5 Secrets That'll Keep Your Boobs Perfectly Perky

I've always had big ol' boobs. It's true, I just woke up at 9 one day and found myself getting fitted for a bra that would make Mae West blush.

Having big boobs is great, but now that I'm approaching the middle of my 30s I've started worrying a little bit about how to keep my boobs from looking saggy or droopy, and I know I'm not alone. Plenty of women with small boobs worry a little about this stuff too. 

I repeat: I'm only worrying about this a little bit, much in the way I worry about things like what is that strange bump on my head and which celebrity my cat would sound like if he could speak (Michael Keaton, obviously). 

If you've got boobs and you're worried about how to keep them perky, you should check out these 5 remedies I've rounded up. If you're worried that you don't know which celebrity would best voice your cat, that's really on you, though I've available to help if you need a listening ear. 

1. Stop smoking, fool! 

Guess what. Smoking is super bad for you. It can give you cancer. It can give you heart disease. It can make your teeth fall out. It can make breathing impossible. 

Still want to smoke? 

Well, it also ages your skin prematurely, and not just certain parts of your skin that only you can see: we're talking boob skin. Smoking reduces your blood flow and tobacco itself damages skin's collagen, which is essential to having young looking skin. 

So if you won't quit for your own health, quit for younger looking boobs. 

2. Dieting ain't your friend. 

If you want perfect boobs, learn to love yourself.

This is both a trick and not. The truth is stuff like yo-yo dieting puts a real strain on your skin. Gaining and losing weight stretches out your breasts and ages them prematurely.

But more than that yo-yo dieting leaves you in a terrible spiral that makes self-acceptance impossible.

You're going to get old. Your boobs are going to start to look like older boobs. There are a million things you can do to try and change this, but maybe instead of fighting nature, we learn to love our changing bodies instead, moles, warts, those extra 20 pounds and all. 

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3. Make sunscreen your lover. 

Okay, I mean this figuratively. Please do not have sex with some sunscreen and expect your boobs to look great as a result. 

Overexposure to the sun can damage your skin. You don't need to hide away from the sun and it's delicious rays, just make sure you're wearing a good sunscreen. 

If you want your boobs to look young, smear them obsessively with sunscreen the way you would a brand new baby. 

4. Mind your posture. 

Working out, focusing on your posture, and building up muscle is a great way to make your boobs look less droopy than they might if you didn't do these things.

Whenever I feel like I'm having a saggy day, pulling back my shoulders immediately acts like the world's cheapest boob job. 

I recommend this to all and sundry. The only downside is that it makes you feel a little bit like a pigeon. 

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5. OMG, drink all of the water. 

There are very few problems that water cannot fix. 

Except for like maybe, a broken marriage. 

Your body is made up of mostly water, so it makes sense that staying hydrated can enhance the appearance of skin at any age, and that includes your boob skin.

If this doesn't work, you can always pour water ON your boobs over your t-shirt. 

Like I always say, when in doubt, pull a Flashdance.