56 Funny Wedding Vows To Make Your Guests Laugh
Why a shed tear when you could share a laugh at the altar?
Andrii Drachuk via Shutterstock / stediaco, ZenZain and Artem Podrez via Canva Traditional wedding vows are great if you’re a traditional couple. If you’re not, maybe you should forgo the traditional route altogether.
Wedding vows don’t always have to be extremely romantic. Your vows symbolize a lifelong promise to always love one another. Going against tradition doesn’t make the vows any less heartfelt or significant. Your vows should reflect you and your future spouse and be authentic to your relationship.
If you guys are constantly making jokes and always laughing, there’s a strong sense of humor within your relationship.
Funny wedding vows can be an authentic representation of your love and your relationship with each other — and leave your guests laughing.
You don’t have to turn your wedding ceremony into a full-on comedy stand-up show, but why not spice up the traditional vows with a few jokes here and there?
I’ve been a bridesmaid quite a few times and I can honestly say that the audience loves it when the couple or officiant makes a joke. I think funny vows have a way of making the couple reminisce on all the good times they’ve shared while keeping the audience entertained. Humor enhances the whole atmosphere.
It’s not always that easy to come up with the perfect wedding vows. Writing your own vows is a daunting task. How do you even begin to write all the reasons you love someone or all the lifelong promises you intend to keep?
Remember it’s your day and if you want to be funny, do just that.
If you need a little inspiration, check our list of the best funny wedding vows:
Funny wedding vows for him
1. "Yes, I'll love her if we're rich. And I will love her in a ditch, I'll love her through good times and bad. Whether we are happy or sad. Yes, I will have, and I will hold (I could have sworn this has been told!). I promise to love all my life, this woman, as my lawful wife!"
2. "We look pretty good. What is it we were all dressed up for?"
3. "I vow to open jars for you and pretend that you loosened it, even though we both know it was my manly muscles that opened that thing."
4. "I will dedicate my life to you, without question. When people ask me why I will quote the great Michael Scott by saying 'That’s what she said.'"
5. "I, promise to love you, even though you have an obsession with Britney Spears and other girly pop music. I promise I will learn to love all of your favorite pop stars like Britney Spears and Madonna, and will not criticize your choice in music from here on out."
6. "I promise to love you even when you refuse to let me watch the football, to cherish you even when you blow one week’s salary on yet another handbag, and to understand you even when you are mad at me because of something that happened in a dream."
7. "I, take you, to be my awful wedded wife, to have and to scold, from this day fast-forwarded for better but not worse, for richer, sans poorer, forget sickness only in health, to loathe and to cherish, till suspicious death does we part."
8. "When I say ‘I do,’ I don’t mean the dishes."
9."I promise to take care of you and give you a weekly allowance since you want to be an unemployed housewife."
10. "I promise to love and honor during the offseason."
11. "Who loves you, baby? Me ... that wasn't rhetorical. I really meant ... I am the one who loves you ... baby."
12. "I, take you, to be my lawfully wedded wife. To be together in happiness and strife, to have and to hold, even if your cooking grows mold."
13. "I promise to love you until the end of my days. As long as you stay out of my baseball plays."
14. "This ring is a symbol of how you've got me wrapped around your finger."
15. "'Until death do we part ... or until you become a Cubs fan.'"
16. "I want your worst — give me your bad hair days, your long commutes, your burnt coffee, lost keys, splashed shoes, annoying coworkers, lost receipts, broken copiers, give me your every day, and I will give you my love to make it alright."
17. "I promise to love you at all times — even during football season."
18. "I promise to treasure you always from now to the end of the world because you are the prettiest girl in all of Wisconsin. It's especially funny because I've never set foot in Wisconsin."
19. "I will tell you you are a MILF even when you gain 250 pounds from childbirth. I will never let you change a dirty diaper. I think it’s time you stop calling your husband instead of your baby daddy."
20. "I promise to post you on my Instagram every Wednesday for Women Crush Wednesday and to block any woman that isn’t you on social media."
Funny wedding vows for her
21. "I promise that as your wife, I will not keep score, even though I am totally winning."
22. "I mean why wouldn’t I be your wife? Let’s get this wedding over with, [insert favorite show] is coming on tonight."
23. "I vow to never beat you at beer pong in front of your boys."
24. "I, (insert your name), take you (insert fiance’s name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, for even poorer when I’ve been shopping, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."
25. "I'm so happy I accepted your rose."
26. "I triple-dog dared you to propose and here we are. I bet you won’t say 'I do.'"
27. "I vow as your wife to always support your dreams, even the one about the whale in the living room."
28. "I vow to thrill you each day — to amaze and astonish you — did I mention all the magic tricks I am learning?"
29. "Now that we have gotten skinny for this wedding, let's get real fat together."
30. "I pledge to be faithful even when we're old and dull."
Cute funny wedding vows
31. "As one volcano said to the other, 'I have a dream I hope will come true that you'll grow old with me and I'll grow old with you — I thank the earth, sea — the sky I thank too — I lava you.'"
32. "Let's grow old disgracefully together."
33. "I promise to love you as much as I do our dog. From this day forward, I will lint roll the chairs whenever your parents visit. I will love you in sickness and in health, as long as you take care of the vet visits. I promise to cuddle you as much as I do (pet’s name) and pick up treats for you whenever he gets some too."
34. "I guess I kind of hate most things, but I never really seem to hate you. So I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Is that cool?"
35. "Let's be dumb together — just plain stupid. Make bad choices, eat the wrong things, take the bad turns, and then let's tell great stories, the same ones — forever and ever until no one can stand us but each other."
36. "I vow to stand by your side when the zombie apocalypse comes and should you be turned into one, I promise to let you bite me, so I can too be one and, therefore, stay by your side forever."
37. "I hope you’re free for the rest of your life, so why not pencil me in forever?"
38. "I vow to protect you from all the ills of the world, even if a scientist invented a way to clone dinosaurs and the dinosaurs escaped from his zoo and then they came after us — I would protect you as well as I could manage from said dinosaurs. That is how much I love you."
39. "I promise to be your co-pilot, your navigator, and to bring snacks on our road trip through life."
31. "I vow to laugh, for real, at your every joke no matter how stupid or poorly told. I love you that much."
41. "From this day forward I promise to be worth it. Worth the time. Worth the trip. Worth the energy. Worth the embarrassment. Worth your love. I promise that you will always count. You will always come first, and of course, if you don’t for whatever reason, I will buy you some shoes."
42. "A pair of penguins mate for life, across hundreds of miles of tundra. The female penguin travels to bring food to the male, as he watches the egg over a month of sub-zero temperatures. As your husband, I promise never to ask you to do anything like that."
43. "I’m a Libra and you’re Scorpio. Let's prove astrology wrong 'til death do us part or our lack of compatibility, whichever comes first."
44. "I would marry you in a boat and with a goat. I would marry you in the rain and in the dark and on a train. And in a car and in a tree, you are so good — so good to me. So I will love you in a box and I will love you (you're a fox) and I will love you in our house even if it has a mouse, and I will love you here or there. I promise to love you anywhere (with apologies to Seuss)."
45. "You are the love of my life and I choo-choo-choose you."
Funny wedding vows about food
46. "You're the french fries in my chocolate shake."
47. "I promise to buy you takeout for dinner every night because I love you too much to allow you to fall victim to my cooking."
48. "I love you more than I love Nutella."
Funny pop culture wedding vows
49. "I promise to listen to "Hamilton" with you about a million times, but I am not giving away my ... shot."
50. "I’m going to love you as Kanye loves Kanye for better or worst."
51. "As Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston promised each other, 'I vow to split the difference on the thermostat.'"
52. "I promise not to watch the next episode without you."
53. "Instead of saying 'till death do us part' try using 'to infinity and beyond.'"
54. "In sickness and in health includes streaming binges."
55. "I love you like the musical Cats. Now and forever."
56. "You are the one I want to binge-watch Netflix with forever."
Tamara Sanon is a writer with a passion for covering topics about health and wellness, lifestyle, astrology, and relationships.