7 Hidden Signs Someone Is Really Insecure
It doesn’t always look like low self-esteem.
ad-foto / Shutterstock Most of us are aware of the classic signs of being insecure. Constantly needing validation from others, hiding behind makeup, and fearful body language are just a few dead giveaways that someone is insecure in who they are.
However, sometimes insecurities show up in a way that is harder to diagnose as insecurity.
Here are 7 hidden signs someone is really insecure:
1. Anxiety
It’s amazing how many people talk about anxiety when what they really mean is a lack of coping mechanisms.
“Love anxious,” to be fair, is the term for people who are insecure in love, and who maintain a state of constant worry in a relationship. They tend to crave others, are often worried about whether or not their partner loves them back, and freak out when you don’t text them back after 5 minutes. They may also be jealous and accuse you of infidelity.
The wrong “fix” you ask of others: “Reassure me!”
The actual fix from you: Reassure yourself. Build your own self-esteem.
Disclaimer: there is actual, clinical anxiety. For real. This is not what most people have when they use the word “anxiety,” however.
2. Fake Love
That feeling is not love, my child. It’s attachment, and attachment is unhealthy.
It’s a very human tendency, to be fair, but clinging to things is also the root of pretty much all of our struggles, from frustrations to anxiety, from anger to sadness, from grief to worry.
The wrong “fix” you ask of others: “Just ‘love’ me more!”
The actual fix, from you: Loosen up on your death grip, sweetheart. Let go.
3. Perfectionism
Life is imperfect. Everything is impermanent. Your pursuit of “perfectionism” is just procrastination and insecurity and illogical standards that don’t exist.
The wrong “fix” you ask of others: “Reassure me I’m perfect.”
The actual fix, from you: understand and accept that there is no perfect.
4. Imperfection
Child, everyone has flaws.
I used to own a women’s clothing company, and if there’s one thing I learned about women and their body image, it was this: every single woman — even the petite size 00 — wishes her belly was just a little flatter.
If you choose to chase a flat belly, you are actively choosing disappointment and unhappiness. The solution isn’t in getting a flat belly. The solution is loving yourself for more important — and reasonable — things.
One of my favorite clients was a woman with a totally normal body. She was 5'10" and not overweight but by no means “skinny,” with generous hips and thighs — as well as the very human curves of love handles and an abdomen.
“I absolutely love my body.” She told me. “It is very good to me, and it is womanly.”
She had one of the best body images of any client I worked with (and I worked with several of “Those Girls” other girls envy, like Instagram models, fashion bloggers, and petite 00s.) She had her stuff together.
The wrong “fix” you ask of others: “Tell me I’m not flawed!”
The actual fix, from you: Understand that you are, and accept yourself with love.
5. People-pleasing
The incessant compulsion to be “liked.”
Look, this is fruitless, and will only end in sadness. Because there is no universe where any person is liked by every other person. Even Mother Theresa had critics, and last I checked you aren’t Mother Theresa. The only person who needs to like you is you, and you haven’t even managed that.
The wrong “fix” you ask of others: “Like me!”
The actual fix, from you: Like yourself.
6. Demands
Lol, especially when the demands are for big words like “acceptance.” The big word you want from us — the one you tether and bind up in “love” — but outright refuse to give yourself.
The wrong “fix” you ask of others: “Accept me.”
The actual fix, from you: Accept yourself.
7. Helplessness or blaming
Expecting anyone else in your life to resolve your insecurities — or your insecurities by another name — is the opposite of what you should be doing.
You alone are responsible — for seeing things for what they are and resolving them.
Kris Gage is a contributor to Yourtango who writes on mental health and happiness.