3 Tips For Coming Out As A Lesbian To Your Husband, Kids & Friends
It's not an easy conversation, but it must be done.
Stock You didn't mean for it to happen, but you — a married woman — met and fell in love with another woman.
This is a big secret and one that’s likely eating you up inside. You know that for your own happiness and the sake of your family and your husband, you owe it to them to have a conversation about what’s been going on in your life. But you also understand that this is going to be awkward, or scary, or both.
It’s not easy to tell your husband that you’ve fallen in love with a woman.
But if you want to start the healing process and pave the way for your future happiness, you’re going to have to have this conversation.
But just how do you go about doing it?
Dr. Jennelle, a psychologist specializing in nontraditional families and family structures, knows just how difficult this situation can be. But according to her, in the YourTango Expert video above, there are ways to make this conversation more comfortable for all parties involved.
And while it might not be the easiest thing you’ve ever done, it is a worthwhile and necessary part of embracing yourself and your future happiness.
Here is how to best approach the topic and make this transition easier on all of you:
1. Talk to your husband about your decision first.
This conversation is probably going to be upsetting for both of you, but it’s the most important conversation that you’re going to have. You must remember that this wasn’t something you planned, and you weren’t going around looking for it either.
Keep in mind that your change of heart doesn’t necessarily mean your husband did something “wrong” in your relationship. When having this conversation, it’s important to remind him (and maybe yourself, too) that your decision isn’t based on what’s wrong with your spouse or your relationship — it’s about what you need for yourself and your happiness.
You fell in love with a woman, and you feel that it's necessary for your happiness for you to embrace it. And even if parts of the marriage weren’t great, this still isn’t anyone’s fault.
2. Make sure your kids know exactly how much you love them, no matter what.
When approaching this topic with your children, the first thing you’re going to want them to understand is that you love them no matter what. And, like your husband, that it isn’t their “fault” that you and their father aren’t staying together anymore.
Depending on how old your children are, there are different ways to approach it. For example, if they’re old enough to understand the difference between parental love and romantic love, you can explain to them that your parental love will never change for them, and that even though you still love their father, you are in love with someone else.
It’s important to let your kids know that you can be a better parent to them if you’re happier. And, says Dr. Jennelle, it’s also OK to let them know you haven’t been happy for a while, and maybe that’s why you’ve been getting grumpy or upset sometimes.
Regardless of how you choose to approach the subject however, you must let them know (as often as they need it) that you still love and adore them — and that isn’t going to change.
3. Figure out what information is critical to tell people outside of your spouse and kids, and only tell them that.
One of the ways to approach this topic with the people in your life outside of your immediate family is to determine what information you want them to have, says Dr. Jennelle. It’s important to give them the information that you’d like to share, and not just let them barrage you with personal questions about your situation or develop judgments based on subjects they don't know anything about.
That’s why Dr. Jennelle suggests that you sit down and try to imagine all of the questions they might approach you with, so you know exactly what you want to discuss and what you’d like to keep private.
During this time, you can let them know that yes, you did try to work things out with your husband for some time, and no, it didn't work out. Your decision to begin a new relationship wasn’t a simple one.
You can let them know that you mulled over this for a long period, and you didn’t reach it lightly, so it's important that they understand this before reaching any judgments about you or your situation.
Most important of all, you can tell them that the love you found with your new partner is something that you can’t deny and that you must pursue it for the sake of your own happiness.
If you need help getting started on making a Big Change of Heart in your journey to happiness or any other relationship or divorce problem, reach out to Dr. Jennelle. She's here to help!