How To Deal With Jealousy & Anger When You Can't Stop Thinking About Your Partner's Exes
Stop obsessing over their exes!
frankie cordoba on Unsplash The ex boyfriends or girlfriends of our current partner; It's something we never want to think about, yet it always ends up popping up in our heads. To me, there's this unspoken pressure of making sure you're a better partner than the ex was.
You may compare yourself to their ex at times, but I'm here to tell you to stop doing that. Your partner has exed that person out of their love life and made space in their heart for you instead.
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Depending on what you've heard about the ex or seen of them, you probably can't stand them. After all, they did date the person you're with (and are no longer with them for some reason)!
It sucks thinking about your partner's relationships before you, but it's important to remember that it's all in the past. Your partner has experienced things in each past relationship that have made him/her the incredible lover they are for you today.
It's important to not get caught up in thinking about the exes. It may start to negatively affect your relationship and get in the way of the connection you have with your partner. Psychology Today makes a good point in one of their articles about exes. The article says, "When you invest yourself in the belief that your partner’s ex is better than you or that the ex has an agenda to reunite with your partner, there’s no stopping the depths into which you can sink yourself, your partner, and your relationship."
If you find yourself feeling some type of way, and you can't stop obsessing over your partner's exes or their past relationships, remember these 3 important things:
1. They are exes for a reason.
The #1 thing to remember if you can't stand the thought of your partner's exes is: They are his exes for a reason. If he wanted to be with the ex, they would have never become an ex. Your partner chooses YOU. That fact alone is worth so much!
Try to look at the ex as a blessing because the end of that relationship led him/her to you. Your partner learned from their mistakes and learned about what they want and don't want in a partner through their ex. The fact that they're dating you shows you're more of what they're looking for in a lover than their ex was. Don't let the thought of past lovers intimidate you.
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2. Be honest and open with your partner about what's bothering you (and why).
If something is bothering you, the best thing to always do is speak up about it. When we bottle up our feelings and hold them in, our minds tend to start blowing things out of proportion. For example, your brain will start to overthink things and you'll feel like a situation is way worse than it actually is.
Letting your partner know how you feel will not only ease your worries, but it will also open up some great communication between the two of you. Sharing your feelings helps you better understand each other and it will bring you closer together.
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3. Focus on YOUR relationship, not theirs.
Do exactly what your partner did a long time ago: let his/her exes go. Make them vanish from your brain once and for all! Once you let go of the thought of your lover dating people before you, you can finally focus on the relationship you share together now. The exes are his past, while you're his present and future.
You've heard all your life that it's unhealthy to hold onto the past. That mentality applies to not only holding onto your past, but your partner's past too. Nothing good can come from obsessing over their exes. It will only cause unnecessary drama and fights in your relationship.
Also, if you're worried and feel like the ex wants to get back with your partner, you'll be helping them out without realizing it. Being insecure and thinking about the exes will only cause you to push your partner away. They've already closed that chapter in their life, don't continuously force them to reopen it.
Lauren Margolis is a writer who covers astrology, pop culture, entertainment news and relationship topics.