19 Thoughts Every Woman Has When She's Stuck Giving A Handjob

Handjobs are in a league of there own when it comes to foreplay.

They're the scut work of foreplay, and I feel confident enough to speak on behalf of women everywhere when I say they are the effing worst. There's literally nothing positive that comes to mind when I think about having to give a handjob.

My only goal is to find a way out of them or keep them short and sweet. 

It's the one time where his pleasure is not and will not be a priority. And, I won't make any apologies for it. 

Maybe I feel this strongly about it because there's far too much work that goes into a handjob for such little outcome and that means you aren't working smart — just too damn hard.

Hell, you can give a BJ with a little hand action and kill two birds with one stone a lot quicker.

That said, I try to avoid handies at all costs, but on the rare chance that I can't get out of giving a handjob, here are the 18 thoughts I'm impatiently having.

1. So ... this happening?

2. At what age do handjobs become childish? Probably a couple years past due. 

3. Why is everything sex-related such a workout? 

4. I'm getting a cramp in my hand.

5. This requires Olympic-level shake weight training. I wonder how many calories I'm burning? 

6. I have to start taking this guy to the gym with me, far better than any one machine. 

7. Christ, I should've just given him a BJ at least there's far more mutual pleasure in than this. 

8. Feels weird ... like I'm choking a turtle. 

9. OMG ... CRAMP!!!

10. I guess I should be used to this by now.  

11. Is it time for him to put it in yet? 

12. I won't be a team player if I quit, huh?

13. Yeah, there you go ... give me a hand with this thing.

14. Guess he felt my fist pump game growing weaker by the minute. Oh, well. 

15. Whatevs, I don't claim to be the best at handjobs or anything. Definitely not my forte. 

16. Ooh yes! It's time. It's going down. 

17. That was definitely my workout for the day. 

18. I feel like only creepy guys like things like handjobs. No?

19. I am strong. I am woman. *in my Samantha via Sex & the City 2 karaoke voice*