People Who Aren't Over An Ex Display These 17 Involuntary Behaviors
These behaviors suggest that someone is having trouble letting go of an ex.
LittleBee80 | Canva Love makes us do involuntary things sometimes, primarily because love is an addiction for many of us. We often will think that we’re over our exes, just because we don’t think about them as often as we used to.
However, breakups often end up causing a lot more damage than we want to admit. Many are left longing for exes and unable to move past an ex years after the breakup.
The funny thing is that denial can be a very real, very strong issue with people and many may not realize that their inability to move past an ex is poisoning their dating life. Worried this is what’s happening to you?
People who aren't over an ex display these involuntary behaviors:
1. You still think about them often
One of the most obvious signs you're not over him is if you’re still grieving him. If you were over him, you wouldn’t be crying about him or constantly missing him. That’s just the plain ol’ truth of it.
2. You still keep all the gifts they gave you
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I’m not going to judge if you want to keep a luxury toaster or something else useful he gave you, but if you’re still clinging to his boxer shorts, that stuffed bunny he gave you, or anything similar, it’s time to realize you’re not over him. Pawn the jewelry, donate the stuffed animals, and treat yourself to something nice.
3. You secretly hope they'll come back to you, even if you're dating someone else
Stop. If you’re doing this, what you’re doing is incredibly cruel to your current partner and also cruel to yourself. Your ex is not coming back. Holding someone up as a second banana to them will make them feel useless, hurt, and, believe it or not, used.
4. You post “signal” messages that he can see on social media, in hopes that he’ll reply
You know the inside jokes you’d post. You know the things he’ll pick up on. Yeah, if you’re doing this, you probably already know that you’re not over him.
This is primarily driven by a desire for validation, a need for connection, and a play on the psychology of subtle cues. It often stems from feelings of insecurity or a longing for attention, especially when dealing with someone who might be distant or not readily engage in communication.
A study published in the Journal of Social Psychology concluded that overly relying on signal messages can create unrealistic expectations about the other person's level of interest or engagement.
5. You still talk to your friends about them
They are nice enough to listen for the first month or so, but after that, they get sick of hearing it. If they tell you it’s time to seek therapy or that you’re getting obsessive, you might want to listen to them.
6. You come up with ways to remain relevant in their life or talk to them
Oh, look. You found his old pamphlet from college. You know he needs this pamphlet, right? Of course. Like, it’s super important — not! Either way, if you can come up with the weakest excuse to talk to him, you will do it just so that maybe he can be swayed into seeing you again.
7. You spy or keep tabs on him through your friends
Repeat after me: This. Is. Not. Cool. Your friends are over it and it’s crossing so many boundaries that should not be crossed. Spying on an ex through friends, often by casually asking mutual acquaintances about their current lives, is associated with difficulty moving on from a breakup.
A 2012 study found that it hinders emotional recovery and can be a sign of lingering attachment or unresolved feelings toward the ex-partner. It can impede the healing process by keeping the individual focused on their ex's life instead of their own.
8. You repeatedly claim you’re 'totally fine'
When people keep telling you that you don’t seem to be taking the breakup well, you insist that you’re “fine.” After all, look at all the fun you’re having. Look. At. The. Fun. Look at it, you! You’re so over him, right?! Yeah, you might be overcompensating for how much you miss him at this point.
9. You keep wondering if you could have done things differently
A good sign you’re not totally over your ex is if you look back and wonder what you could have done to save the relationship or why they left. If you’re still wondering about them, you might not be completely over them.
10. You still get emotional when you hear 'your song'
We all have memories we treasure with people, and that’s okay. However, if you find yourself really feeling sad to the point of depression when you see stuff linked with them, then you’re not over them.
11. You get drunk and call them
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Alcohol makes ugly truths come out of many of us. You’re also not over him if, every time that you get tipsy, you bring him up and ask someone if you think he will want you back.
Drunk dialing is primarily driven by alcohol's ability to lower inhibitions, leading to impulsive behavior and amplified emotions. This can make individuals feel more comfortable expressing unresolved feelings or desires towards a former partner that they might suppress when sober.
A 2015 study concluded that the nature of the previous relationship, such as a tumultuous breakup or a strong emotional connection, can increase the likelihood of drunk dialing.
12. You regularly mention them to your current partner
This is the one sign that most commonly tips off your partners: they talk about them. If they aren’t messing with your life right now, there’s no need to regularly mention them to your partner or compare your partner to them. If anything, it shows how much you still think of them. If you do this and can’t seem to ever get a second date, you already should know why.
13. If you were honest with yourself, you would dump your current partner for them in a heartbeat
Not only is this a sign that you’re not over them, but it’s also a sign that the person you’re with is a rebound. It also suggests that you don’t even care about your current partner as much as you do your ex, and that’s just plain messed up.
14. You still stalk them on social media
Look, everyone looks people up from time to time, but if you regularly check to see what they’re doing online, you’re not over your ex. If you were over them, you’d have something better to do. You just want to make sure he’s not having more fun or dating luck than you, right? (Yeah, we all know what’s up.)
15. You can't handle romantic movies
Yes, in theory, you totally could watch Love, Actually again. And yes, technically, it would be physically possible for you to listen to love songs, but we all know that it would end in tears for the worst reasons. If you think that you would end up sobbing like a lunatic and diving into a tub of ice cream during a romance movie, then you’re not over him.
16. You smear them online
Yeah, you Tweeted some nasty stuff about him. Yep, you spilled some tea when you had that one Facebook rant. Yes, you’re probably looking a little like a crazy ex at this point, but you might not care. If you’re trashing him, you’re not over him.
17. You do favors for them in hopes they'll change their mind
I understand this. I’ve been there. However, no matter what you do or say, you cannot make a man change his mind. He’s said his piece, and at this point, he’s just getting his cake and eating it, too. Maybe it’s time to cut the cord and let the recovery process get its start.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer who mainly focuses on lifestyle, food, finance, and relationships.