Why I Want To Have Sex With Pennywise The Clown After Seeing The Movie 'It'
The heart knows what "It" wants.
weheartit As we left the movie theater, my boyfriend couldn't stop raving about "It." I was right there with him, but he was the one doing all of the talking.
It was the best horror movie he had ever seen. He was so excited for the second chapter. He couldn't believe how true to the book the whole thing was. I nodded along but I stayed silent, a strange thing for me, indeed.
Finally, my boyfriend paused to take a breath and noticed that I, a diehard fan of most horror movies, had not said a word yet.
"Didn't you like it?" He asked me, a worried look on his face. My own worried expression looked back at him.
"I did," I said. "But there's a problem... I think I want to have me some kinky sex with Pennywise, the Dancing Murder Clown."
I wish I could say that my boyfriend was more surprised, but he wasn't. For me, sexiness and danger have always shared the same chunk of my brain space.
Before the movie, we'd gotten cocktails.
I was drinking something blue and tropical and feeling inspired, so I decided to ask him what I considered to be a very important question.
"Who would rather have sex with — the girl from The Ring or the Babadook?"
Because he is no fun, he refused to play along, but I already had my answer.
"Ring girl," I said. "The entire theme of The Babadook was about a woman suppressing her desires in the face of grief and motherhood. That is dour as hell. Plus, I've never been into dudes who wear top hats."
I knew immediately when he first appeared on screen peering out of a sewer while drooling, giggling, and biting off a child's arm, that Pennywise could get it.
And by it, I mean my vagina.
I've never gotten the whole "clowns are so scary" thing. That's partially because I trained to be a clown in college and partially because one of my earliest crushes was on Ronald McDonald. That red hair. That bright smile. I would have let him give me very special hugs all day long.
Also, McNuggets.
In the movie, Pennywise is characterized by his lanky gait, his twisted smile, and for emerging from the Derry, Maine, sewage system after 27 years to feed on the flesh of the town's children.
While child murder has never been and never would be something that turns me on, of course, show me a tall, immature man in makeup who is obsessed with keying into all of my greatest fears while also draining me of my life's essence and you've basically just described every musician I dated in my 20s.
I felt slightly more validated about my Pennywise directed tingly-pants-feelings when a quick Google search revealed that he was played by Bill Skarsgård.
If the name sounds familiar, it's probably because his brother his Alexander Skarsgård (Eric in "True Blood") and his dad is Stellan Skarsgård (from, like, every Lars von Trier movie ever). The dude is six-feet four-inches of stunning, big-eyed Swedish model good looks and I have an eye for the babes, what can I say?
Combine this babeliness with the killer artistic abilities he displayed in "It", and my heart-vagina never stood a flying chance of escaping his deadly clown grasp.
The only reason I think it would make sense to feel weird about wanting to get your swerve on with a clown would be if the clown in question is known rapist and murderer John Wayne Gacy.
Other than that, if a red nose and several rows of teeth do it for you, why not make Pennywise your next kinky sex fantasy to withdraw from good old the spank bank?
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the sex, love, and dating advice show, Becca After Dark on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:20 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.