Why Won't He Sleep With Me? 14 Reasons Your Boyfriend Or Husband Isn't Having Sex With You
It might be time to re-evaluate if you're suffering in a sexless marriage or relationship.
gpointstudio / Shutterstock Though most people will never admit it, there’s a good chance someone you know is struggling silently with the hurt stemming from a husband or boyfriend who doesn't want to have sex.
It's been reported that approximately 15% of all marriages encounter a dead bedroom at one point or another, and bad or infrequent sex is frequently cited as a leading cause of breakups, so if you're experiencing a sexless relationship or marriage, you certainly aren't alone.
I’ve heard women talk about boyfriends and husbands who stopped having any interest in sex whatsoever, leaving them baffled, hurt, and confused. They desperately want their relationships to work, and there’s often one thing they want even more.
They want to know why their boyfriend doesn't want sex — at least, not with them.
Honestly, I don’t have all the answers for these women. My advice for why your boyfriend is not interested in you sexually (absent of an underlying medical reason or psychological factors he is actively working through in counseling) is that you should leave since clearly, he doesn’t care enough to want to keep you happy.
However, that unsolicited advice doesn’t explain the “why” of the question.
Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?
Here are 14 reasons to consider.
1. He lost his attraction to you.
This is through no fault of your own.
Anyone who’s ever experienced this firsthand knows it’s painful. One moment, you’re totally into them, the next, poof! All attraction just went out the window. It can and does happen.
The problem is, you can stop being attracted to a person sexually but still love them. A lot of guys don’t know how to break it off, so they end up just staying without wanting sex.
2. Antidepressants or other meds messed with his hormones.
Certain medications can cause libido to dip. In women, it often happens with birth control. With men, it’s usually antidepressants that are to blame.
Either way, if he's on medication and is experiencing a low sex drive, it may be time to consider taking a trip to the doctor to see if this may be the problem and he doesn't initiate sex anymore.
3. You let yourself go, and he's just not into you anymore.
Just because you’re taken, that doesn’t mean you can stop taking care of your health. You need to work on yourself to keep that spark alive; otherwise, your partner may lose sight of the person they fell in love with.
4. He wasn’t ever into you but wanted to use you for personal gain.
Ladies, this happens. It happens with gay men who marry women, with lazy or toxic guys who want a sugar mama, and others.
Don’t think you’re exempt from being used for something other than the sex itself just because you’re female.
Once again, it’s not your fault, but this possibility is all the more reason to dump him.
5. He’s depressed.
Depression and other forms of mental illness may be the reason why your boyfriend won't have sex with you. It's one of the most common reasons guys lose interest in sex, and pretty much everything else, really.
When you’re depressed, it’s hard to get excited about things you enjoy — yes, even sex.
6. He's holding onto resentments about something you did.
A lot of women who lose interest in sex with their partners do so because they start resenting their partners for not doing chores, constantly needing care, or something similar. The same thing can happen with men.
Either way, if the signs of resentment exist, it can mean a relationship is dead on arrival.
7. He’s asexual.
People who identify as asexual may be romantically attracted to you, but they do not feel sexual attraction, even when they love you.
If he’s asexual, nothing you can say or do will get him in the mood, even if you are the very vision he's always dreamed of when he thinks of his “wifey.”
8. He refuses to have sex with you because he knows the rejection hurts you.
Yes, there are people out there like this.
Yes, they reject you sexually because it makes them feel good knowing someone wants them so badly that they’ll cry over it when they can't.
Yes, this is a form of abuse when sex is withheld with that intention.
Yes, you need to tell him to hit the road.
9. He's using sex as a weapon or negotiating tool.
This is also abuse. Affection, once weaponized or commoditized, is no longer affection — it’s manipulation, pure and simple.
10. There’s someone else involved (i.e., he's cheating on you).
Most people who have been cheated on will notice either an uptick or a sudden plunge in the amount of sex they’re getting. More often than not, ladies will notice a sudden drop in the amount of sex their cheating men want to have.
Too many guys tend to be lazy, and as long as they get what they want from someone new and novel, they don’t typically care to take care of your needs back at home.
11. He lacks confidence in the bedroom.
Yes, it’s true. Some guys lose their ability to perform because they’re really worried that they aren't satisfying the woman they're with.
Unlike many of the other reasons listed above, this one may be fixable if you're both willing to talk about it.
12. Low testosterone killed his sex drive.
Men can have hormone problems just as women can.
With men, a drop in testosterone often means that they won’t be interested in having sex, may feel irritable, and also may lose some strength. Therefore, their sex life is non-existent.
If he can’t have sex with you, you might want to suggest he see a doctor to find out what’s up.
13. He works extremely long hours in a high-stress job and is too tired.
Yes, once in a blue moon, this is the true cause. If he's even too busy for a date night, not just sex, then it could just be an excuse not to have sex or to avoid dealing with other issues in the relationship, especially if it becomes a regular and increasingly more frequent occurrence.
14. He’s got a Madonna-whore complex and can’t see you that way anymore.
It’s possible for a man to see you in a certain light in which he "respects" you too much to actually enjoy the idea of having sex with you. Men with what Freud referred to as a Madonna-whore complex place all women in one of two categories: chaste (respectable, but not sexually desirable) and sluts (not respectable, but sexually desirable).
This unhealthy, misogynistic attitude often comes with other problems as well, which is why it should be a dealbreaker for you.
Can a relationship last without sex?
If sex has a huge meaning and big importance in a relationship then one without that most likely won't last as that's defined as an important aspect in the relationship.
However, if sex isn't as important and both you and your partner don't actively want to have sex a lot then it might not mean much if you go a while not having sex.
I just want to point out that wanting sex doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it make you unreasonable.
If he’s not fulfilling his side of a relationship, you’re totally within your rights to walk away from the relationship.
After all, your needs matter and you deserve a partner who loves you enough to see that.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a Jack-of-all-trades writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey. When she's not writing, she's drinking red wine and chilling with some cool cats. You can follow her on Twitter for more.