I Don't Want Kids: Don't Tell Me I Will Change My Mind
Lets not tell people what they will and wont do.
wavebreakmedia / Shutterstock I do not want kids. I can’t picture myself waking up at 3 am to the sound of a screaming baby and have to change a diaper. I can’t picture myself in a department store with little kids running around trying to pick out the first day of school outfit. I can’t picture myself talking to a 13-year-old kid about their blooming and the effect it could have on their future.
Hell, I check my purse seven times for my keys when I leave the car and still manage to lock the keys in there. Imagine how many times I would have to check my purse for a baby.
I haven’t always felt this way. I come from a big family. I have four brothers, so as a kid I used to picture myself with a large family. I used to want to have more kids than anyone else in my class.
Part of that is because I am super competitive and I wanted to shove it in the faces of all the kids in my class who thought that one or two was a suitable number of offspring.
Part of it was probably also that I was never alone as a child, and perhaps I was a little afraid of being alone. I figured having kids was like having built-in company all of the time.
Partly also because I think because that's how we talk to little girls. We say "one day when you're a mom," or we say "how many kids are you going to have?"
When you're a little girl people assume you are going to grow up into a mother. So that's what I did. I assumed I would grow up into someone's mother. But things change.
Here I am a fully functioning (eh almost fully functioning) who has made up her mind. I do not want kids. A lot of times I will tell this to people and they are very surprised. They say things like, “I assumed that you would want to be a mom, you’re naturally a very nurturing person.” Or they will say things like “Oh girl, you’re missing out.”
But my least favorite response is “You’re still young. You’ll change your mind when you’re older.”
This is just plain rude. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, and maybe it's not, but for the sake of commiserating or self-betterment, I will continue. It IS very annoying.
What saying something like that tells me is that you under-value my thoughts and ideas.
Telling me that I'll change my mind about having children when I'm older is like telling me I don’t understand what it means to be a woman in the world — and when I finally do, my mind will change.
It is telling me that I may have a grasp on who I am right now, but one day I'll realize that who I am right now isn’t good enough. One day I'll change my selfish ways.
I know who I am. I am a woman who enjoys a cocktail in the evenings. I am a woman who finds her inner stillness and calm when she is reading quietly. I am a woman who doesn’t like it when other people rely on her for their emotional support. I am a woman who likes to have complete control over her life and not only values but desperately relies on her independence.
None of this sounds particularly maternal.
One thing I will concede is that things can and do change.
I could have a near-death experience tomorrow and see the light and realize that I have been living my life all wrong. I could wake up tomorrow morning and say, now I want kids. I very well could change my mind, but if I do, it will be because I made the decision to.
Not because someone else said I would. I doubt it will happen, but that’s not what we are arguing today.
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It is not my duty as a woman to have children. If I never have the desire to have kids, that doesn’t make me any less of a woman.
I am a strong, smart, independent person that has a lot more to offer this world than my womb.
I have a lot I want from this world too, and one of those things is not to start a college fund for a stranger I haven’t made yet.
I don’t want to have children. This is not a phrase that lives on my tongue, but when asked I say it with a firm, casual voice. Feel free to ask me to explain me. I invite the inquiry. Feel free to ask me if I think I’ll change my mind.
Get into my brain and see how it works if you want to. But don’t dismiss my opinion and tell me what I want or don’t want or will want or won’t want. Listen if you’re curious and I’ll take care of the rest.
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Kaitlin Kaiser is a writer who covers astrology, pop culture, and relationship topics. Follow her on Facebook.