Everyone needs security and encouragement, and if you don't put the work in beforehand, you are going to do the work anyway into your relationship as chaos ensues.
As a society where we crave instant gratification, we need to take the time to work on ourselves because even if we run from pain, you need to sit with yourself to get the biggest return out of your relationship.
Emily Francos is a writer who covers relationships, pop culture, and news topics.