Why Your Best Friend Can't Stand Your Boyfriend (& How To Tell Her Without Ruining Your Friendship)
Friends are forever, guys are whatever.
getty I’ve been the friend who couldn’t stand my best friend’s significant other way too many times to count. It wasn’t because I was jealous of her relationship or felt like she would forget me. It wasn’t because I thought she could do better. Simply, I didn’t trust her judgment when it came to picking men.
I didn’t think she was ready for a relationship. Throughout the years of being best friends, I could tell she had to do a lot of work on herself before getting into a relationship. She had to heal from her past traumas and take time to find herself.
Instead, my best friend decided that being in a relationship would solve all her problems and make her happy.
I completely respected that decision because my best friend is a grown woman. I didn’t have the right to decide whether or not she was ready; my job was to be supportive of her relationship. It was her choice, and all I could do was share my opinion.
It isn’t uncommon for best friends to have differing views, because we are both individuals with our own thoughts and opinions. The key to being a good friend is saying what must be said, respectfully, and allowing them to make the final decision.
I never overtly said I didn’t like her boyfriend, but looking back, I should have. It wasn't like she didn't know how I felt. After all, we’ve been friends for too long for her not to be able to tell.
My dislike for him was all over my face when she spoke about him. And my distaste for him wasn't unfounded.
I didn’t like him because he didn’t treat her right, he didn’t have any goals, and, quite frankly, he wasn't good enough for my best friend.
I know we want the best for our friends. We would never wish heartbreak upon them, but that’s not something we control. Our friends are the ones who choose who they allow into their hearts, so they have a say in who breaks it too.
The type of men we choose to be involved with says a lot about us as individuals. The book, Perks of Being a Wallflower, brilliantly says “we accept the love we deserve.” And it couldn't be more true.
Even though I thought my best friend deserved better, that doesn’t mean she thought she did.
Even though you might not be able to stand your best friend’s boyfriend, you tolerate him. Why? Because you love her.
You cannot allow a man to draw a wedge between you and your BFF. In most cases, friendships tend to last longer than romantic relationships, so don’t allow something temporary to end a lifetime bond.
Out of respect for your friend, you should wish nothing for the best for her and her boyfriend. It can be hard to accept a relationship you don’t approve of, but there are practical ways to deal with it.
1. Have an honest conversation with your best friend.
Tell your best friend why you don’t like her boyfriend when she asks you what you think of him. Don’t do it in a nasty or harsh way, though. If there are any positives about her boyfriend, mention those so she doesn’t think you're being biased or a hater.
Be honest for your sake and hers, no matter how hard it is. Successful friendships are built on honesty. Her knowing that you don’t like her boyfriend will make her mindful of bringing him up in future conversations.
2. Always be cordial around her partner.
Nothing is worse than having your two favorite people not like each other. You not liking your best friend’s man already puts a strain on the relationship. Don’t make it worse by not being able to get along with him.
I’m not saying you have to laugh at his jokes if you don’t find them funny, or follow him on social media; just be nice when you see him. Be courteous enough to greet him and occasionally have small talk. This will allow your best friend to see that you are making an effort.
She’ll appreciate seeing her two favorite people get along. In the ideal world, we all hope to get along with our best friend’s significant other so we can hang out as a group and not have it be awkward.
3. Don’t give unsolicited advice.
This is not your relationship, so if you aren’t asked for advice, don’t give it. You don’t want your best friend to perceive you as a know-it-all in her relationship. Especially if you don’t like her significant other, she’ll be more critical of the advice you give.
If you’re constantly telling her to break up with her boyfriend, she’ll eventually stop talking to you about the relationship altogether. When giving her relationship advice, remove your opinion of her boyfriend. Make sure your advice is based on facts as opposed to opinions.
4. Don’t accuse her man of doing anything without proof.
If you're going to claim that your best friend’s man did something, make sure you have evidence to back it up. You don’t want her to think that the accusations stem from you not liking him. So, if you’re accusing him of cheating, have a photo or text messages as proof.
Imagine how awkward it would be to make such accusations and have your best friend think you’re telling a lie, or that you only want to sabotage her relationship. No one wants to be friends with someone they believe is trying to sabotage their relationship.
So, be careful with such allegations, because if you aren’t, you might lose your best friend.
5. Don’t rub it in her face that you're right.
If your best friend and boyfriend end up breaking up, don’t make her feel bad about it. It’s not the time for you to say, “I told you so,” or, “You should’ve listened to me.” Just comfort her and allow her to tell you how she feels, without judgment.
Don’t fault her for giving someone a chance and it not working out. She’ll get better. Heartbreak doesn’t last forever. If she expresses that she regrets dating him, and wishes she listened to you, let her know that she can’t change the past. Overall, try your best to not make her feel guilty.
Tamara Sanon is a writer with a passion for covering topics about health and wellness, lifestyle, astrology, and relationships.