The Critical Info You Must Know About Each Of The 5 Love Languages
Knowing your (and your partner's) love language will transform your relationship.
G-Stock Studio / Shutterstock I love writing about love, I find it a fascinating yet complicated topic.
There are 5 love languages, do you know your love language? How do you love? How do you express your love? How do you know when someone loves you? And what makes you feel loved?
The problem with many relationships nowadays is that they expect their significant other to love them a certain way and do certain things, but the reality is that everyone generally has their own primary love languages for receiving love and giving love. It may be the same for giving/receiving, and it may be different.
The concept of "5 love languages" was developed by Gary Chapman the author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, he wrote how love languages can help you and your partner love and understand each other better.
I have read the book and it explains to you that there are five love languages — five ways that people speak and understand love. Here’s everything you need to know what each of the love languages means:
1. Words of Affirmation
This language is all about expressing your love with words.
If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. If this is your partner’s love language, they may appreciate a nice gift, a favor, and a hug, but what he or she really wants is to hear or read how much you care.
Whether expressed vocally, in a letter, love notes, or a text message, words mean a lot. Words of affirmation can build a meaningful basis of love for some people. Words are important to everyone, yet for people with this love language, they are that much more important — they are essential for their emotional needs.
One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up and express your feelings.
- I love you
- You did an excellent job
- I look forward to waking up with you every day.
- I love being in love with you.
- Thank you for always being there for me.
- I love your smile
- You are simply gorgeous/handsome.
- Thinking of you makes me smile.
- You mean the world to me.
- You’re doing great—don’t give up.
- You look amazing today
Phrases like these can go a long way, but make sure to keep your words true and really mean what you say. Don’t give fake compliments or exaggerate the truth to make your partner feel good. Words people deeply value words and we can hurt them more with false sincerity.
For words of affirmation to have any impact, it’s necessary to put time, thought, and love, into them. Insults also have a massive impact on those whose love language is words of affirmation, the choice of words and tone of certain words easily hurt them.
This is one of the love languages I use to express my significant other my love, I express my feelings by the way I communicate.
2. Acts of Service
For some of us, actions speak louder than words.
For someone whose primary love language is Acts of Service, you may give him or her words of affirmation, but they are thinking, “Cut the talk. If you love me, do something around here”. For us, “to love us is to do things for us.” It is doing things for us that you know that we would like.
People that love with this language show their love by volunteering to do things like a chore, a massage, or making dinner. Acts of Service love language is all about making the person feel loved by helping them in any way that you can. This is what your partner whose love language is acts of service wants to hear from you, "how can I help you?" or "What can I do?".
Acts of service can be like any of these:
- Clean the kitchen or the bathroom
- Fix things that the other cannot fix
- Carry the groceries
- Cook a special meal that you know he/she likes
- Buy or make lunch and bring it to him/her at work (without being asked)
- Have his work clothes ready for the next day
If this is your partner’s primary love language, they need a helping hand, and nothing speaks as loudly as these acts of service. Acts of service will require time and creativity. You need to show them that you have put effort into what you have done not just doing it because it had to be done.
Dr. Chapman talks about acts of service as an expression of love, acts of service are to be acts of love, they must be freely given.
This is one of the love languages that makes me feel loved, shows me that you care, do things for me. I need action.
3. Receiving Gifts
Gifts are another way to the heart.
The Receiving gifts love language is often misunderstood. Many mistake this love language as selfishness or materialism. For people that have this love language, receiving gifts is a way for them to understand and truly believe that the love is thoughtful and true.
It's not necessarily about spending a lot of money — even little gifts like picking up a few roses from the grocery store or bringing home your partner's favorite wine can speak volumes, the receiver of gifts thrives on the thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift.
Those who speak this language love hearing things like these:
- Honey, I got you this dress because you would look amazing in it.
- Babe, I bought this cologne for you because I would love to smell it on you.
- I got your favorite roses/wine.
- I went to the store and got this watch/necklace for you because I just knew it would look great on you.
People with this love language love to be surprised with gifts at random occasions, and not gifts that they “expect” to receive because it’s their birthday, anniversary, etc.
I mean, yes, they will appreciate anything you get them but the more surprising and meaningful, the more it will be remembered, it just needs to catch them off guard to be precious. The more natural the gift was given (not asked to, or hinted for, or begged), the more appreciative and loved they feel.
Those with this love language need the visible symbols of love to feel the connection between themselves and their partner. They are people that understand love through unspoken physical representations of thoughts. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are loved and cared for.
4. Quality Time
For lovers with this love language, attention is the best gift of all.
Quality time is one of the most demanding love languages. For those of us who have busy schedules, quality time can feel like one of the more high-maintenance love languages. We all live busy lives and it’s hard to spend a lot of time with our significant other.
People with this love language feel most loved when their partner switches into airplane mode and gives them undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there — everything on standby — doing this makes your significant another feel truly special and loved.
Even with busy lives, there are simple ways you can make quality time for your partner a priority — ways you can show him/her that you care, even when it feels like you have no time.
- Plan a romantic getaway
- Take a road trip
- Date night (phones off)
- Take a long walk together
- Spend a night at home playing board games
- Go out for a few drinks
These are just a few examples. You may think quality time is all about spending A LOT of time together or going out and doing a lot of things together. But Quality Time love language actually has very little to do with the actual amount of time together and everything to do with Quality (key word) and how you spend the time you do have together.
5. Physical Touch
This love language is pure and lovely at its core.
Physical touch is straightforward, but in a culture where touch can be misinterpreted on all kinds of levels, it is a misunderstood love language because it has an overly sexualized connotation. Physical touch language isn’t all about sex. I am a Physical Touch person myself, we love to receive love in the form of touch and physical closeness.
Those of us whose primary language is Physical Touch is very touchy. No surprise here. We love physical touch, giving it, and receiving it.
The best way for us to feel loved is to physically connect. We crave physical touch because it’s assuring and make us feel loved and wanted, there’s nothing better than getting a hug after a long, exhausting day. In the times we’re living in, you can’t escape negativity and it’s hard to find joy in the normal. But knowing that you can go home to a warm embrace is invaluable.
These are some ways to speak Physical Touch language:
- Kiss her/him hello/goodbye
- Holding hands
- Give her/him a hug from behind
- Touch her/him gently as you walk past
- Go for a walk and hold hands as you do so
- Get in the shower together and wash her/his back
- A good make-out session,
- Sit next to each other on the couch and touch in some way
- Back rubs
- Gently touches on the arm, shoulder, or face
Sometimes nothing says I love you like thoughtful touches — they can all be ways to show concern, care, and love.
If you haven’t read the book, then you are missing out. I love the Five Love Languages, they are life-changing. It’s a basic human need to love and be loved. It’s what we all want but it can be difficult to achieve. The Love Languages is something I could sit and talk about for hours.
The Five Love Languages is not just for couples, but it can also help you strengthen relationships with your family and friends once you learn what love language they speak.
I love trying to figure out other people, I find myself analyzing everyone around me and trying to figure out what their dominant languages are. Love Languages are an extraordinarily huge and powerful tool.
Okay, so now that I covered all the 5 love languages, you can use your language skills to improve your relationships by simply speaking to your partner or the people around you in the love language they value most and vice versa.
The truth is, everyone has different love languages and that's completely normal. Identifying and understanding your love language will help you navigate every relationship in your life and learning others’ love language will help you speak it “fluently” so you can communicate your love effectively.
Mitzi Hernandez is a relationship writer who specializes in understanding love languages. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.