How To Tell If You've Fallen Out Of Love Because Of Your Depression (Or If You're Simply Just No Longer In Love)
It can be hard to tell.
getty Is my misery affecting the relationship, or is the relationship affecting my misery?
Am I depressed because of my partner, or because of my childhood?
Is it because of what my partner said last week, or what happened to me last month?
The similarities of the same question vary quite a lot. This is a problem that can be helped and possibly solved if you’re able to catch your thoughts before your feelings overcome you.
Let’s deal into this with a different question in mind:
What came first, the depression or the significant other?
What we know for sure is that depression can and does play with your emotions and feelings. An example: You can love an activity at one point, and then not be interested in it at all the next. This can last days, weeks and even be a bother in your life for a long time — hobbies, foods, sleep and yes, people too.
If the depression came first, as to say you already had it before your relationship, then surely it can’t be your partner’s fault. No matter how charming, sweet and great he or she may (or not) be, what your partner could have done is induce or diminish your depression.
It’s hard to tell which side he or she might be on. It really depends on how you two are doing, and most importantly, how long you’ve been together.
What is special about this sort of complication is that you can more often than not figure out if it’s your partner or even a close friend that is troubling you, or some other person(s) by simply pondering on your life experiences.
The hard part is doing something about it after figuring it out.
You remember valuable and extreme experiences. This is in fact how and why people change. Change is not always a path forward, a path that we choose or a path that we want.
If the significant other came first, and then you started falling out of love even though he or she has done nothing wrong, I would presume depression was born from the time you’ve been together. It doesn’t necessarily have to mean that they caused it. It just means that while you two were together, something(s) have happened to bring about this depression that you’re feeling.
Your partner could have been not at fault, a spark to a fire, or the fuel to start it. They may have reminded you of something that you want no thought of. It could also be a complete coincidence, and it was something else that triggered your emotions.
What usually happens at this point is the ‘blame game’, or as a way to cope you will make them carry luggage that belongs to you. Which is fine, until you start handing them packages they never asked or aren’t ready for.
At this point there’s another question to ask yourself:
When you seriously think about losing your partner, breaking up, them being with someone else, etc… What do you feel?
What we’re doing is confronting and questioning depression itself to find out if it’s depression talking, or love. I’m sure you’ve heard of the saying ‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’, and that’s what we’re trying to figure out.
Finally, if you still feel absolutely no love for your partner and he or she hasn’t done anything wrong, they’re there for you, they love you, and at one point you loved back, then I would say that you’ve just fell out of love.
It happens. Sometimes not righteously, sometimes for other reasons.
I know a couple that were married for 10 years without issues, as far as they publicly stated. They decided to part ways very civilized. They still remained friends because — and this is crucial— they both fell out of love with each other.
If you feel a spark when you think of them being gone, and they’re super great, always by your side, you feel that you do love but something is shadowing or compressing it — It could be that depression making you question yourself.
Now, this doesn’t mean it has to be the end. If it’s depression that’s in the way you could just need to see a doctor to help you out further to find out how severe it might be.
I don’t recommend any final actions until you’re completely sure of whatever it is you want to figure out. Don’t take your partner for granted. Don’t blame them in hope of being able to point a finger at them so that you can relate your issues to them, because you haven’t been able to figure out why you’re the way you are.
If you know your partner is precious and good to you, do what’s right, get help if need be. If not for you, for them.
Ruban F. Ribeiro is a writer who focuses on helping you better yourself. Read more of his writing on Medium and follow him on Instagram.