5 Non-Negotiable Traits Single Parents Should Look For Before Falling In Love With Someone New
And how to make sure your date has them.
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There are only two things in life that are constant: change, and the fact that dating is hard.
It’s become increasingly simple to meet new people thanks to dating apps, online dating websites, social media, and — for the brave ones out there — meeting people in person.
However, simplicity can be deceiving.
Despite all of these new ways to make connections, it seems that finding — and falling in love with — that special someone is harder than ever. As explained by the paradox of choice, while it might seem relieving to know that there are multiple ways you can meet “The One,” this might actually make it harder to find “The Right One.”
Add kids to the mix and dating becomes even more complicated!
Single parents venturing into the dating world have more than their own personal lives on the line — the lives of their children are also a priority. Whenever you’re on a date with someone new, you may be wondering how compatible that person will be with your kids.
Dating as a single parent is by no means impossible, though.
In fact, you have the advantage of cutting potential duds from your dating pool quicker than someone who isn’t a parent, because you’re less likely to put up with someone whose personality traits and lifestyle don’t live up to your expectations and those of your family — not to mention reverse phone lookups and people search sites that’ll help ease your mind before embarking on a first date.
“The best way a single parent can know if someone is a good match for them is by knowing what qualities you want in another person,” said Certified Divorce Coach and Mediator Laura Miolla.
So what should you look for when dating as a single parent?
1. Someone who is okay with taking it slow.
When you’re a single person without kids, it's much easier and less damaging to throw all caution to the wind when it comes to dating someone new. While all daters should be cautious of their safety, single parents are not only worried about their own well-being but also that of their kids.
For single parents, someone who is in a rush to take a relationship further probably isn’t the one. Jed Diamond, a licensed psychotherapist and Founder and Director of the Men Alive health program, suggests all daters progress through the seven stages of relationships, from acquaintanceship through to spiritual life partners.
“Most people skip stages and go too fast,” said Dr. Diamond. However, he advised that “too much is at risk with kids. Go slow, get honest, listen deeply, and get support from a good counselor.”
Single parents should also be mindful of the appropriate timing for introducing a date to children.
“Please don't introduce anyone to your children until you've been in a great relationship for at least 6 months to a year,” warned Miolla. That’s not only for your children’s physical safety but for their emotional well-being also. “You don't want your children to make an investment in this relationship when they don't have any control over how long it might last.”
2. Someone who is honest.
This one is a no-brainer — we all want someone who is honest. As a single parent, however, it’s even more imperative that the person you’re dating is completely upfront about everything, for the sake of your kids.
“There are plenty of people who will tell you what you want to hear, all in an effort to control and manipulate you,” explained Miolla.
Of course, we’d all love to be able to take people at their word. Unfortunately, that’s not always possible.
If you’re experiencing any doubt about the person you’re dating but they seem to check all of your boxes at the outset, a reverse phone lookup or people search can help provide peace of mind.
“It's a valuable tool for making sure your date is on the up and up with what they are telling you,” said Miolla.
3. Someone who is family-oriented.
Single parents need someone who not only accepts but also genuinely likes kids. Anyone can say they like kids, but a good way to gauge a person’s feelings toward the family bond is by learning about their own familial relationships.
“When my wife and I first met, she had three kids. The second question she asked was ‘what was your relationship with your father like?’ He left when I was five, I told her,” said Dr. Diamond. “She looked concerned and asked if I'd done any work on myself to deal with my family father wound. I told her I had. She gave me a hug,” he continued.
A broken relationship with their family isn’t exactly a deal breaker, as long as your date demonstrates that they’ve done the work to overcome any past trauma.
The first step in learning about a person’s family background is as simple as asking the right questions.
Dr. Diamond suggested asking, “on a scale of 1-10 how happy was your parents' marriage?” and “How well did you get along with your father, your mother, your siblings?” You can also do a people search to find out more about a person’s family history.
4. Someone who is self-confident
Many people venture into the dating world looking for someone to make them happy. However, healthy relationships are made up of two people who are happy with themselves and their lives as is and are only looking for someone to help complement that.
A person who lacks self-confidence will ultimately look to you to fulfill that need. “It's important that a potential date isn't needy and that they can share you with your kids,” said Certified Life Coach Mitzi Bockmann.
5. Someone who is self-sufficient
Chances are you’re on the dating scene to find a partner, not another kid. So, much like being self-confident, it’s imperative to make sure a potential date is “someone who has been successful,” as that is “someone who is comfortable in the world and won't need you to take care of them,” according to Bockmann.
That may not mean someone who’s the CEO of their company and pulling in a six-figure salary, but rather someone who has had success in life in general and can keep themselves afloat.
"Someone who is not employed might become reliant on you, both financially and emotionally, and you certainly don't want that,” said Bockmann, so even doing a Google search for a date’s LinkedIn or people finder can help you learn more about the person’s background and can help save you valuable time.
Dating as a single parent is challenging, yes — but not impossible. The right person is out there for you and your kids, and by utilizing the valuable online tools like the people search and reverse phone number lookup that Intelius offers, you can learn more about potential dates along with knowing exactly what you (and your kids) should look for in a date.
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