I'll Never Understand Why I Still Like You
Even though, deep down, I know I really shouldn't.
Keenan Constance via Unsplash By Skylar Jones
It’s been a while since we parted ways, last spoke, or even saw each other. And yet I still have a soft spot for you. I still like you.
Everyone has told me that my feelings will pass, just like the pain I was feeling after I was left heartbroken. But it hasn’t changed, no matter how many times I reflect on the negative or recognize new warning signs from the past.
Despite all of this, I’m always left wondering: why do I still like you after everything you’ve done? Why do I put you on a pedestal when someone asks me about you?
There’s nothing negative I can say about you to people, because I don’t want to tarnish your name — even though I know I have the material to do so.
Why do I still prioritize you when you do come around? I know you would never do the same for me. Still, time after time I find myself getting ready and walking out the door when my mind is screaming "no."
Why do I miss you? Is there even anything for me to miss about you? From mixed signals, confusing stories, unanswered texts to spells of disappearances, why do I miss you?
You were barely even present before. Whether you were around or not, I was always left doubting myself and wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Why should I miss you when you are barely even a person to me anymore?
Why do I check my phone hoping to see your name pop up? I’m aware that it won’t, nor is there any indication that you’ll reach out anytime soon. But I still hope it happens and wish to see it.
It’s not like you’ll want to start things over or apologize, so what am I even hoping for when I want to hear from you? I guess I just want to believe I mattered to you, and maybe still do?
Why do I keep creating scenarios about you in my head? I know they won’t actually happen, but I find an odd sense of comfort when I have them.
It’s like I still have a piece of you. And that’s satisfying enough — it fulfills whatever my heart is looking for.
Why am I still focused on my false hopes about you in my head? I know the reality. You’re just another guy who hurt me and will only do it again if I allow you back in my life.
I want to think you’ll come to your senses or change, but deep down, I know you won’t. I can’t help myself from pretending you’re better than who you were in the past, but I secretly hope the lies I tell myself are true.
Why do I still want you, even after everything you’ve done to me?
You’ve provoked millions of tears and hours of self-doubt. You’ve diminished my self-worth and confidence, and you truly turned me into a person I didn’t recognize for a long time.
I let you treat me like s*** and allowed it, in hopes you’d change — knowing you wouldn’t. How could anyone willingly want to be with someone who caused all of that pain?
We’ve had our ups and downs — quite frankly, more downs than ups. And we’ve had our moments of intimacy and betrayal.
But nothing would beat the greatness I felt when I was under the illusion that you actually liked me, too. Not even the intense pain I felt when I learned it was all a lie.
I was there, just so you had someone to occupy your time with. But I still can’t forget the occasional feelings of bliss with you.
I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand why I torture myself when it comes to you.
Likewise, I truly think there’s something wrong with me to continuously do this, regardless of how toxic this is to my health. I know I deserve better. And I have the confidence to prove it, I know I do, but I can’t help it when it comes to you.
And I’ll never understand why I still like you.
Skylar Jones is a writer who focuses on relationships, breakups, and love. For more of her relationship content, visit her author profile on Unwritten.