10 Quietly Devastating Signs You're In Love With The Wrong Person, According To Psychology
When you're with the wrong person, your heart knows long before your mind catches up.
Jaturawit Thumrongkitcharoen | Unsplash Being in love isn’t always a sign you’re in the right relationship. Sometimes, the deepest heartbreak doesn’t come from betrayal or abuse; it comes from slowly realizing that the person you love might not be the person who’s right for you.
Psychology says there are quiet, creeping signs that reveal when love is mismatched or misaligned. We all have our dating doubts, but if you are experiencing any of the following devastating issues, you could be investing time in the wrong person.
Here are the quietly devastating signs you're in love with the wrong person:
1. You don’t feel like you can be yourself
Your friends tell you you’ve changed. You are always watching what you say or how you act because your partner tends to get on your case or has been critical of you in the past.
You just never feel completely relaxed around them, even after dating for a good amount of months. If you can’t be who you truly are with your significant other, it’s time to think hard about what you are doing in a situation like this…and why. No one is worth this much sacrifice.
2. You’re unhappy
StockPhotoDirectors / Shutterstock
While it’s true that our partners aren’t responsible for our happiness, they should certainly make our days a little brighter! Someone who is dating the right person consistently enjoys the relationship and feels a general sense of happiness (arguments aside!). If you find yourself unhappy most of the time — and especially when you are with them — then this may be a sign that this isn’t the best person for you.
Unhappiness in a relationship can be a sign of being with the wrong person due to various factors, including unresolved childhood trauma, low self-esteem, and fear of being alone. These factors can lead individuals to subconsciously choose partners who mirror unhealthy dynamics or reinforce negative self-perceptions. Additionally, a 2019 study found that the fear of being alone can drive people to settle for less than they deserve, overlooking red flags and compromising their standards.
3. You're exhausted after being with them
Instead of feeling energized after hanging out with your partner, you feel emotionally drained most of the time. They seem to always have something to complain about, or just have a negative outlook on life. Either way, the person you choose to spend your life with should lift you rather than drag you down. And it shouldn’t feel like “work” most of the time.
4. You don't want to introduce them to your friends
If you are with someone and don’t want to introduce them to your friends, this is not a good sign (and you should ask yourself why!) If you are with someone and they never bring you around their friends, it’s another sign.
If your most trusted friends are expressing concern about your relationship, take heart. These people may be able to see things more objectively than you, so it’s important to be open and hear what they have to say.
While no definitive study directly links hesitation in introducing a partner to friends as a sole indicator of being in love with the wrong person, research from Tulane University found that it can be a red flag worth considering. The main issue isn't necessarily the lack of love but rather the potential for unhealthy dynamics, hidden agendas, or mismatched values that may indicate the relationship isn't a good fit.
5. You can't envision a future together
After a certain amount of time together, it is normal to start thinking about what the future might be like as a couple. If you have been with your partner for a while and just don’t see how it would ever work together down the line, it might be a good idea to evaluate why you are with this person and what you are looking for.
6. You're like night and day
He loves to go out every night and sleep late. You like to just be home and get an early start. He wants to be together seven nights a week, while you love time with your girlfriends. Compatibility is an essential ingredient for a happy and peaceful union, and if you and your partner have many fundamental differences, it may make things that much harder.
This indicates a mismatch in fundamental needs, values, and goals for a fulfilling and long-lasting relationship. While romantic feelings can be strong, they are insufficient for a healthy partnership. A 2017 study confirmed that compatibility is crucial in ensuring that partners can effectively navigate life together and meet each other's needs.
7. You’re not excited to see or hear from them
fizkes / Shutterstock
She calls you…and you send it to voicemail. Or sometimes you avoid him. You realize that you feel completely ambivalent when you are around him.
Many of us go through the motions and are so afraid to be alone that we stay in situations that aren’t fulfilling. Dating should be fun, exciting, and heartwarming, not another chore. It’s not always going to be sunshine and roses, but you should feel happy to see them most of the time.
8. You don’t feel good about yourself
In addition to feeling happy, a person in a good relationship usually has positive self-esteem. Sure, they will have some doubts and insecurities (who doesn’t?), but the time they spend with their partner will make them feel better about themselves, not worse. In contrast, if your partner exacerbates your self-doubts and undermines your confidence, it’s time to stand up for yourself…and say see ya later!
Feeling bad about yourself, particularly in the presence of a romantic partner, can be a red flag that you might be in love with the wrong person. Research suggests that healthy relationships should foster self-esteem and well-being, not the opposite. If a relationship consistently leads to feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt, it may indicate a mismatch in values or a dynamic that does not serve your emotional needs.
9. You feel the cons of staying together outweigh the pros
A cost-benefit analysis can be helpful in situations other than at the office. Sit down for a few minutes and write down the advantages of staying with your partner.
Then list the disadvantages. When you compare the lists, you will either find that the benefits outweigh any disadvantages, or that reasons to break up are more compelling than the ones to stay together.
10. Your instincts tell you to get out
As a general rule, the voices inside us are there for a reason, and they should be listened to. Don’t ignore the subtle red lights your subconscious is warning you about. Ultimately, our hearts know what is right for us. Give your inner voice free rein and let it direct you to the conclusions that are best for you.
While gut feelings can be a valuable indicator in relationships, they are not always signs of being in love with the wrong person. Intuition is a complex process influenced by various factors, including past experiences, current emotional state, and unconscious biases. A 2016 study explained that it can be a powerful tool for making decisions, but it's also important to consider other aspects and not solely rely on intuition.
Find someone who treats you like you need to be treated and makes you happy. Someone who makes you feel good about yourself, and whom the people you trust encourage you to be with.
eHarmony is an online dating website. They believe you deserve to find love and are committed to assisting singles everywhere in their search to find love and romantic fulfillment.
