All Of The Sex Questions You Wanted To Ask Women: ANSWERED By Women

I'm back, answering 15 more socially unacceptable things guys are afraid to ask women for fear of being ridiculed, spat upon, or run out of civilization. As always, I do my best to answer on behalf of all women, but my opinions are mine alone and not indicative of womankind as a whole, so if you're coming to me for a general consensus, please reconsider your beliefs about women and our abilities to have individual personalities. 

(In case you missed it, read part 1 here.)

1. Have you ever been terrified that a guy’s penis was too big?

2. If no one would ever, ever know, would you take $1,000 cash to sleep with a guy?

Well, I’ve done worse for less! Alright, in all seriousness, I’m not against prostitution in general, first of all, although I've never hired myself out as a sex worker. Personally, this situation would really depend on the guy and the circumstances.

If I was in dire straits, I’d absolutely sleep with someone for $1,000, but at the moment, my hypothetical going rate is way, way higher than that.

Like, how much are we talking…?

Oh, you can’t afford me.

3. Be honest, would you rather a great night of sleep or great sex?

Great sex is rare. A night of fantastic, marathon sex is even rarer. If I get laid well, I’ll keep hitting it until I’m cut off. I’ll sleep when I’m dead.  

4. Does anal feel good or are you doing it to be nice?

I’m not nice. And anal sucks. Not for everyone, though! I have a handful of girlfriends who genuinely enjoy it, so I know it can be done. But I’ve tried it enough to know that it’s not my jam.

And really, I don’t get the appeal or logic of dudes wanting to shove it in where I poop. I have a 5-star vagina all ready to go that’s specifically designed to pleasure a phallus, so if you’re not happy enough with that, then I'm fresh out of orifice options in that region. 

5. Are sex noises real or are you trying to convince us you’re into it?

They’re so real, I do them when I’m masturbating. However, I don’t do that awful “Huueehhnnn?! Yuuueeeah?!” thing that porn stars started doing in the early-00s and I’ve never heard a woman do that sh*t in real life. If she sounds like that, she’s faking.

6. Do your labia really feel anything?

via Photobucket

YES. Wait. Why wouldn't they? They're a bit like earlobes but with more nerve endings and blood flow; they're a whole extra dimension of erogenous sensation full of nerves and the works. If you really want to rock a woman's world, nibble, gently pinch or stroke them while you're going down on her. In fact, you could even breathe heavy or nuzzle them with your nose and that'd be worth celebrating. Seriously. 

7. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve put, you know... inside of yourself?

I’ve had some weird things put in me by others, and I’ve voluntarily put a few interesting things inside myself, but to be honest, women don’t really penetrate themselves with various things for entertainment the same way men stick their junk in stuff experimentally.

Anyway, the weirdest thing I’ve had inside me recreationally was a 1.5” diameter curling wand... Unplugged, of course.

8. Do you watch porn to get turned on or learn moves? Or none of the above?

Ninety-five percent of the time I watch to get turned on or as a masturbation aid. Three percent of the time, I watch just to see what’s going on in current adult film like what kind of trends are emerging, what performer is getting the most raves and what’s his/her style, what’s the aesthetic, etc. Oh, and then there are the times I sit and watch with friends just to LOL at it.

9. Has a guy sending a dick pic ever worked? Like ever?

ONE time. And this particular dick pic only worked because we were friends and had been flirting for about a year. We had been ramping up our casual jokes about when we were ever finally going to bang and he sent me a really hilarious posed naked selfie captioned with a witty, self-deprecating joke. It cracked me up so much I showed up at his apartment that evening.  

10. Do you have fantasies about getting raped?

I’ll be honest, I used to really enjoy role-playing this when I was in my early-20s and in a trusting relationship, but it was never violent, just very rough. And we always had a safe word. It was very, very naïve of me.

All of that changed as I grew older and held the hands and heard stories of friends who had been raped and then, later, when I was sexually assaulted myself. A rape fantasy is nothing like the reality of the situation, and safety becomes a luxury in the bedroom. So no, while I still enjoy a little bit of dominance or roughhousing, I am not at all turned on by images or fantasies of forced sex. Quite the opposite.

11. If you like getting choked or spanked or hair pulled, do you feel like a guy’s treating you like property?

No... Because men don't automatically have rough sex with their property, and certainly not for their possessions' enjoyment.

12. Would you ever hook up with an ex but NOT in an attempt to restart the relationship?

Yes. With most of my exes, that’s genuinely the only acceptable interaction option. If we could do the whole thing without any discussion before or after, that's probably for the best. Next question. 

13. Do you really like having your boobs and butt played with?

Yup. I like it as foreplay and as supplementary stimulation when I’m about to climax.

14. Does cum taste really gross? What does it taste like?

...The f*ck? Why are you asking a woman what your own male bodily fluids taste like?!? If you're curious, go make some and eat it yourself. And if you think that's too disgusting or beneath you, then maybe consider why it's somehow more socially acceptable to assume women do it all the time. #TeachableMoment

15. Have you ever been having really hard sex and farted or something? Do you sometimes feel like you have to or are going to?  

I feel like I’m going to fart all the time when I’m having sex with a man; that’s the whole deal with having something extra pushing on your internal organs. That’s why women go to the bathroom before sex usually, just to make sure to empty the bladder or the bowels and get anything out of there before it makes a surprise guest appearance between the sheets. Farting during sex isn’t the worst; queefing still makes me feel weird.