I'm Embarrassed That I Believed You Actually Cared About Me
I was too blind to see that you really didn't.
Kevin Laminto via Unsplash By Brittany Christopoulos
I’m an independent and mature woman who doesn’t need a relationship to define her or make her feel fulfilled. However, you caused a sense of weakness in me that I can’t stand.
I thought you cared about me just as much, but I was wrong.
There was a time when I valued you so highly, cherished you dearly, was protective over you, and devoted my free time to you. We shared a lot of great memories and new experiences as we grew up together, through the ups and downs of everything we’ve gone through.
But then everything changed. And I felt like the rug got pulled out from under me.
There was a time I thought you actually cared about me, but you clearly didn’t. And I was just too blind to see it.
I wanted to take the high road on my journey of getting over you, but it’s been a grueling one. I’ve come to realize that I need to get mad.
I need to vocalize my hatred and anger towards you and for what you did to me. I’ve avoided this phase for too long. But now I’m in a space where I finally feel okay to bash you, even though it still hurts me to say it.
The confusion has clouded my head for far too long, wondering if you actually cared at all about me or if you were faking it. Maybe I was a temporary fix, or at a point, you really did enjoy my company.
But I can’t tell anymore and I don’t deserve to be left second-guessing. I wish I understood why you screwed me over when I gave nothing but my best to you — but I never will, even if I got an explanation.
I know for a fact that I inflated your ego. Moreover, I know that you continuously used me to help you feel better when you were down.
Where was the same support for me? Instead, you just knocked me further while I was already down.
Your version of happiness doesn’t involve me, and I’m now okay with that. You’re settling with whatever you have in your life, because you are too lazy to actually work towards something.
I understand you have low standards. And in the long run, I’m happy I recognize that I’m really too good for you.
I feel like a freaking fool for trusting you with my darkest secrets and vulnerability. It felt comforting in the moment to reach out to you and spill my guts.
But now it feels like you have leverage over me — even though I know you’d never use it. It’s just the fact that you know about things that I never share with people - no people besides you.
I know my pain is only temporary and that this too shall pass. I also know that I’ll be the one with a happy ending in the long run, even if it’s not with you.
I’ll have someone who accepts my love and reciprocates it equally; someone who’s actually proud to have me. And they won’t ever make me wonder if they cared about me. I will come out victorious in the long run, instead of feeling like a failure.
Now that I’ve gotten these horrible, pent up feelings off of my chest, I’m doing fine. I don’t need to see your name on my phone anymore or to talk to my friends about you for the millionth time.
And sure, when I mean “fine,” I’m totally saying it how Ross did in that episode of Friends when he was actually devastated. But now I know I’ll be okay one day, whether I’m on my own or with someone who actually values me.
I’m proud to be walking away from you for good, because I care about myself. You should learn how to do the same.
Brittany Christopoulos is a writer who focuses on relationships, dating, and love. For more of her relationship content, visit her Twitter page.