My Boyfriend Recorded Me Masturbating And Posted It Online As Revenge Porn
It was devastating.
courtesy of the author I never once thought I’d be one of those girls — the ones you see online and feel badly for, who send their boyfriends nude photos in confidence only to be exploited.
I thought I knew the man I was dating, but I was wrong.
It’s easier to remember my experience like it’s not my own memory, as if it happened to someone else. I used to feel an intense fiery rage whenever I thought of him and what he did to me, but it's slowly shifted from anger to sadness.
I’m not exactly sure when he recorded me masturbating but I remember vividly the day I found out.
I had masturbated in front of him a few times. For most men, it’s a huge turn-on and I enjoyed including it in our sex life.
One evening, we were watching television together and he kept looking at something on his phone.
Photo: Author
I'm a very affectionate person so I crawled across the couch toward him. He immediately hid whatever he was looking at. I felt strange about it and asked him what he was hiding. I kept asking him to show me his phone but he wouldn't.
I felt angry and suspicious, so I got up and went into another room.
I thought he was cheating on me and talking to other women. He followed me into the room and I threatened to leave him because I didn’t want to be with someone who was cheating.
It was then that he showed me his phone and said, “Don’t be too upset.” It was a video of a woman masturbating. You could only see her vagina on the screen. But when the camera moved I saw a tattoo — my tattoo!
I quickly realized what he was showing me. He had uploaded a video of me masturbating to a well-known website. I was in shock. Someone I had completely trusted, opened myself up to, and shared my secrets with, had betrayed me.
Have you ever watched an action movie where there's a sudden explosion and for a moment the character you're watching on-screen can't hear or see?
That's how that moment felt.
Like I had just witnessed an explosion and my ears couldn't stop ringing. Like I was trying to get a sense of my surroundings but I couldn't familiarize myself. I was heartbroken. I felt stupid and naive.
When I asked him why he would do such a grotesque thing, he said he thought he could make money from it and that no one would know it was me. The fact that he thought he could secretly use me to make money sickened me.
Still, I stayed with him for a month afterward — thirty whole days of me feeling betrayed and angry, trying to make sense of it all and trying to make it work. I've never been good with goodbyes; I've always been better with hello.
I felt like leaving the relationship was like taking the entire last year of our relationship and dumping it in the trash.
I wanted to cling onto any sign that being with him wasn't a complete waste. But every time he tried to kiss me after that, I pictured that day in my mind and relived the betrayal. Finally, I just couldn't do it anymore.
There was no long drawn out good-bye. I packed what I could and had my mother pick up the rest.
Since then, the video has been removed from the site and a restraining order has been put in place against my ex. I felt alone and helpless, a feeling I never want to feel ever again.
Two weeks after I had moved back in with my mom, I began reaching out to other women who had similar experiences.
Most had trustingly shared pictures or videos with a lover, only to have them posted online, allowing the entire world to take part in what was supposed to be a very private experience. It helped me to see I wasn't alone.
Here's what a few of them had to say about their revenge porn experience:
“My husband and I were together for 25 years. Throughout our marriage, whenever I wanted to spice things up I’d send him a naughty picture. I thought I was safe in doing so because we had been together forever. One night I found pictures of other women on his phone and a while after that we separated. He then sent my photos to friends and family, even sending it to some of my co-workers. I couldn't believe the man I had loved for 25 years would do such a thing. I was devastated.” —Joanne R, 45
“Especially now, people flirt all the time by sexting through social media. I had been sexting my then-boyfriend and didn't know he would be able to save my pictures, but I guess he took screenshots on hi phone. After we broke up, he sent them to all of his guy friends and it went viral throughout my school. I had a lot of girls calling me a slut or a whore. I know I’m not the only one who’s sexted using pictures, but people don’t care and will still bully you anyway.” — Samantha P, 18
If you’ve gone through anything like this or sent nudes to a significant other, you’re not alone.
In the age of technology, remember: anything can be shared and has the potential to affect future relationships and careers.
Photo: Author
I’m not saying don’t ever sext your partner, just think twice about what you’re sending. Revenge porn is a real thing. It’s a form of sexual abuse.
To protect yourself, though, here are a few things you should know:
- If you took a selfie, you legally own that picture. Even if you gave it to another person through email, text or physically handing it to them, it’s yours.
- If someone has harmfully shared pictures or videos of you without your consent, you can and should contact authorities. It is illegal for another person to harmfully share your images.
- If you're being threatened in anyway by email, text or voicemail save it, print it and keep it for proof.
It happened to me and it hurt like hell. I felt ashamed, vulnerable and angry.
The good news is I’m still here, life’s not over, and I’ve even begun to trust a man again (a new one, of course). As women, we’ve got to stick together and love ourselves first.
Carlee Lloyd's writing has covered a variety of topics but tends to focus on sex, dating, sex-education, relationships and lifestyle. She enjoys working on the more taboo topics that others shy away from. Her work has been published both online and in print, and she is always looking for new opportunities to share her craft.