5 Big Warnings For Men Who Are Attracted To Strong Women
Strong women aren't the type to be controlled or manipulated.
SHOTPRIME | Canva This article is written for men, talking directly to men. Men who have an interest in women (whether heterosexual or bisexual).
Even more specifically, the men who say that they want an independent woman. The men who find powerful, determined women sexy. The men who write on forums that they are looking for women who pay their own way, won’t ‘rinse them’ and have their own careers and minds. The men who find themselves attracted to strong women.
This is written for the men who say they love an intelligent, educated woman because they are ‘feisty’. Ew.
Sound like you? Sound like a man you know?
There are some things you need to know before you go chasing women who have their act together. If you get all the way through this blog and still think you can be a good partner to the ‘strong woman’ you seek — then great stuff, crack on.
However, if this blog makes you uncomfortable or angry, you might want to re-evaluate your choices and consider that you will not make a good partner for a determined woman. You might even want to question whether you are fetishizing women or hoping to control them.
I would hope it goes without saying, but I am proven wrong over and over again online, so here goes:
Many of the points I raise in this blog are relevant to all women. Respect all women. I cannot stress that enough. These ‘strong independent women’ you are interested in aren’t any better than any other woman and they aren’t worth more than any other woman.
Here are 5 big warnings for men who are attracted to strong women:
1. Independent women don’t need you
The most important point that you need to get super comfortable with, super quick, is that the ‘strong, independent woman’ you want doesn’t actually need you for anything. She doesn’t need you to fund her life. She doesn’t need you to rescue her. She doesn’t need to be showered with gifts or compliments. She doesn’t need you to protect her. She doesn’t need you to provide for her.
No, she doesn’t need you. Instead, she is interested in you.
Wanting a partner is different from needing a partner. The women you are interested in don’t need you, because they are already self-sufficient. If you are looking for a woman to fix, rescue, provide for, and control, you need to look at yourself and explore why you want to be a dominator in your relationships instead of an equal.
The ‘strong, independent woman’ you want is looking for an equal contributor in a relationship, not someone who seeks to rescue her or control her.
You need to get comfortable with being wanted but not needed. If you want a relationship in which the woman is reliant on you for everything, the issue lies with you. Anyway, isn’t it the biggest compliment to anyone to be wanted instead of needed?
2. Independent, strong women don’t want to fix you or babysit you
If you are attracted to a woman who has her life together, don’t expect her to drop everything she is doing to babysit you and your life. Equals in a relationship support each other, but they don’t babysit one another. You are a grown man and you need to be independent, too.
Have your own hobbies interests and goals in life. Do your own washing, your own cooking, your own cleaning, your own bill payments. Remember your mom’s birthday all by yourself. Look after the kids. Know where the Christmas decorations are. Book your own hospital appointments. Remember the kid’s parent evenings at school and plays without being reminded seven times.
Similarly, women are not your rehab. Not just the independent, strong women you fancy — any woman at all. Your girlfriend, your mother, your ex, your female friends. None of them are here to fix you and nurture you.
Women are not in the world to fix broken men.
No matter what has happened to you in childhood or in your life, it is not the job of a woman (the old ‘love of a good woman will fix you’ narrative) to repair your broken pieces. Do it yourself, the way women have for millennia.
Don’t seek a relationship in order to fix yourself or to gain a full-time maid and mother. If this section is making you uncomfortable, you might want to explore your own therapy, support, or advice before seeking new relationships. If you recognize that you are currently in a relationship with a strong woman who you have been expecting to fix you or babysit you, stop.
Stop, take a step back, and look at your behavior and attitudes towards yourself and her. Then go and seek help. Like now.
3. Independent women have their own stuff going on that you don’t need to be a part of
The women you seek are likely to have a whole host of goals, priorities, responsibilities, and roles in their lives that you don’t need to be a part of. It’s not that you shouldn’t care about what she is passionate about, but you don’t have to be the center of it all. You don’t have to be included and you don’t have to be the center of her attention all the time.
This is not at all negative. You both still exist as humans in your own right. You don’t have to do everything together. You need to respect each other and what you both care about, but you don’t have to be involved.
Traditionally, men have had these roles and goals for centuries and women were excluded from all of it. It was a social norm that women didn’t accompany men to their meets, their employment, their social events, or their travels.
Globally, there are still many environments and parts of life that women are excluded from because they are perceived as irrelevant or a nuisance to men. However, when a woman does the same thing, it is often seen as the woman not caring about her male partner or being selfish or neglectful to her relationship or marriage.
Think about what I am saying. Are you the bloke that moans that Steve has brought his missus to the pub again, but then guilt trips your girlfriend or wife when she wants to go out alone with her friends or colleagues?
You don’t need to be the center of their world all of the time. You are supposed to be their equal. Go through life together — but that doesn’t mean that she needs to put you at the center of everything she does.
If you have ever said the words ‘You’re supposed to put me above everyone and everything else…’ then you, Sir, have issues with control.
4. Independent, strong women are often feminists, activists, career focussed, or goal-orientated — and you need to be happy with that
This one is important. This one is for all the men who claim they want a ‘strong, independent’ woman but hate feminism, activism, career-focussed and goal-orientated women.
These attitudes are incompatible. Many women find feminism. They start to realize that there is discrimination, oppression, and mockery of intelligent and successful women and they will find their clan. They become more and more critical of the way they are treated in their careers, studies, and lives.
In the words of Dr. Maya Angelou, ‘Of course I am a feminist. I have been a female for a long time now. It’d be stupid not to be on my own side.’
The last thing they need is a man who is uncomfortable with feminism, women’s rights, career focus, and ambition. Especially when that man professed to be attracted to independent, go-getting women.
If anything at all, they need a partner who truly recognizes, admits, and validates their struggle and is by their side when they are belittled, mansplained, discriminated against, and trolled for being brilliant. They don’t need you threatening to kick people’s heads in for them. They need you to listen to them and be there for them when life gets hard.
If you want an ‘independent woman’, you better get with the feminist program and take some time to learn what feminism is, what it means to women and girls, and why it's so much harder for women and girls to make it in their careers, studies, sports, hobbies or passions.
Read books. Listen to podcasts. Learn who her favorite feminists/activists/politicians are. Listen to the issues that affect her.
Not because it will make you attractive to more women, but because you actually want to learn this stuff and care about it. Women can see right through fake-'woke' bros.
If this section is making your skin crawl and you hate the concept of feminism, you’re better off just leaving all women alone, to be honest. Feminism is the movement to liberate all women and girls from global oppression, misogyny, and sexism.
If you can’t get behind that, stay away from women forever.
5. Independent women don’t want to be fetishized as some sort of sexy, domineering anomaly
The final point is about the way ‘strong’, ‘independent’, ‘powerful’, ‘boss’, and ‘ambitious’ women are fetishized.
There are generally two ways this occurs:
1. Men want to dominate, break down, and domesticate women who don't fit the typical gendered expectations for women, or who are successful and independent, as some sort of sick conquest to prove to themselves that they are still the most powerful person in the relationship.
2. Men want these women to dominate them, rule them, control them, and harm them as some sort of submission to strong women as a fetish.
News for you all — both attitudes towards successful women are abusive and unhealthy.
Yet, they are common attitudes towards independent women. Male songwriters and performers of all genres have sung and rapped about domesticating successful women for decades.
The obsession with ‘taming’ and ‘controlling’ women also rolls right through chick-flicks and romance films in which women are usually positioned as high-flying career women who are doing well until some bloke wants to sleep with/date/marry them and then their life falls to pieces whilst the guy does literally everything he can to get what he wants and convinces her to move to Vancouver with him, fix all his life problems, care for his elderly mother and be pregnant forever.
Even the concept of the ‘strong, independent woman’ is baloney, really. The imagery of these women used in music videos, films, media, and books is usually white, middle-class, educated, rich, privileged, thin, beautiful, and stereotypically feminine.
But most ‘strong, independent women’ you will meet will not be from this walk of life.
She will be the teenage mother who raised three kids alone and is now the powerful matriarch who can hold down her household by herself.
She will be the young Black woman who was discriminated against all the way through school, college, and university until she graduated at the top of her class and is now still standing strong in the face of racism and misogyny in her profession.
She will be the young woman who is covered in scars from self-harm and who is now working as a therapist but is constantly up against discrimination because of the perception of her as a victim-turned-expert.
She will be the sixty-year-old butch woman who has spent her life marching to protect women and girls from trafficking, exploitation, and abuse.
She will be the ‘mouthy, outspoken’ young woman arguing about politics online, out-classing everyone who tries to belittle and humiliate her.
She will be the divorced woman in her 30s who has decided to go to university to study the subject she never got to pursue when she was younger; all whilst working 40 hours a week and caring for her family.
These women are not objects to fantasize over and plan how you can make or break them. They are not a woman to be controlled or domesticated by you. They are not your mother. They are not your babysitter. They are not a fetish.
The ‘strong, independent woman’ you want is very likely to argue back, put you in your place when you step out of line, tell you when they aren’t happy, refuse to cook, clean, and baby you, and will more than likely leave you if you try to mold them into the submissive woman they are not.
Women exist in the world. They take up space and they make noise and they change shit up and they challenge you. Their success is theirs. Their hard work is theirs. Their struggle is real. Their effort and time are valuable. Their independence is important to them.
She is not a fetish. She is not an anomaly. Strong women are not a conquest.
So, you think you want a ‘strong independent woman’?
And you’re sure you don’t just want to knock her down and mold her into your wifey?
Can you really be a respectful, equal, supportive man to a woman who has her own stuff going on?
If you truly are attracted to strong, independent women — nothing in this blog will offend you or make you uncomfortable. Remember that.
Quick questions to ask yourself:
- Are you comfortable with her having goals, priorities, and ambitions that don’t include you?
- Are you going to support her when it gets hard or are you going to tell her to quit or ‘tone it down’?
- Are you going to feel emasculated by her?
- Are you comfortable with a woman earning more than you or being more successful than you?
- Are you fetishizing the woman?
- Are you seeking a woman to control, domesticate and tame?
- Are you turned on by her success or power and want her to dominate or harm you?
- Are you uncomfortable with feminism and activism?
- Are you comfortable with her seeking further education and opportunities?
- Are you comfortable with her remaining independent in her roles, spaces, and responsibilities?
Think about your answers. Honestly.
Dr. Jessica Taylor is a psychologist, author, and the founder, and independent specialist researcher for Victim Focus.