If You Had Something Terrible Happen To You As A Kid, Here Are 4 Big Ways It Changed You
What happens in childhood to oneself has long-term implications.
Babi | Unsplash According to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, 78 percent of children reported more than one traumatic experience before the age of 5. Twenty percent of children up to the age of 6 were receiving treatment for traumatic experiences, including sexual abuse, neglect, exposure to domestic violence, and traumatic loss or bereavement.
With these considerations in mind, I am highlighting how childhood trauma affects you later in life and the key ways that identity tends to be shaped by earlier traumatic experiences. Understanding these basic themes, which are often a result of dissociative effects on the traumatized personality, can help people recognize areas of difficulty so they can take steps toward doing the work of recovery, repair, and personal growth.
Here are 6 subtle signs that show up in adulthood that reveal your childhood trauma never left:
1. Loss of childhood: 'I never really had a childhood' or 'I can't remember much from growing up'
People who experience a very distressing childhood often can't remember the big swathes of their childhood. They may remember particularly vivid moments, sometimes called "flashbulb memories," which don't have any context to them. They often don't have a clear story of themselves as a child, up into adolescence, early adulthood, and sometimes later in life.
This autobiographical sense is called a "coherent narrative" in attachment theory and can be absent, underdeveloped, false, or oversimplified. Many people have told me they feel like their childhood has been stolen, and without such a foundation, adult identity is compromised.
Although we do not have statistics on the rates of cPTSD, risk factors for cPTSD are disturbingly commonplace. According to the CDC, in 2012 there were 3.4 million referrals to state and local child protective services for cases of abuse or neglect. It is estimated that in 2012 alone, 686,000 children, or 9.2 per 1000, were victims of maltreatment.
2. Missing parts of oneself: 'I've always felt like something was missing, but I don't know what it is'
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With chronic developmental distress, children often disconnect important parts of themselves in order to survive, a form of dissociation. They may come to rely on one major persona in order to have stability and make it appear as if everything were okay — such as being an exemplary student — while having little or no real personal life.
Later in life, they may feel like parts of themselves are missing. Through personal growth and therapy, they may rediscover and even create these missing parts. Sometimes they are there, stowed away for better times if you will, but younger-feeling than their everyday persona. It's common for these missing parts to be associated with particular emotional states and memories, and reuniting leads to a fuller sense of identity.
However, experts believe these numbers underestimate the true frequency, and up to 1 out of 4 children may actually experience some form of maltreatment. It is estimated that the total lifetime economic cost of child maltreatment in the US is $124 billion. While thankfully not all children who experience maltreatment go on to develop cPTSD, many will, and recovery is challenging even for those who do seek treatment.
3. Attraction to destructive relationships: 'I'm the kind of person who always dates people who are bad for me'
It is not uncommon for people who are traumatized by key caregivers to end up with friendships, romantic relationships, and even find work settings that are not good for them. They find people who fit their traumatic identity, even when they are trying to make different and better choices, leading to re-traumatization through repetition of the past.
They may end up being around emotionally unavailable people, abusive or narcissistic people, or end up trying to rescue and fix people they date, for example. Consciously, they want to find someone who provides what they intellectually know they need and want, but unconscious influences lead them down unwanted familiar paths.
Frequently, there is a powerful "chemistry" with new relationships which makes it seem like the relationship will be different, only to learn with disappointment it is all too familiar. When friends try to warn them, it's not unusual to pick a new romance over a trusted friend.
Repeatedly getting into destructive relationships can be disorienting and confusing, leading one to question one's self-understanding, locking them into the old identity while preventing new identities from taking root.
When we look at how childhood trauma affects you later in life, identity formation is an important part of normal development, and takes place across the lifespan from birth, through childhood and adolescence, adulthood, and old age.
4. Avoidance of relationships: 'I'm someone who is better off alone'
Alternatively, people with negative developmental experiences involving intimate relationships may opt to avoid closeness, and isolate themselves. Sometimes this starts early on, and sometimes later as an attempt to break the cycle of harmful relationships.
But healthy relationships with other people are crucial for personal development, presenting opportunities for growth and change. Missing out on them in adulthood as a self-protective measure further impairs the development of a fully adult identity, solidifying a self-perception of unworthiness and self-condemnation.
People with significant-enough developmental trauma dissociate from their environment, and from themselves early on — a last-ditch survival mechanism — and may remain disconnected from themselves throughout childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood, only recognizing what has happened when there is no other choice but to do so.
5. Avoidance of oneself: 'I don't like to think about myself; it only makes me feel bad'
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Especially when childhood trauma was a defining component of key relationships — parents, siblings, and other important people — any reminder of those experiences may lead to efforts to manage painful emotions and experiences through escape from oneself. In extreme, this may lead one to self-destruction.
Connection with oneself, as with others, is a powerful reminder of prior trauma, activating memories and emotions which are often too much to handle.
Self-care is impaired, and one learns to live apart from oneself as a matter of habit. They may not be able to reflect upon themselves at all and flee from any encouragement to do so. A sense of self is often characterized by disgust and essential badness, reflecting a rigid traumatic identity.
6. Difficulty integrating emotions into one's identity: 'I'm not the kind of person who has strong feelings about things'
When feelings have no place in one's family of origin, emotions become split away from identity. They continue to have influence, leading to confusion and an unstable sense of self because one is unable to predict, let alone manage, strong emotions.
We need that emotional data to be fully ourselves, and to make decisions. Emotional dysregulation leads to problems from impulsive decisions and gets in the way of forming healthy relationships with others.
People may experience a sense of emotional numbing or (paradoxically) feel they don't have any emotions at all. They may experience a limited range of emotions or feel muted emotions. They may, for example, only be able to feel vague emotions such as frustration or boredom, or they may block out dissatisfaction until anger explodes.
They may only feel negative emotions about themselves, such as disgust and self-loathing and recoil from anything or anyone presenting a positive view of them, feeling uneasy with gratitude from others, "not knowing how to take a compliment" or feeling mistrustful when people express kindness. They may adopt an overly intellectualized identity, acting stilted or awkward around others.
This leads to difficulty in personal relationships, as emotions are required for intimacy and shape career choices while often limiting advancement. Identity is narrow and flat, and re-integrating emotions into one's sense of self, while rewarding and necessary for growth, can be very challenging, full of fears and difficult learning experiences.
Moving forward
Adults who suffered from developmental trauma may go on to develop Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or "cPTSD", which is characterized by difficulties in emotional regulation, consciousness, and memory, self-perception, distorted perceptions of perpetrators of abuse, difficulties in relationships with other people, and negative effects on the meaningfulness of life.
While it can be disheartening to read about how childhood trauma affects you later in life, and daunting to contemplate doing the work of recovery and identify formation beyond that of the traumatized self, therapeutic efforts are effective.
Recovery, grieving, and growth often take longer than one would want, and reconnecting with oneself has many layers. Developing a sense that long-term goals are attainable and worth working toward is an important element to establish, even if it doesn't feel possible or true.
Working toward getting basic self-care in place is an important first step, as is working toward feeling comfortable seeking help when trust in caregivers has been broken. Developing compassion for and patience with oneself can be difficult, but useful.
If you or somebody that you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, there is a way to get help. Call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or text "HELLO" to 741741 to be connected with the Crisis Text Line.
Dr. Grant Brenner is a board-certified physician-psychiatrist and psychoanalyst with over two decades of experience specializing in treating highly functioning patients to step into their truth and feel fully realized.