26 Men Share Their #1 Relationship Tip, Based On Their Failures In Love
Believe it or not, they want to fall in love again — just like you.
getty We all get our hearts broken at some point while looking for love, and when we do, we tend to look for some greater meaning, some shred of relationship advice we can use on the next go round or pass on to others that will make the feelings of failure and pain of the moment worthwhile in the long run.
When women experience heartbreak, we also look for silver linings anywhere we can find them, and when doing so, it's important to remember that we aren't alone in that endeavor.
Believe it or not, in between sending clever messages like, "Heyyyyy" to random ladies on Tinder and bro-ing down with his friends, your ex-boyfriend probably searched just as hard for meaning in your breakup as you did.
That's right, men have hearts too, and when they experience a failure in the love or when their love is rejected it sucks just as much.
Men and women. Turns out we're all people! Who knew?
I know, this is pretty revolutionary stuff I'm spinning here, but for real, it's important to remember sometimes, especially when you're experiencing one of the more terrifying and un-fun parts of the relationship highway.
The differences between the lessons men and women learn from their romantic bungles aren't as wildly divergent as you might imagine. You know, because of how we are all humans being and what not.
Women tend to feel more comfortable talking about the lessons they have learned about love from their heartbreak because, in general, our society considers it more acceptable for women to talk about their feelings than it is for men to do the same. To be clear, it IS absolutely just as acceptable for men to talk about their emotions as it is for women, but men have been socialized to believe it isn't, and sadly, they still tend to do so less often.
The worst part of this isn't just that it contributes to a culture of toxic masculinity, but rather that we all miss out on learning what the men in our lives consider to be their important life lessons. If we could get more information from men, we might learn a whole lot more about what it's like for a man to go through a breakup, including how he gets past it and allows himself to love again.
If we could just demystify men life would be a truly beautiful thing!
Since we haven't managed to yet, we can turn to the popular Reddit AskMen, where people of all genders go to ask men about anything they feel merits discussion.
On one particularly fascinating thread, a redditor asked, "What lessons have you learnt from your screw-ups in your dating/love life?"
Here are 21 pieces of relationship advice men on Reddit had to offer based on their own personal failures in love.
1. Actions speak louder than words.
"Pay attention to what people do rather than what they say. If someone wants to spend time with you, they'll make it a priority and find the time — and you shouldn't settle for less."
2. Patience is key.
"Be patient. I've lost a few good ones because they wanted to be #1 while I'm building a business. I've been working on this business for 3 years.... do you really think I'll make you my first priority after our first date? lol."
3. You aren't obligated to give someone your heart.
"Just because she's interested in me doesn't mean I have to be interested in her."
4. Trust your instincts.
"That quiet voice telling you that something's not quite right, even if you can't put your finger on what... that voice is smarter than the one coming from your penis."
5. Part ways gracefully.
"People come and go from your life more often than we'd like to think. A lot of the time you won't be ready for them to go. Some times you'll be showing them the door. The biggest thing I've learned is (no matter which the scenario); handle that good bye in the most dignified and graceful way possible."
6. You have to be able to talk.
"Communication is key. I cannot deal with a passive aggressive partner and will nope my way out if I see the signs."
7. Don't try to hide from your problems.
"If a problem can kill the relationship, you have to let it or fix it. Avoiding the problem or pretending it's not there will only make it come up later... much worse."
8. Stop being your own worst enemy.
"Sometimes, you're the problem and not the other person. Stop and think about what you're feeling. Its hard to explain it but it's something like sometimes you're your own worst enemy."
9. Nix the rude phone habits.
"Don't bother with someone who uses their phone frequently on a date."
10. Be strong enough to stand on your own.
"Stand up for yourself and don't get it into your head that you couldn't survive without your partner. If you can't exist as a confident, complete human being on your own, you need to work on that before you get into a relationship."
11. Don't play games.
"You can't start talking to her about your wedding a week after meeting her but you can't act like you're completely uninterested just to make her chase you. It's like Boyz II Men. Not too hard and not too soft."
12. But sometimes, you do have to play games.
"I've learned that playing some mild 'dating games' is actually important in maintaining a relationship. Case in point: I used to text girls back immediately and with great obvious earnest after a date. They'd usually reply very luke warmly or cautiously as a result, and I could feel the attraction dribbling away."
13. Enjoy what you have when you have it.
"A lot of people go in and give advice based on the hopes of entering something that lasts. Who cares if you can't see yourself with her for a year or that she will move on in a few months? Appreciate the time you spend with her now. Go out and try things you've never had, visit cool spots with her, have sex (of course). When its over, big deal... It was fun while it lasted and you'll always learn something from it."
14. Remember that your relationship isn't your life.
"A relationship is supposed to complement your life and you should not depend on it for happiness."
15. Cheating never ends well.
"I didn't cheat until I was 22. Two months into a great relationship, new years, to much to drink, I had two women asking me if I ever had the ol' threesome. Drunk me didn't pass up the opportunity. Fast forward 2 years. This girl is the one, everything is great, until somebody brings that night up to my girlfriend. It changed everything. Everything. We are still together and have 2 kids, but we separated for a year after it and it really hasn't been the same since."
16. We all speak a different love language.
"Everyone expresses and experiences 'love' in different ways. For myself, I like to be independent, doing my own activities, and I don't get jealous easily. This is because I tend to trust and rely on words of affirmation. Others may express love with gifts, or quality time, acts of devotion, or intimacy. So although I enjoy intimacy, quality time together, and gifts, I tend to perceive that someone is devoted to me when they verbally affirm it.
Sometimes when they get distant I assume they've just been busy or going through something instead of jumping to the conclusion that they don't love me anymore. But sometimes they actually are pulling away and I don't even realize it, while thinking it's something else. So this is where I learned my lesson that although I can show love the way I think it should be, others may not receive it the same way; I should figure out the best way to show them love the way that they understand love. Hope that makes sense."
17. Believe what people tell you about themselves.
"Don't date the girl who says she gets bored of guys easily. I lasted much longer than anyone else, but if I ever hear those words Im out."
18. Getting to know who someone really is takes time.
"Nobody is perfect, and sometimes it takes a while before people will show you what's really going on underneath the veneer."
19. Don't be afraid to take chances.
"It's better to make an ass of yourself than to wonder about what could have been."
20. If you aren't happy, there's a problem.
"Relationships are supposed to make both you happy. You can love the person and hate the relationship, sure letting go sucks. But at least she's happier now. Took over a year of long distance to figure that out."
21. Allow yourself to be vulnerable.
"Don't be afraid to be vulnerable and ask. Don't try to fix her, simply be there for her while she works on herself. Be there to support her as she will support you. Be willing to listen, and listen well. Sometimes communication isn't just about words, it's about actions."
22. Creative conflict resolution is key.
"I have never been one for public displays of affection. My girlfriend (now wife) is big into PDA. She would often complain that I never tell her I loved her in public or shared a kiss or hug. I always held her hand and felt this was enough in public. She disagreed. So my solution was to discreetly show her my feelings by squeezing her hand twice and she would reply by squeezing my hand three times. I explained to her that two-hand squeezes meant 'love you' and three squeezes meant 'love you too.' this quickly caught on and we have been doing this for eight years now. She hasn't complained yet about the lack of PDA.
"As a bonus when we married my wife purchased my wedding ring with 'squeeze squeeze' engraved inside."
23. Be loving even when you fight.
"My husband and I don't fight very often, but when we do we decided we needed a sign to let the other person know that we still care and we're still there for them. So, we will hold hands and take turns squeezing the other's hand. It works very well for us. It lets us know that the arguing isn't about me vs. you, it's us vs. this issue. We know that both of us are working towards a goal where everyone is happy and that we still love one another."
24. Do what you can to make each other happy.
"I listen to him when he talks, even if it's about something I find intolerably boring, and ask follow-up open-ended questions. This makes him happy and more likely to listen to the things I want to talk about, which he probably finds pretty boring as well.
"I always meet him at the door with a beverage, a hug and kiss, and a smile. This puts him in a good mood, so he doesn't stress and ruin my night when he's had a bad day. We go for walks together every day if possible. Gives us both some exercise and fresh air and some time to bond.
"When I'm angry, I excuse myself and I go take a shower. It relaxes me and I think more rationally so that I can fight fair or apologize afterward. By the time I get out, one of us is usually sorry anyway.
"Whenever he wants me to try something he enjoys, I give it a fair shot. He really likes it when I take interest in his hobbies, some simply do not catch on because of my short attention span and my own hobbies that take up a lot of my time, but if it makes him happy I will give it a try most of the time."
25. Share the load.
"My bf and I have divided up the chores. We never have to do the chore that we each, respectively, hate. I never have to wash dishes, take out the trash cans, or scoop dog poop. He never has to do laundry, clean the bathrooms, or change the sheets. It's very low stress and things around the house stay neat. In the instances that we both hate the same chore, we'll either do it together or take turns."
26. Focus on the behavior, not character, when arguing.
"When arguing, focus on behavior, not character. 'When you do x it makes me feel y' is something someone can do something about. 'You always x and you are a y' is less constructive and more likely to elicit a defensive response."
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.