5 Relationship Expectations To Give Up If You Want To Be Happy
Expectations lead to disappointment.
Ground Picture / ShutterstockThe word expectation means “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.”
Our expectations are one of the most common reasons for disappointment.
The expectations that we have are based on our individual point of view which is formed by past experiences, failures, achievements, pain, happy moments, and all the things that we have been through.
In other words, expectations are our ideas and wishes about the future based on what we’ve lived in the past. And it turns out that most of us think that all people see things the same way and that’s why we expect others to have identical dreams or plans.
Unsurprisingly oftentimes these imaginative ideas take us out of the real situation and become a reason for disappointment. This is normal since we expect certain things from people who are far from what we want or are looking for.
Another problem could be that we expect from people things beyond their powers. Such unrealistic expectations are another common reason for disappointment and usually lead to the falling apart of relationships that could have lasted.
“When we don’t manage expectations, not only does this set ourselves up for the potential to misinterpret or respond negatively to our partner potentially creating conflict where there was originally no problem but [it] also can create emotional distress for yourself," Dr. Danielle Forshee, doctor of psychology and licensed clinical social worker told Bustle.
It turns out that not having too high expectations could be crucial for the success of a relationship. But, how can we know what is acceptable to expect and what is not?
How much is too much and doesn’t this depend on the individual tolerance of each of us?
Although expectations are strictly personal matters experts claim that there are some things that generally are not to be required from our partners, colleagues, or friends.
So, here are 5 things we don’t have the right to expect from others when in a relationship if we want to be happy:
1. Perfection
Oftentimes at the beginning of a relationship, we see the other person through rose-colored glasses and feel disappointed when it turns out they are not as perfect as we’ve imagined. Here is the opinion of David Bennet, counselor and relationship expert at Double Trust Dating, which he shared with Bustle.
“Many clients I work with got into relationships very quickly and didn’t know a lot about their partners, so they ‘filled in the blanks about them with all kinds of positive things. When you’re in ‘new relationship mode,’ your brain assumes the best about the person, and asks questions later.”
At that moment it’s very important not to try to impose our high expectations on them but to give the relationship enough time to follow its course and see how far you can get with this person.
2. Spending all their free time with you
As the relationship becomes more serious, you’ll probably want and expect to be with your partner or friend more often. However, depriving the other person of their personal space and trying to occupy their whole free time could destroy the relationship. You shouldn’t be expecting them to spend all their free time with you.
“One of the reasons you were likely attracted to this person in the first place is they had a fun full life,” licensed marriage and family therapist Irene Schreiner said to Bustle. “You can’t expect them to drop all of their other interests in favor of you now just because you are dating.”
Remember, it’s our interests that make us the people we are so you should be respectful of the interests of your partner and support him or her, not the other way around.
3. Being very close to you from the beginning
Whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship, being serious about it is the most important thing for it to last. However, becoming really close with the other person takes some time and we shouldn’t expect it from the very beginning.
“While dating should be fun, it is also an evaluation process (one that takes longer than most dating reality shows),” Schreiner says. “Each person may move differently through that evaluation. Don’t get impatient if they aren’t ready to be committed right away.”
4. A flawless relationship
According to the opinion of Dr. Dan Wile published in an article by John Gottman, Ph.D. on the website The Gottman Institute, “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems.”
The truth is that no matter how much we love and respect our partner or friend there will always be things that we are not going to agree upon. So we shouldn’t expect them always to be on our side otherwise we might put the relationship at risk.
5. Your partner or friend could solve all your problems
It’s totally unrealistic to expect others to be able or willing to solve all our problems. We shouldn’t also rely entirely on our relationship if we want to become better people — this is an individual choice and process.
“If you think being in a relationship with your new partner will solve your problems, you have too high of expectations,” David Bennet, counselor, and relationship expert at Double Trust Dating said to Bustle.
Many more things could be said about expectations and disappointment but the most important of all is not to require unrealistic things from others if you want to have a happy relationship (no matter if it’s romantic or not) with someone.
What’s more, we shouldn’t try to change people. After all, if we cannot accept someone’s true personality they are just not for us. As Donald Miller writes in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life: “When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”
Maria Hakki is a writer who focuses on love and relationship problems.